i actually just took some tylenol pm and feel the sweet heaviness of sleep sinking in. i loved talking to his grandmother. she was very encouraging...at a time where no one else is.
is it sad i'm wearing my wedding ring to sleep but take it off during the day?
Not at all. I took mine off for 6 weeks, but started wearing it again. Do what you need to do to feel sane/normal.
Originally Posted By: trytryagain
actually, if this all ends in D, i was thinking i would sell my ring and go on a month long trip to italy...
Good plan. Again, do what you need to do to feel good.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
yesterday when i got up, i made it all the way to the shower before i remembered to think about my H. today, he was in my thoughts the second my eyes opened. i don't so much even think about him in a longing way anymore...it's more like our situation is on my mind all the time. what will happen, how will this move forward, where will i end up? of course i still miss him but it's clear that we are no longer talking unless it's related to our separation agreement.
i saw my IC yesterday. she is helpful but she isn't one of those "take a stand for marriage" types of ICs. if i say i think i'm ready to let go and move on, she fully encourages that. so. while it's good to talk to her about my up and down feelings and emotions, i still am wary of the advise of a person who's never even met my H and only knows my side and what i'm feeling.
it hurts that H no longer reaches out to me to talk or lean on me. i know this is all part of the process, but that doesn't make it any easier.
i find myself thinking about another man a lot, too. i dated him briefly a few years ago and really liked him at the time. we've been in touch from time to time over the last 4 years (but never anything inappropriate and he knew i was married), and i ran into him on my way to work on monday. i don't want to use him as a distraction or a means to get over things with my H, but i also don't want to close the door on a possible relationship with this guy a few months down the road. but it does at least for now help me alieviate some of the grief i'm feeling...in the sense that i realize that i could potentially be excited about someone else, too.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
have heard nothing from my H all week since monday...i feel very numb about it. it's hard to miss someone who isn't even there anymore. it's almost like i just miss the idea of him now. i think he probably needed the time to cool down after our legal talk on monday, but...part of me fears his silence. since he is unemployed now and i'm probably making more than him at this point, he could certainly come back to me and tell me he wants spousal support from ME. i really don't think he would do that, though...but then again, i don't really know this person he is now.
i have to wonder how it came to this. the silence feels worse than any harsh words ever could.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
Going over your sitch, I feel that you are making small, positive moves in the right directions. You are trying and thinking of 180s, which is good. Your H definately appears to be a person who retreats fast when he is pursued. Although it is the hardest thing to do, keep giving the space and not pursuing.
From day one of DBing, I always kept in mind that while saving your marriage is not guaranteed, you are guaranteed a CHANCE of saving your marriage. I know that paperwork/agreements, etc make it that much harder. That is ever more reason to keep on GAL and focusing on yourself.
Try not to wonder how the situation came to what it is. Continue to look at today and tommorow and what you're going to do today to improve yourself.
Silence from him is hard to deal with, but you must maintain that silence until he breaks it. If the man you dated formerly brings some serenity to you, or gives you hope that you can get through this, go with it. But, take it slow.
thanks, hurt. my H does have a history of running from his/our problems, so maybe one of the reasons that i've been able to deal with this the way that i am is that i've dealt with it with him so many times before. i guess that, sadly, i wasn't that surprised when he told me he wanted to separate...since he's told me that before.
i find myself adjusting to life on my own again, and it's not all that bad. i get to spend more time on myself than i have in the last 5 years. i've dropped 10 pounds and got rid of the plates my H wanted for wedding gifts that i never liked to begin with. i go to church and spend time with my family without feeling guilty for doing it. i do miss him and our life together, but my single life has been decent enough that i haven't really needed to wallow.
certainly i'm grieving, but...each day is better than the day before.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
i find myself thinking about another man a lot, too. i dated him briefly a few years ago and really liked him at the time. we've been in touch from time to time over the last 4 years (but never anything inappropriate and he knew i was married), and i ran into him on my way to work on monday. i don't want to use him as a distraction or a means to get over things with my H, but i also don't want to close the door on a possible relationship with this guy a few months down the road. but it does at least for now help me alieviate some of the grief i'm feeling...in the sense that i realize that i could potentially be excited about someone else, too.
This is good! It's a great day when you realize that you are thinking about the possibility of a R w/OM. When you realize that you can be interested in a man who isn't H. When you realize that the world is filled w/handsome, funny, kind, engaging men who would be grateful to be with YOU!
I had a brief fling this past month, which ended partially b/c I wasn't ready for it to be anything more. But it was good for me to be interested/excited about someone other than H.
After 7+ months of H's waffling, coldness, tearing me down, etc, it felt really good to have positive attention, that I wanted, from an attractive man. Kind of the exact opposite of what H has been doling out.
Hope that is helpful.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
thanks, ruined. i haven't really had much contact with this guy, mostly because i know i am not ready for anything more than a fling, and i don't want him to be a fling. although now that i've emailed with him a few times and run into him, i find myself thinking about him A LOT, and now it's almost like i've shifted my obsessing over my H to obsessing over this guy. he (OM) hasn't returned an email i sent him the other day, so i'm trying to take what i've learned here and not let him control my emotional state.
there are a lot of other fish in the sea, sure. i liked my fish just fine, but that's not the hand i've been dealt at the moment. i never thought i'd be looking at other fish again. other fish come with their own fishy issues and problems, no amount of shiny new-ness will ever make me forget that. hopefully i will get to a point in the next few weeks/months where i am ready to approach this, but i'm not pushing myself. OM extended an open ended invite for lunch that i know i want to take him up on...but not now while i'm still such a mess.
i haven't even signed a separation agreement at this point, and my H moved out just 3 months ago. that said, in my state, we're only 3 months shy of being eligible for filing for an uncontested D. in my mind, i'm still married, and though i'm interested in this guy...i struggle within myself at the idea of being with this guy, when i also want to DB and stand behind the vows that i made only 2.5 years ago.
early on, i was worried H was going to start dating or at least sleeping with other people, because, well, that's what guys do. i didn't even blink when a guy friend said to me earlier this week to just assume that my H had already done that (slept with someone)...so i think it's a good sign that i'm not throwing myself out there in an effort to "keep up" with what i think my H is doing.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
I think you're looking at the OM situation in a very healthy and level-headed way. The key is that you're still focused on DBing and that will keep you on the right path no matter what your H or OM does.
I also commend your stand to not wrap yourself in "flings" right now. It would indeed only make things more complicated for yourself.
The positives you've found (losing weight, spending time w/family, focusing on yourself) are good steps forward. Keep it up!
