H approached me this morning saying: "This is coming from a place of concern. Every room in this apartment is a mess [then gave examples]. I'm wondering if getting a cleaning lady would be helpful for you. I'm naturally a messy person but I know that you're not and that you are probably not comfortable with this level of mess." He was clearly trying to speak sensitively to me and not sound critical.
I reacted calmly and said I know it's a mess and that I'm planning a big clean-up. I don't like how it is now and if I can't keep on top of it I will hire help. Then I asked him about his concern, whether it was because of how it's affecting the kids? He said yes, and he is concerned about me too. I did say that I haven't made housework a priority lately because I've been spending my time on other things.
Positive: this is probably the first time that H has expressed any direct concern about me since the separation. I almost felt a sense of disbelief hearing a speck of care for me coming out of his mouth because mostly he is stone cold to me.
Negative: most likely I am not doing as good a job of looking happy and together as I thought. H is probably interpreting the mess as a sign of depression and me falling apart. He may feel pity and guilt at the state that he's assuming I'm in, not exactly the effect I'm trying to evoke. Lends weight to Gnosis' theory that he is done but waiting for me to get on my feet (in this case emotionally) before pushing for D.
It is hard to keep on top of the mess. In recent years H had started complaining more and more about it (while doing almost nothing in the way of helping). My big 180 in the last year of living together was making a huge effort to keep things tidy, often spending 2 or 3 hours after the kids went to bed just doing housework in addition to the stuff during the day. A huge amount of my personal time was spent on housework (a lot of it created by H, who is a slob esp when someone else picks up after him). Of course I didn't get any appreciation or acknowledgement of that. I've let that slip since the separation. And sometimes things are very tidy but H doesn't always see that because it doesn't last long.
Keeping up the housework is an important 180 for me to make though...for me. I hate the mess and find it depressing. I'm very visual and feel bad about myself when my environment isn't orderly. Also, it's very important for me to be able to project (fake!) being happy and together...partly for my own dignity. I don't want H's guilt or pity.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
