Time for darkness.... (thread number 3)ears open

[james217]

I'm finally back home. update coming shortly. I need to eat and i'm laying down trying to relax.

[james217]

Well basically as I stated earlier. I was in the hospital. Pretty much all my tests came back negative so I don't have a brain tumor or an enlarged brain.

My blood sugar was 296 (mid 120s is too high) and I was trying to walk to e.r. (waw was meeting me there as e.r. contact and because she said I sounded bad on the phone when she called to find out about eye doctor appt) sat down and fell out into some bushes. Unconscious for over an hour I know possibly 2 I really don't know.

I got several texts and replied to one of my closest friends (we dated for a month or so years ago and have remained friends. she is also SD8's cousin) WAW was jealous and tried to take my phone asking who it was etc etc. I told her to respect my privacy the same way she wants me to respect hers (boundary) She told me I could go to my motel room and she'd go to her place but then calmed down.

I spent the night at a motel room near WAW. She stayed with me. took care of me. Made should I ate. Made sure I didn't fall into another coma and we ML several times fell asleep woke up and ML some more then I called the job found out I got it and then we checked out.

Woke up the next day and went to her place. I was shocked she invited me over there. She cooked me a nice chicken salad and I scanned her place. Very meager. Very few possessions. Very little food.

No signs of OM clothes or anything. The stuffed animals I gave her were all over her room. Not in the open though. They were put in bags and I think she had one of the bed. I can't remember.

Whenever WAW began to R talk I just listened. I validated. I stated a few things. I explained how we shouldn't be argueing like this. She agreed. I said we're both going to get sick from stress if we don't stop. she agreed. She stated how she loved missed and cared about me even though we're not together right now. I validated.

Well I kept leaving to go outside and smoke (WAW has quit since she's been gone) and to post on here and to text friend who has been there for me through alot of this with encouraging words. WAW kept wanting to know what I was doing who I was texting etc etc.

While I was outside smoking a cigarette, one of WAW neighbors came up to me and started talking. She actually flirted with me and invited me to her place. I'm like wth.

So I go back inside and lock the door. WAW sarcastically asks if I got her number and was I going to her room. But I could tell it bothered her. She said that I was blushing and smiling and I could not help it. It's been awhile since i've gotten some attention from another woman like that.

We ML again. We're just enjoying each others company I refuse to let her get into an argument with me. We're just laughing and having fun.

I really enjoyed her company. I set a few boundaries about respect and I won't allow her to unload on me and talk to me disrespectfully and stated I would do the same

She asked if I could help her find a job (i've always been able to find pretty good work) and go to the library tommorrow to help with her resume. I said it depends on how I feel.

She texted me a few times. Checking me. I didn't respond. She called me and we watched a tv show together. Then I just got off the phone with her. Ending the call first.

She texts me immediately asking am I ok and wanting to talk some more.

I dont want to get stuck in the friendship zone but I do want to be her friend and for us to both regain trust and friendship.

But I also want her to pursue and miss me. It felt good to actually get a compliment from another woman even though I know I wouldn't act on it.

waw needs to show me she's changing and is serious. I won't settle for crumbs. I won't accept less than her best. So I'm keeping my guard up and being wary. Just take it one day at a time and try to make our experiences positive

It feels good to have a job again.

It feels good find out what is going on with me healthwise and to be getting benefits to assist me with those issues.

I feel pretty good right now.

I cannot thank people on this board enough for working with me. For all the kind and harsh words whenever they've been needed. I have so much work to do. I have so much to learn.

I feel like God is changing me. I cannot believe how much my life is turning around.

I am growing as a person. I'm learning how to control my temper. think things through. take criticism and most importantly learn that being disable is not the end of the world.

I'm going to try to find a pt gig and go to college online. I want to stay busy and active and do so much

I have not been this excited in a long long time.

I cannot wait to start work on monday.

[BobbiJo]

I know you are in poor health and I hate to be harsh, but you say you are unwilling to settle for crumbs. If that is the case why did you decide to go to her place and to ML several times? You want to move out of the 'friendship zone'? I am pretty sure I have never ML repeatedly with one of my friends...

Just make sure you do know what you want and that you actually go for it and do not just go which ever way the wind blows at the moment. Take care of yourself...

[james217]

I know you are in poor health and I hate to be harsh, but you say you are unwilling to settle for crumbs. If that is the case why did you decide to go to her place and to ML several times? You want to move out of the 'friendship zone'? I am pretty sure I have never ML repeatedly with one of my friends...

Just make sure you do know what you want and that you actually go for it and do not just go which ever way the wind blows at the moment. Take care of yourself...

it seemed different. she actually invited me to her place to care for me until my father could come and get me after work.

i mean i want to be her friend but i want our M too. gotta start somewhere I guess.

THANK YOU FOR your honesty and reply bobbijo

i backslid. still woreking on the boundary issue.

[james217]

Update coming when I get home. Today was a pretty busy day

[james217]

Today was a pretty bad day.

This is how it started.

I got up this morning and asked my mom to take me to the temporary agency that hired me for the job. I needed to pick up and sign out some documents regarding how I get paid.

She unloads on me stating I dont tell her what is going on. I tried to talk to her last night and she wouldn't talk either.

So this morning we are argueing. She's pretty much unloading on me. Some of the most hurtful words ever were expressed. I felt really really really low. I don't think me and my mother will ever have a good relationship and it really bothers me.

WAW calls me and she tells me I should just get out of the house for awhile so we go to lunch and then we go to her place. I was pretty much in a funk from conversation with my mother (very bad conversation) and WAW was trying to cheer me up and I just got really sad and started crying.

Due to the stress from that conversation with my mother, I got kind of sick over at WAW house.

I was really really down today. I am thinking about leaving and maybe going out of state and living with some relatives and getting on my feet. I cannot take the yelling and argueing with my mom.

But I'm going to hang in there. Just get this job and try to save some money and then get my own place.

I told waw I was thinking about leaving and she had absolute fear in her eyes. She started crying her head off saying I can't leave her I'm note ver supposed to get sick or die or leave her.

I was just really down and just doing some thinking about what I'm going to do. In other cities I know I'd have some help from some family and would easily find work.

I'm just tired of the drama here with my mother. I would love to have a wonderful relationship with her. I love her dearly.

I think i'm just overreacting somewhat.

tomorrow is a day of rest and reflection. I need to decide what i'm going to do. I'm really leaning towards staying.

Just weighting my pros and cons and options.

If I do stay. I'm focusing on me. WAW and I have had alot of fun and bad times over the past few weeks. She has been tehre for me through today's drama with mom and when I got sick.

She obviously still cares very much. But until she can totally give me her best and totally give up her EA's then it's not gonna work.

She said she still needs time and space to think. that she enjoys our time together but enjoys her alone time too.

So I'm cutting down on my texting and calling. Im about to start being really really busy. We'll see if she misses me.

So I have 3 options

Stay here with parents and save money and work job
Move out of parents house and struggle but save a little money with peace
Move out of state and start over

[james217]

advice needed. I think I'm doing pretty good. A few R talks but no real argueing. No going off. No ruining the fun we're having. I just don't wanna get stuck as her saftey net or friend.

I think she's really starting to miss me though. I mean two days in a row at her place? More affectionate but distant

She did admit she's afraid of being hurt and that part of the reason she is enjoys being away from home is becuse she feels like she gets more attention from me.

Thanks for all the replies concerns and honest opinoins

[CityGirl]

As much as you don't want to hear this, as long as your W is in any type of EA nothing good will happen. Think about it, she has you "in person" to take her out, have sex with and be there when she needs you and then she has the fantasy of the EA.

Have you ever sat your mom down and said "Mom, I really appreciate you allowing me to live here while I sort my life out. I would very much like to improve our relationship and the way we communicate. What can I do?"

You fight with your mom then run to your W and she eats it up. Yet when your W doesn't want you around she makes sure you are not.

I wouldn't put too much stock in how she behaved when you were ill earlier this week. IMO much of it was her fear of not having you around as she wants.

[timehealsall]

I agree with CG.

I think your mom is worried about you and rather than be more compassionate about it, she's venting and is angry. My mother would probably be the same way with me.

I think you need to sit them down and hear them out and let them hear you out.

As for WAW, you are providing her with the physical aspect of a R that she needs. OM is providing her with the emotional aspect. You shouldn't have to settle. That's not right. I feel like you're getting too comfortable with her.

hang in there.

[james217]

As much as you don't want to hear this, as long as your W is in any type of EA nothing good will happen. Think about it, she has you "in person" to take her out, have sex with and be there when she needs you and then she has the fantasy of the EA.

Have you ever sat your mom down and said "Mom, I really appreciate you allowing me to live here while I sort my life out. I would very much like to improve our relationship and the way we communicate. What can I do?"

You fight with your mom then run to your W and she eats it up. Yet when your W doesn't want you around she makes sure you are not.

I wouldn't put too much stock in how she behaved when you were ill earlier this week. IMO much of it was her fear of not having you around as she wants.

Yes I have. I have tried to apologize and talk to her and state I wanted to hae a good relationship and stated I'm glad and thankful I'm here, but I also told her that the yelling (she is very loud) is bad for my stress and makes me get sick.

Mother has been taking care of alot of sick family members for years. She has a very low patience level with me because of it but i t has always been this way. My dad and my sister and me have always pretty much just accepted that she's going to do for them and we're going to get crumbs.

My mother blames my dad for my mistakes and failures. She doesn't see how I'm telling her even now I'd just like to have dinner with her or just talk and laugh. Or just get a hug.

I think that's why I'm settling with waw and I need to break that habit.

and I think you're right C.G. even though I don't want to hear it I'll explain when I post a short update in a few minutes.