Jumping to your thread. You said your hubby can be very affectionate when you go to bed. Is he being affectionate or passionate. Could it be you're converting his affection to passion and therefore want more? Just a thought.
Do you think your letter has had time to soak in yet. It maybe time to lay out what you would like in a non-threating judgemental manner. I'm sure you two can come to a happy medium.
I guess you're right about facing painful things. I've faced those D papers and feel better for it. I hope you are having this talk as I type and you will come back saying all is well. But in the end, you tried. Two years from now, you won't look back and wonder what would have been if you had tried. I think he has had few days to marinade on this. Time to throw him on the grill so to speak. Say hubby, did you read my note? You did. What do you think of it? Let him express himself as best as he can. Sift through his answer. There may be a few macho lumps in there but what's left over may be just what you're looking for.
Again, I ramble. Yes, please hook me up with the recipe. Most of my Christmas specials revolve around booze based items and standard baking. I love to bake and it helps me get rid of the blues. In fact, I'm thinking of doing it now to keep my PMA up and keep my sunny side up. I was just hit with a feeling that something good has happened just now. I will report later in my thread.
No we did not talk yet but I am thinking that rather than actually talking about the letter I will start to act on what I said and try to talk more about sex.
It is hard for me and I have been thinking about this because I do not have a problem with sex- I think it is a good thing. I think my inhibitions come from when I was younger and I did have a lot of problems coming to terms with my sexuality as I was growing up. I suppose I felt ashamed of my body. I think I did not really have the role models or the support to think of what was happening as something good. It just scared me and I only saw the bad side of it. But as I grew up I grew past this intellectually but perhaps emotionally I was stuck with some of the old hang ups.
It does not help at all that my H is kind of similar and does not like talking about sex either. I imagine that is one of the reasons I felt comfortable with him when we first met. Anyway I think we have both made the other worse. It is only since I started trying to improve our sex life that I have realised the importance of getting past my inhibitions, but I hope that is some way forward in itself.
I was reading an interesting book I got out of the library while surfing the web there the other day. It was about family therapy. It was saying that for the mother and father to have a good sex life is very important to the family as a whole. It is part of what binds the family together. Anyway one suggestion was the use of those sort of lover's guide type videos so I thought I might try to get my H to watch one of those with me. We do need some tips it seems.
Last time we made love I did later ask him if he enjoyed it and he said it was OK but I was too rough!! Well I think what he meant was that it was too clumsy. I felt sort of rushed as if he would stop at any minute and I was trying to manuoever him into a better position which he resisted. I think this is the sort of thing we could improve if we talked more about it. So I thought the video might be a kind of icebreaker as well as hopefully being educational (or possibly just erotic, but I think I would be ok with that). OK I feel I am getting better at this talking about sex business already. But it helps that I am not really talking and on an anonymous website. Still let's call it progress.
Now to less exotic but also satisfying matters; The Xmas Pudding recipe.
110g shredded suet 50g self raising flour 110g white breadcrumbs 1tsp mixed spice 1/4 tsp freshly grated nutmeg 1/2 tsp cinnamon 225g dark brown soft sugar 110g raisins 110g sultanas 275g currants 25g whole mixed candied peel finely chopped 25g chopped almonds 1 small cooking apple peeled cored and finely chopped grated zest 1/2 large orange grated zest 1/2 large lemon 2 tablespoons dark rum 65ml barley wine 65ml stout or 130ml stout or dark beer or 130ml red grape juice (non alcoholic version) 2 large eggs
Grease a 2 pint pudding basin (or a bowl that can be boiled)
The day before you want to make it mix all the ingredients together in a large bowl. It should be quite sloppy if not add a little more liquid. Everyone in the family should mix the pudding mixture for good luck.
Leave in fridge overnight for the flavours to develop. The next day place mixture in the prepared basin. Traditionally a small clean coin is added to the mixture. Whoever finds it will have good luck in the coming year. Seal the top either with a plastic lid or with greaseproof paper and foil tied on with a piece of string.
Place the basin in a large sauce pan and fill up to 3/4 of the way up the basin with boiling water from the kettle. Do not let the basin touch the side of the pan or it may melt (this has happened to one of my puds this year very annoying after 8 hrs boiling I can tell you) Bring the water to the boil and then simmer gently covered with a lid for 8 hours topping up the water every 1/2 hr. You can also cook it in a steamer, again keep checking the water regularly.
When cold if you covered the pud with greaseproof and foil replace with fresh paper and foil. If you used a plastic lid leave as it is.
Store the pudding in a cool dark place for about 4 to 6 weeks before using. Now is the time to make them ready for xmas. It is a lot easier than it sounds. Hope you will give it a try.
On the day you want to serve it steam/boil it again for 2 hrs.
It is normally served with cream or brandy sauce which is like a bechamel sauce (white sauce) with added sugar and cream and lots of brandy. We normally set it alight by spooning over a ladleful of flaming brandy or vodka. Just be careful. Some people also stick a sprig of holly in the top instead.
Thanks for the recipe Jiji. What's with all the grams and such I may give it a shot and see what we come up with.
I believe what that book says about the whole family being happy when the parent's sex life is good. When we were doing things, her co workers could tell when we had a session. The kids used to say that mommy was real nice after you guys go into the room and do whatever it is you do in there. I think they have a clue now.
As far as shifting ways to do things, I would be up for that if the W was doing that. I'm not blaming you for you efforts and this isn't a put down. But maybe you should call your shot before changing. It's flexible but....
How much input does he have on the moves? Is he up for checking out a book on the subject? That might help him a bit. I wish my W was more agressive. I've asked her to be in the past so what you're doing isn't bad. Maybe you can come up with the ultimate move and start and stay with it and blow his socks off.
It's such hard work all this sometimes. Was talking to a friend at work today who said her H would like it 24/7 if he could, but she didn't want to as she has not been too well. Hah what a bitch I thought. Didn't tell her about my sorry love life. Who would understand anyway? Hm you know what I would like the recipe for? Love potion no 9. Although it can backfire I hear.
Recently we bought a puppy, which is lovely. The downside is that it sleeps in our room and my H said he did not want to have sex with it "watching". He said don't worry it will only live about 10 to 15 years!!!
I did talk to him about this, but sort of joking (I think he was joking too). I am working on the talking about it business. I think I am getting better. One thing that sometimes puts me off is chosing the right word for something. For example I would think should I say "having sex" or "making love"? and this could put me off saying anything. So now I just try to say whatever comes into my head as long as it is expressed in a loving way. I still have some probs with it. It would be easier if my H were more relaxed about it but he seems very unreceptive sometimes, an annoying habit he has is that he seems to take things the wrong way on purpose when he is not interested in a conversation. I know he does this sometimes and it is OK if it is not such an emotive subject, but I sort of dread him doing this when I am trying to talk about sex.
I asked H if he would watch this sex guide type video with me and he said perhaps. I told him I was going to order one. When I get it I will ask him again more nicely and tell him it is important to me. I think it is hard to get this across somehow. He thinks of it as pornography I think whereas I want to watch it more as something that might improve our sexlife and thus our R. I am still not sure he sees the importance of sex in a marriage. Still easy come easy go. We shall see what he does when I order it using the joint credit card.
I still feel a little bitter that I am putting in all this effort and he is barely there. I know it's me who wants these changes but I suppose I want him to want me of his own free will.
Jiji. Maybe he's scared it will jump up and bite it off
I'm sorry to hear that he's not getting with the program. Or is he not getting with the program quick enough for you? I wonder if he's taking the guide video in the wrong vein. I wonder does he feel as if he "can handle this" without outsiders. The video being the outsider. I think if not now, soon he will realize how important a healthy sex life is to you and there for your marriage. Does your guy have any type of fantasy senarios that you're aware of? Maybe your next play could be bringing those to life. For example, I can remember just after we moved in, things settled down a little. I was out doing my runs and saw the W. I pretended to be a stranger coming on to her and trying to get her to do something naughty. She played into it and we wound up doing something next to a runway at the airport.
My point is maybe a different place/time/situation may rev him up. I don't know. I'm just talking out of my butt again. TRY not to let the bitter feelings get the best of you. This is what's inside my W now. Those are hard to get rid of once they set in.
BTW, I had a time exposing myself when the cat was in the room. I knew she couldn't bite it off but if she jumped up and grabbed hold. Maybe the puppy can take the night off the next time.....
Ok the obvious answer is to shut her out of the room. I know this but H seems to only think that we should make love when we are in bed any way. Not go there specially (or worse do it somewhere else!) You can see he is not very adventurous. I'm not sure if he would tell me about any fantasies he might have. Like me, I think he is a little mixed up about sex. Sometimes he talks about it perfectly normally in what I would call a mature manner. Other times he seems to feel it is perverted. I guess if I asked him seriously he would say it is a good thing in a marriage and nothing wrong with it. But on another level he is uncomfortable with it. I suppose this is all ASSumption however. The important thing is what I should do.
I think I will try to be extra nice to him and spoil him a bit. Also I will try the technique of "acting as if" when I talk about this with him. I will act as if he is being understanding and see what he does.
I told him I was ordering the video and he was OK about it. I won't try to force him to watch it tho, just ask and see how he reacts.
I'm not really bitter. I think it is because I am trying to do something and the progress is pretty slow. It gets frustrating in more ways than one! I will try to focus on all the good things he does for me. I will forget about this until the time is right to actually do something. Well I will go and play with the puppy and take my mind off it.
Holy crap! When I read this I almost passed out. Your husband is acting just like my wife. Anything can be used as an excuse to not have sex. You'll find, with your puppy, that it will amaze you at how it can get into things, or even get out of things. Our spouses are the same way. They can turn anything and everything into an obstacle for intimacy. It is truly ridiculous...and pathetic.
I may give it a shot and see what we come up with.
