Wife in MLC, filed in early March

[Mila]

You are getting some good advice CHH. Your W has been calling all the shots while you are just reacting the best you can while trying not to get her upset.

The anger that you are feeling...that's a normal stage of grief...you will get past that. Just try not to show her how angry you are.

This may help you to understand the grief process

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your spouse. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay blame. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationship may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers (God) for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring her back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your spouse, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to your situation, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness or giving up hope. But you will find a way forward.