"All rise"

[faithisbelieving]

Finality, I think, so to speak.

As some of you recall, trial was rescheduled for July 15th. My L called me the other day to say we have court on Tuesday, May 4th. This, now, appears to be the end: to sign the stipulation.

STBXW has been trying to 'stick it to me'. She calls contractors, repair people and the realtor behind my back when they should really be dealing with me. She threatens me to call them, book the dates, etc even after I've made repair arrangements.

STBXW: "you're trying to keep me in the dark".

D6 appears to be aligning more with STBXW, but, she still loves her dad. Yesterday, while my son was in religious school, I took her to the mall to 'go shopping with daddy'. I bought her a vanilla bean frappucino and she went to Claire's and picked out new earrings, sunglasses and make up (kids).

I still have feelings of unease/disquiet when, eg, last night, trying to do HW with the kids they suddenly HAVE to call mommy and I hear them say I miss you/love you etc. That's something I have to get over. They are never denied calling her...never dissuaded...etc. It's just my personal feelings of feeling inferior to her at the times that they do this. They never did that before. OTOH...there are times when they call me and say the same thing.

Divorce is not easy.

It's rough too, right now, because I coach girl's lacrosse on Saturday and my son has BB on Saturday. That part isn't rough but, on Sunday, STBXW does all the social stuff with them. I guess that will change soon when I will have them for a whole weekend. As I understand it, the divorce decree becomes effective on signing, so, if we sign on 5/4, done deal until the official decree is stamped.

It's been a long road. Never in a million years would I have ever guessed that my sitch would go from the 'Inspirational' forum here at DB....to one of the worst here. I had a great chat with my L the other day, a lighthearted one for the first time in a long time. She told me that my sitch was one of the worst that she has had in over 26 years. It is humbling to try and contemplate how this happened...how you can get dragged into this and get forced into a corner...to have to fight back and, in so doing, get financially and emotionally sucked dry.

Finality.

I texted my buddy 'Anthony' the other day, on Sunday, my day without the kids. Again, I sorta 'whined' that it won't be easy losing time with my children. He understood, but, correctly stating said to me that this is the burden that most men must carry when divorced.

Ironically, I will miss the camaraderie of some of the people here. Even tho' many of my phone calls were made during times of emotional extremis, I will miss the supportive tones of voices of the people that talked with me and the comfort of having someone to talk to when I felt all alone. There were times when I held back and made conscious efforts not to call out of fear of 'listener burnout'. It's easy to forget sometimes that the DB'er on the other end of the line has his/her own issues to have to deal with. I'll never be able to express the depth of my gratitude to my friends here.

Finality. Will loneliness be next when my family moves out? I'll have to keep busy. Perhaps, this will be the time to start dating again. Unsure. I know I am/was not ready. My thermometer was the need to run home and see my children. If you need to grab as much time with them as you can, then, IMO, it would not be fair to someone else to enter into any sort of intimate relationship. I guess that will change soon.

In May 2006, STBXW told me that she loved me but wanted the romance back. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't all me. It wasn't that I wasn't a romantic man. It was that we didn't have great sex or that I was unable to satisfy her. It wasn't because I forgot birthdays, anniversaries. It wasn't because I was a bad father or crummy son-in-law.

I do believe that divorce brings out the 'real you'. I am glad that I filed for divorce instead of separation. Our relationship was truly unsalvageable. It's just so sad. As a professional who must look at people in the eye..ask them intimate questions..examine them clothed and unclothed..in pain, etc, I can't even look at STBXW in the eye anymore.

Finality.

FIB