My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[nicole8]

Timeheals- believe it or not I do feel like I got back some of my dignity and self respect last night. It actually felt good to just throw it in his face and call it what it is. He started off angry but backed down pretty quick when he couldn't deny the truth. He still doesn't consider himself an adulter.... But you know I told him he was. Even if he hasn't slept with her it is still adultry.

Anyway it did feel good to put him in his place and stand up for myself. I don't take offense to any comments at all and realize that it will take a long time to ever trust him again...,but he has to want to let me. And right now that isn't going to happen because he isn't in love with me.

[TrentC]

It is good that you are standing up for yourself, and you are certainly not wrong in calling it what it is.

But keep in mind that WAS's rarely react reasonably to being confronted. In his state of mind, all you are doing is reinforcing his mental image of the relationship: you're being controlling, trying to tell him who he can and can't be friends with, etc.

[timehealsall]

It is good that you are standing up for yourself, and you are certainly not wrong in calling it what it is.

But keep in mind that WAS's rarely react reasonably to being confronted. In his state of mind, all you are doing is reinforcing his mental image of the relationship: you're being controlling, trying to tell him who he can and can't be friends with, etc.

Exactly. They just see it as another reason NOT to be with you.

trust me.. it's INSANE, I know. but it's true!

[TrentC]

trust me.. it's INSANE, I know. but it's true!

Believe me, we'd all love it if our WAS's behaved in a reasonable manner...

[nicole8]

I do realize that I am only giving him more reason to run or proving his image of what the relationship is. I just am hopeless that he will ever come back to reality.... I guess I can't dwell on it and I can't change it either.

[Vulcanized]

H texted me That he never meant for this to happen...I responded, really then why do you selfishly pursue your affair with ow instead of putting the effort into bettering our m and yourself. No response from h....

What is wrong with me? Why did I do that?

Nicole, I got the exact same text from my H. Literally word for word. And I responded as you did.

I think it's just H trying to deal w/his guilt.

[timehealsall]

I do realize that I am only giving him more reason to run or proving his image of what the relationship is. I just am hopeless that he will ever come back to reality.... I guess I can't dwell on it and I can't change it either.

We all are sweetie. read my sitch.. you'll see I'm in the same boat here.. Fear is a b!tch.. I fear my H will be away and not think of me or miss me.. Better yet, I'm afraid that he will somehow think he's better off without me during this time. BUT I can't let that fear destroy me. I need to use this space from him to better myself and become stronger. I control my path, not him. I'm making changes in myself that will help me and any situation I find myself in, with or without him.

[timehealsall]

H texted me That he never meant for this to happen...I responded, really then why do you selfishly pursue your affair with ow instead of putting the effort into bettering our m and yourself. No response from h....

What is wrong with me? Why did I do that?

Nicole, I got the exact same text from my H. Literally word for word. And I responded as you did.

I think it's just H trying to deal w/his guilt.

My H said the same thing to me. "it was an accident. It was never supposed to happen." well guess what chump? it DID.

[TimeHeals]

H texted me That he never meant for this to happen...I responded, really then why do you selfishly pursue your affair with ow instead of putting the effort into bettering our m and yourself. No response from h....

What is wrong with me? Why did I do that?

Nicole, I got the exact same text from my H. Literally word for word. And I responded as you did.

I think it's just H trying to deal w/his guilt.

My H said the same thing to me. "it was an accident. It was never supposed to happen." well guess what chump? it DID.

Ditto here from my W, but she talks a lot and went on to say it was because we aren't compatible, rushed into things too soon, blah, blah. You all seem to know the drill.

[TimeHeals]

And right now that isn't going to happen because he isn't in love with me.

Yeah, I have heard that one a lot over the last 6 or 7 months. I have also heard, "I don't even like you".

That stuff used to make me angry, but now I am reading it all as some scripted behavior, and I don't think it has anything to do with me.

Don't get me wrong. I am no angel or saint, and I have made mistakes just like everybody else, and there was a time I used to wish I could go back and fix things somehow, but that is just trying to control a situation that is not within my control. Heck, nobody even bothered to ask or warn me, so after going through a range of emotions, I am starting to settle in on "nothing I did was unforgivable, and I would have worked to save our marriage if I even had a clue it was even nearing this kind of trouble" and "I don't deserve to be treated badly".

I don't know if I am giving up or not, but I certainly know that there is nothing I can do about it at this point except take care of myself, my dogs, this house, and hang onto my job. In a normal life with a good marriage that's a load in itself, and it's a lot to take care of as a single (which is looking inevitable).