future you have know idea how confusing it really is.
This is my W's script. She has "left" me in one form or another three times in our 10 years. Each time same story.
- at the end of the year typical WAW script. - she moves out for 2 - 3 months (with the exception of a lease she couldn't get out of the first time) - around the one month mark we get intimate again (after she has cheated on me) - relationship starts over around spring time - winter comes and we repeat (not every year)
For my W and I it seams like we get back together after we have sex again. However this time I'm playing it differently. In the past I would already be begging her to come back. I'm acting like it's just sex and doesn't mean anything to me.
Like I've said. If it wasn't for the fact we live apart and she served me D papers we are doing better then we have before she split. We are very friendly, not the fake kind either.
The only thing we haven't done is go out on any real dates. We've had lunch a few times but nothing romantic.
Rob, I don't know how much of a backup plan I am if she served me papers. I could see if she continued stringing me along until her new work schedule and OM time table work out.
Right now I'm all she has, so to speak. She craves attention. It makes it very easy for me to not contact her. I can set my watch to her texts and phone calls.
I'll know more as soon I can sit her down and talk. She starts nights Friday. I'm thinking of waiting to drop the bomb after she has put in a few nights. She should be at her lowest, make loosing me a little more painful. She has no friends at work anymore. They all work different times now. Including OM! She will go nuts if I stop all contact too.
We've been a little more distant. Mostly because of her new schedule. The sexting is almost non existent now. We are still affectionate and intimate (she's PMSing so not so much now.
I'm nervous. I know what I'm going to say, but I'm not sure how I will handle a curve ball.
S8 is not a happy camper. He told me hates being bounced around from one house to the next. He likes it at our house. His friends, toys, bike, ect. are here. FIL has a pool, so this summer he'll never want to stay with me:(
Also when he is with his mom she sleeps all morning. This is not cool with me. I understand she needs to sleep, but this sounds messed up.
She works from 10 pm to 7 am. Sleeps from 8 am to 1 or 2 pm. does the mom thing and then goes back to bed for a couple of hours before she goes to work.
S8 told her right in front of me how much he dislikes it. He has really been vocal about his disapproval of her actions.
I hope I can get everything out the way I want to. I don't expect anything but crap from her.
On Tuesday we had the talk. It went as I expected it would.
I started off the conversation with asking her what’s going on between us. What are your feelings for me, about us, is the sex more than sex for you.
She said it is more than sex. She does have feelings for me. We have been getting along better than we have in a long time. We do still have a spark. She still loves me and cares for me. I said good, most people in our situations would kill to have what we have right now. So I asked her why do you want a divorce then. There are other options, less costly options. Not that it’s about the money.
She said we get along better when we are not living together. I said not true. The couple of months before you left were the best we have ever had. She agreed.
She brings up the trust issues we have. She can’t trust me not to keep spying on her. I explained how what I did was wrong to a point. What she was doing behind my back was a threat to my family and I was protecting my family no matter what. I didn’t know how to handle the situation because I was uneducated. We have gone over this before so I changed the subject.
The last ten years have been bad for the most part according to her. Both our faults. All the bad things we have done to each other. She wants it all to go away. I agreed with her. I said our old R/M is dead. I told her we can start over. Divorce is not the only way to get a fresh start.
I asked her if she thought we would start dating after the divorce. Are we just going to keep doing what we are doing? Having sex, flirting, sharing our lives on a daily basis, or basically boyfriend and girlfriend.
I had to change the subject often because she wanted to bring up to many details about the past. She wanted to rehash old arguments, but I kept my cool.
I ask her if she understood the divorce papers. Some of it she said. I did it really fast.(WTF one of the most important decisions in your life and you did it fast). I shook my head in disbelief. I said well you signed them so that must be what you want.
BTW thanks for taking me to the cleaners. Half of what is in there is not what we talked about. You let the lawyer take control of our life. I said you know I have to get a lawyer now. I told her once I drop off the check to the lawyer it will not be pretty from there on out. She got mad and asked if I was threatening her. No, I said it’s the reality. I will have to protect myself and S8.
This is what you wanted. She said she didn’t want to get lawyers but had no choice; I was stalling with moving forward with the D. I said you always have a choice. No one is holding a gun to your head.
She remained wishy washy on her decision to divorce. She wants me to stay on her hook. Stay in limbo. Wait around for a magical day where we might get back together.
You want a divorce from me AND want me to stick around and wait, I asked. She said she wants the divorce no matter what. I then said…
"I have been doing some thinking and this isn't working for me anymore. I deserve better. I think it is best we go ahead and go through with the divorce. I am not going to live like this anymore. I originally preferred that we work out our differences and get this marriage on track again but the more I think about it the more I see that you're 100% right, it's impossible, totally impossible, it will never work out between us. The sex will stop also because I've recently met somebody and I don't want to be having sex with you while I’m starting a new relationship with her.”(insert her crazy blank stare here)
"...you had your chance and you chose to have an affair with another man, I hung in there as long as possible, hoping you would eventually change your mind but all you're doing now is coming over for sex and having a good time at my expense, I don't know how often you see him and how often this happens with him, I don't want to share a woman with another man”...
She interrupted me with the spew, I did not share her with another man while we were having sex...I told her to let me finish... We can't have sex anymore, we'll go through with the divorce and I'm looking forward to a possible new relationship with this new woman." (Thanks Rob for the words)
I wish you the best and hope you find the happiness you’re looking for.
She said fine (clearly pissed) well I’m going to start dating too. It will be easy for me. I have lots of interests. I said good, I hope they make you happy. Now I’m thinking about damage control. This is what I was afraid she would say. I also knew she would say it so I was prepared to not let it bother me. It does bother me, however. I want to tell her there is no other woman, its all B.S., but I can’t and I understand why.
She couldn’t believe I would do this. What about all the good stuff we just talked about. (all the good stuff? WTF, she told me she wants a D ten seconds ago) She was shocked how people find someone else so fast after/during divorce. It’s ok for her to nail some guy one month after she splits though. I told her nothing sexual has happened yet. We are “Just friends” right now. She said right now, but you want to have more with her. I said it’s possible.
She wanted to know why I would tell her about someone else. She would not do that to me. (But she would cheat on me) I wasn’t ready for that question, so I stepped around it.
When I think about it why would you tell someone “that” unless you wanted to hurt them? I know why I said it, I can’t tell W why though.
She said I hope she makes you happy, is nice to S8, blah, blah...
I think I handled the whole thing well. I didn’t get emotional, stayed cool, calm, and confident. Listened to what she had to say (spew). Said what I wanted to say and didn’t back pedal too bad. Didn’t preach or bring up any DB subjects.
That’s the hard part. Telling your wife you are done with this when clearly she is not. I wanted to say I was sorry and take it all back so many times.
S8 was playing with his friends while we had the talk. It ended before he came home so she had to wait for him. She sat on the couch and just stared at the wall. No emotions.
On a side note, I have befriended a local woman who is slightly older than I am. She has been interested in me for a couple of years now. In fact my wife knows she has the hotts for me and would get quite jealous if we were even in the same building together.
She just got divorced a year ago herself. I’m not looking for a serious relationship with her but I think she may be falling for me. She texts me all day long. We haven’t been intimate yet, but she sure wants to be. I'm not quite sure how best to handle making my intentions known without hurting her feelings. She might be on the same page, but man she has that I love you look in her eyes. Little scary. I think I’m having an emotional going on a physical affair.
I know my wife did this to me and she wants a divorce, but I feel guilty. I have to tread carefully.
W sent a couple of texts to me late last night. First contact not regarding S8 since Tuesday.
W- ru up? M- yup
15 minutes later W- I don’t know why I text u. sorry to bother u M- Its ok, not ment for me? W-No. sorry to bother you. M-IC, sorry W-sorry for what M-U didn’t want to know if I was up and u think you are bothering me W-don’t be sorry
15 minutes later W-how was your day M- great! Urs? W-it was ok 11:45 pm about an hour from last text, I was sleeping W-night I didn’t reply.
So I guess I move forward with the divorce and move on with my life. I thought I would feel better. Maybe I do a little. It’s nice not being in limbo anymore. I have someone new to play with.
Hey Jake. Sorry you are going through all of this.
Originally Posted By: BigJake
Im not looking for a serious relationship with her but I think she may be falling for me. She texts me all day long. We haven’t been intimate yet, but she sure wants to be. I'm not quite sure how best to handle making my intentions known without hurting her feelings. She might be on the same page, but man she has that I love you look in her eyes. Little scary.
Then tell her straight up you are not into anything serious right now. Surely she will understand.
Hey Jake! I'm very proud of you. I know how hard it is. Telling the person you love to move on and that you don't want to be with them anymore. It pulls on your heart.
As for the female friend, I would tell her point blank that you can't get into anything serious right now. She will understand.
Part of me wants so bad to find someone to distract me.. but at the end of the day, I feel like I'll just end up doing to H what he did to me. and I don't want to mess myself up too bad emotionally, you know? I feel like I need to go through this, without distractions. I feel like I need to feel these feelings in order to get past it.
Hugs to you!
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
"I have been doing some thinking and this isn't working for me anymore. I deserve better. I think it is best we go ahead and go through with the divorce. I am not going to live like this anymore. I originally preferred that we work out our differences and get this marriage on track again but the more I think about it the more I see that you're 100% right, it's impossible, totally impossible, it will never work out between us. The sex will stop also because I've recently met somebody and I don't want to be having sex with you while I’m starting a new relationship with her.”(insert her crazy blank stare here)
"...you had your chance and you chose to have an affair with another man, I hung in there as long as possible, hoping you would eventually change your mind but all you're doing now is coming over for sex and having a good time at my expense, I don't know how often you see him and how often this happens with him, I don't want to share a woman with another man”...
Beautiful. I want to say these words in a calm and deliberate matter. It must create a closure that is incredible, and I know it doesn't feel good. The games have to stop.
Part of me wants so bad to find someone to distract me.. but at the end of the day, I feel like I'll just end up doing to H what he did to me. and I don't want to mess myself up too bad emotionally, you know? I feel like I need to go through this, without distractions. I feel like I need to feel these feelings in order to get past it.
Thanks timehealsall, I understand how you feel. I going to be very careful when it comes to this. I do feel like I'm cheating. In a way I am. But i also have to remember I am letting my wife go. Having a distraction helps that. it's up to you how much of a distraction it becomes.
