This is a really tough situation to be in and this sort of thing can deflate a healthy happy person to nothing.
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what would I do if I knew that he was sleeping with her or another OW? Not really sure. I'd really rather know without H knowing that I know.
What could any decent person do? Other than realizing that we can't control what others do and ultimately they're responsible for their actions and consequences, just like we are. Think about why you want to confirm if there's an OW? If you have a plan of action then by all means do it so you can execute that plan such as filing for D yourself etc. If you don't have a plan then just be patient while you prepare a plan (flowcharts).
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It would be an emotional punch in the gut to find out about an OW, but I don't find it surprising that H would want to date/sleep around given that he doesn't want to be married to me any more.
It would be a punch in the gut for anyone! and it's really maddening that they think they're justified in having an EA/PA just because they single handidly decided they no longer have a family.
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So I think I should do nothing and stop thinking about this. Wish me luck. sigh.
You should stop 'assuming' that she's the OW or there's an OW but you should slowly start thinking about your plan in case there's an OW.
(((FM)))
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
H approached me this morning saying: "This is coming from a place of concern. Every room in this apartment is a mess [then gave examples]. I'm wondering if getting a cleaning lady would be helpful for you. I'm naturally a messy person but I know that you're not and that you are probably not comfortable with this level of mess." He was clearly trying to speak sensitively to me and not sound critical.
I reacted calmly and said I know it's a mess and that I'm planning a big clean-up. I don't like how it is now and if I can't keep on top of it I will hire help. Then I asked him about his concern, whether it was because of how it's affecting the kids? He said yes, and he is concerned about me too. I did say that I haven't made housework a priority lately because I've been spending my time on other things.
Positive: this is probably the first time that H has expressed any direct concern about me since the separation. I almost felt a sense of disbelief hearing a speck of care for me coming out of his mouth because mostly he is stone cold to me.
Negative: most likely I am not doing as good a job of looking happy and together as I thought. H is probably interpreting the mess as a sign of depression and me falling apart. He may feel pity and guilt at the state that he's assuming I'm in, not exactly the effect I'm trying to evoke. Lends weight to Gnosis' theory that he is done but waiting for me to get on my feet (in this case emotionally) before pushing for D.
It is hard to keep on top of the mess. In recent years H had started complaining more and more about it (while doing almost nothing in the way of helping). My big 180 in the last year of living together was making a huge effort to keep things tidy, often spending 2 or 3 hours after the kids went to bed just doing housework in addition to the stuff during the day. A huge amount of my personal time was spent on housework (a lot of it created by H, who is a slob esp when someone else picks up after him). Of course I didn't get any appreciation or acknowledgement of that. I've let that slip since the separation. And sometimes things are very tidy but H doesn't always see that because it doesn't last long.
Keeping up the housework is an important 180 for me to make though...for me. I hate the mess and find it depressing. I'm very visual and feel bad about myself when my environment isn't orderly. Also, it's very important for me to be able to project (fake!) being happy and together...partly for my own dignity. I don't want H's guilt or pity.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I can tend toward the lazy re: housework and picking up, too, but like you I much prefer a neat environment around me. It DOES help me feel less depressed, so maybe it will help you too. It's so hard to interpret why he brought this up- you're right, from what I know it's completely out of character for him to say something like this. Personally, I'm becoming rather suspicious of any odd behavior so I would probably just try not to give it any more thought other than what you've already concluded, which is that it would make YOU feel better to keep more on top of it. I find doing just a little a few times a day is easier than hours at a time--
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
It's a bit odd he would be so concerned for the children and their well being and how a messy house will effect them YET he allows his son's blood sugar to crash before delivering them to you so you can take care of it. Apparently the image is more important to him IMO.
It's also odd that he pressures you non stop to earn more money yet he is willing to shell out money on a housekeeper.
I would simply ignore him and put the house together on your timeline and when you are able. I do agree that a neat and organized home will make you feel MUCH better. I have spent tons of time on each room in my house organizing it and redecorating and it feels great! Now that my H's stuff is out of here it the energy in my home is totally different.
It would be interesting to see the state of his home. I am sure it is much easier to keep a neat home when you only have children living there one day a week.
Do a 180 on the rooms he sees. Livingroom, kitchen, children's rooms. Spend 8 hours on it for yourself.
Get rid of a lot of stuff if you can and it will be easier in the future. This is where your sister can help you. Probably she wants to help and doesn't know what she can do. Tell her you need and want help on this soon.
Yet don't beat yourself up. His apartment is likely slobby as hell. He doesn't have all the kids' toys there. And you're not over there looking at it.
It would make me want to do it so H could not take a "sympathy" attitude towards me. I would find that very motivational unfortunately.
Also, he may feel a lot of guilt. Who knows? If his depression comes across as numbness, callousness and anger, it's easy to cop an attitude with "female depression" that looks like exhaustion and tears. F him!
If you want to, hire some one-time cleaning help and bill it to him since they're his children (and thus HIS MESS) too. Do this in cash and don't ask for his permission or inform him. It's ridiculous to be judged during this stressful time for you, yet there are immediate solutions available to the clutter.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
It would make me want to do it so H could not take a "sympathy" attitude towards me. I would find that very motivational unfortunately.
Also, he may feel a lot of guilt. Who knows? If his depression comes across as numbness, callousness and anger, it's easy to cop an attitude with "female depression" that looks like exhaustion and tears. F him!
Yes and YES! You've pegged my H.
Well I got a lot of cleaning up done! There's always more of course, but it feels good. My parents are arriving on Sunday (from the other side of the continent) so lots of incentive. They are not neatniks, but I like things to be nice when I welcome people into my home.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
