The journey begins

[ImprovedRomeo]

CTH, Good job on not saying anything, that's what you should've done.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling down. It's understandable, especially when the WAS's show a small hint of the person they used to be, the person you thought they were. You just want to open up, forgive, forget and want things to be the way they used to be. I know.

However, this is her time when she feels most guilty for pushing the D on you, as she should. Don't let her guilt make you feel that she's truly remorseful or wants to change things. She just wants to feel less guilty and wants you to somehow console her, don't. Go dark as much as possible.

Focus on yourself and the girls! When will you have them next? plan a few activities for them...in a day or two this day will be another mountain you crawled and someday you'll look back and say "I'm aone tough SOB!". You know someone somewhere is writing the history, hers and yours. Yours will be read proudly.

[Gardener]

CTH,

However, this is her time when she feels most guilty for pushing the D on you, as she should. Don't let her guilt make you feel that she's truly remorseful or wants to change things. She just wants to feel less guilty and wants you to somehow console her, don't. Go dark as much as possible.

This is so true. Was in my case anyway. Twice, nights before the divorce, X suddenly began bubbling and bawling regret and remorse to me over the phone. She didn't follow up with any requests or hints at reconciliation, so, I didn't bite. Just let her go on. Felt like she was doing it only for herself, anyway.

In the end she did nothing, postponed nothing, changed nothing. Divorced me right on schedule as cold as ice.

[ClingingToHope]

SR, that's a great post. I do hope that in five years I look back at this time proudly. I was reading the first part of the "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" and it's about shattering.

Abandonment shatters everything you thought about yourself. It has examples of other people in there and I've had exactly the same feelings.

One thing I was wondering about is why I'm so emotional right now? It's been 11 months since I moved out. This morning after getting the girls to school I came back home to eat breakfast and I broke down again. What was hitting this morning was the question -- "Was it all a lie?"

Back in October she said she feels like she never loved me or that she had doubts as early as six months. In my head, I know that's script. In my heart, it makes me wonder about all the good memories -- or at least I'm wondering right now.

Did the actual divorce process open up old wounds for others on the boards or were you already pretty beaten down by then.

Another thing I'm realizing is that I still haven't accepted the fact I'm getting divorced. Honestly, every step of the way I thought there would be some miracle to turn things around. Even yesterday. And when another hurdle passes and there's no change I crash again.

I really don't think I'll accept I'm getting divorced until the paperwork is signed and the judge signs off on it. Was anyone else like this?

[Drew]

You will accept whatever happens - when you're ready.

Live in the now, is the best advice I can give you.

[NoLongerHere]

This is so true. Was in my case anyway. Twice, nights before the divorce, X suddenly began bubbling and bawling regret and remorse to me over the phone. She didn't follow up with any requests or hints at reconciliation, so, I didn't bite. Just let her go on. Felt like she was doing it only for herself, anyway.

In the end she did nothing, postponed nothing, changed nothing. Divorced me right on schedule as cold as ice.

I've seen this too.

[iwantittowork]

One thing I was wondering about is why I'm so emotional right now? It's been 11 months since I moved out. This morning after getting the girls to school I came back home to eat breakfast and I broke down again. What was hitting this morning was the question -- "Was it all a lie?"

Hey CTH, We have all been here, and asked these same questions, so we know how you feel. I'll try and rephrase my thoughts to you in hopes you can see it..

The answer to the question "Was it all a lie" is not what matters. However, the reason you are emotional about it, is you have chosen not to accept the answer to it.

Let me explain, if I can.

There are two answers to that question.

1- "Yes, it was all a lie"
2- "No, it was not all a lie"

Knowing that, which answer will make you feel better, in your current situation?

There is only 1 answer to that question.

Neither.

So, how do we cope with it?

We accept that either answer may be true, but neither answer affects our current present moment!

Keep the focus on you, and your kids, not things that are beyond your control. Truly, the answer to that question you posed is beyond your control, so you can let it go

I wish you the best CTH, you deserve it, and keep that in your mind as well!

[whatisis]

Good point, iwantittowork. How could you ever come up with a definative answer to that question? What would support a yes or a no, that is verifiable? Nothing. All you know is that you weren't living the lie, you loved. What your spouse felt is anyones's guess and she may not even really know. So, it'a a normal but pointless exercise to ponder "was it all a lie". You can never know and therefore cannot base your future happiness on getting an answer to that question. It will come and it will go, just let it go and carry on with now! You'll be fine, we've all been where you're at!

[faithisbelieving]

It's non sequitor.

I agree with WII and IWITW. It's a question similar to the chicken/egg question. There is no answer.

The reason we record and study history in school is to learn from it. Learn what may have been actions/attitudes attributable to a little boy or just having grown up with 'bad tools'. Retain that which made you desireable to marry. Continue that which makes you a great man and father.

You'll be OK.

FIB

PS

I really don't think I'll accept I'm getting divorced until the paperwork is signed and the judge signs off on it. Was anyone else like this?

I wrote my last post before seeing this question. Your feelings are similar to many other men here.

[BobbiJo]

To be honest I thought I had accepted it once the papers were signed. And I have become far more detached than I was, now that I know that for all his talk of "I don't want a divorce, I just don't know how to fix things" he ultimately decided not to try and stay married...

However in the spirit of honesty just signing the papers does not mean I or anyone else have fully accepted the end of the M. That is a legal action which ends the marital contract, so to speak. But acknowledging internally that the marriage is over will happen on your own time table...

[Gardener]

iwitw,

What was hitting this morning was the question -- "Was it all a lie?"

Hey CTH, We have all been here, and asked these same questions, so we know how you feel. I'll try and rephrase my thoughts to you in hopes you can see it..

The answer to the question "Was it all a lie" is not what matters. However, the reason you are emotional about it, is you have chosen not to accept the answer to it.

Let me explain, if I can.There are two answers to that question.

1- "Yes, it was all a lie"
2- "No, it was not all a lie"

Knowing that, which answer will make you feel better, in your current situation?

There is only 1 answer to that question.
Neither.

So, how do we cope with it?
We accept that either answer may be true, but neither answer affects our current present moment!

Exactly! Perfect!