Around 2006, I had an almost WAW and came to Divorce Busting to help me save my marriage. My W was 33 at the time, I was 27. We have three chidren and had been together for 7 years, married for 5 at that time. I got the bomb of "I love you, but I'm not in Love with you."
I read Michele's books and many posts/sitchs on this site and it saved my marriage at that time. It was incredibly difficult, but everything I got from Michele and this site was the foundation for everything I did.
I had violated many tenets of marriage prior to 2006, not spending time together, disprecting etc. I took responsibility for what I did/didn't do and made a lot of changes to myself.
In spite of this, I find myself now in the same type of situation, however, the roles are reversed this time.
About two months after "the bomb" and during the early stages of DBing, we had another couple over to our house and the issue of sex came up. My W had been drinking and blurted out that it would "greatly turn her on" if she could "make-out" with the female of the other couple.
That didn't happen, however, it hurt and angered me that she said it. For most men this may be a dream, but it is not one of mine when I'm in a relationship. After they left, she asked me if it made me uncomfortable and I told her it did.
About a month later, my W went uptown to a bar and came home about 2 a.m. She had been drinking again and was there with the same female friend of ours. She gets into bed and says that she and the friend were talking about them having a "three some" type situation.
Then my W tells me that they talked about going back to the friends house so my W and the friend could "experiment" with each other alone. She asked me if that would have been OK. I told her it wasn't.
The next day I was basically devestated that she would even think of something like that. She claimed she didn't remember telling me that the night before and she would never "do anything" without me.
To summarize the next few months....we talked about the issue and I told her I was not interested in her or me sharing ourselves with anyone else. After this, she again tried to "change my mind" on the issue and that made things much worse. In the process she told me that she could easily see herself as a bisexual if we werent' together. On another occasion, she asked me if a "wife swap" would be "OK". I told her it would not.
All of this was extremely hard to deal with and still DB, but I was able to do it. I know she was hurting at the time and you could say she was in defensive mode and this was her way of wanting attention or some kind of connection. You could say it was alcohol, but she said things of this nature both sober and while drinking.
As the marraige got better, I found myself retreating at the same time because of what my W said/did. We talked about it over the next few months and I told her it hurt me alot. She said she was sorry and that it was not an issue to her anymore. She was supportive of what I felt and she has not brought it up since.
In spite of this, I was not able to let go and forgive her. As the last two years have gone by, I've become numb to her and she is getting affected by it and depressed. I've done alot to try and let go, but I'm making no progress and my marraige is again in crisis. There are regualar triggers to the issue and I then relapse.
Michele's "Forgiveness is a Gift" article describes my life perfectly. In the spirit of DBing, I'm doing a 180 and looking to others for help, which I have not done to this point with anyone other than my W. I feel a lot of guilt over this and I know I'm doing an injustice to my W and myself.
Any help/advice/questions would be very appreciated. Thank You
I have thought about getting C for myself. I have not considered MC because my W considers this issue "dead" and I am afraid bringing the issue up again will be destructive. I have skepticisms of IC and don't know how W would react to that.
have you really thought about WHY you feel like you can't let go and forgive her? what is that issue really stemming from? did it make you feel insecure that your W would approach you about this on a number of times, or make you feel like she was saying you were not enough for her? i only suggest that because i think that's how i would feel were i in that situation, and those can be difficult feelings to overcome. i agree with soleil that maybe IC for you to help get over this issue and potentially MC to continue nurturing your M. you put a lot of work into getting your M to a good place only to give up now because of something she asked about but never actually physically did.
as a woman, i know that sometimes women also bring those sort of things up because they think its something their H would really want. kudos to you for not giving in to her, though, it says a lot about your character to not jump on a chance like that. most men think it's just about as close to heaven on earth as you could ever get...but i know from experience that (especially when it's a good friend) it really only messes with the heads of everyone involved and can often end up breaking up friendships (or marriages).
stick to DB-ing. and really meditate on why you can't let go and forgive...
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
I have thought about getting C for myself. I have not considered MC because my W considers this issue "dead" and I am afraid bringing the issue up again will be destructive.
You have nothing to lose in asking to go to MC together.
Originally Posted By: hurtbuthopeful
I have skepticisms of IC and don't know how W would react to that.
You'd be going for you, not her, in IC.
Originally Posted By: trytryagain
but i know from experience that (especially when it's a good friend) it really only messes with the heads of everyone involved and can often end up breaking up friendships (or marriages).
My friend wanted to do a 3some so badly with her partner and they finally did it one day and it played a huge part in the breakdown of their R.
I am afraid bringing the issue up again will be destructive.
Well, I learned that one of the biggest things that broke my M was keeping things from each other that bother us.
Now on a second chance, everything is brought to the table, even tho it may cause tension at the beginning of the discussion, by the end, there is thanks and appreciation for not keeping it in, even if the issue does upset one or another.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Glad you came back here, Hurt. I'm sorry your M is still in trouble.
Originally Posted By: hurt
I was not able to let go and forgive her. As the last two years have gone by, I've become numb to her and she is getting affected by it and depressed. I've done alot to try and let go...
Tell us about the specific things you've tried.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
