As some of you recall, trial was rescheduled for July 15th. My L called me the other day to say we have court on Tuesday, May 4th. This, now, appears to be the end: to sign the stipulation.
STBXW has been trying to 'stick it to me'. She calls contractors, repair people and the realtor behind my back when they should really be dealing with me. She threatens me to call them, book the dates, etc even after I've made repair arrangements.
STBXW: "you're trying to keep me in the dark".
D6 appears to be aligning more with STBXW, but, she still loves her dad. Yesterday, while my son was in religious school, I took her to the mall to 'go shopping with daddy'. I bought her a vanilla bean frappucino and she went to Claire's and picked out new earrings, sunglasses and make up (kids).
I still have feelings of unease/disquiet when, eg, last night, trying to do HW with the kids they suddenly HAVE to call mommy and I hear them say I miss you/love you etc. That's something I have to get over. They are never denied calling her...never dissuaded...etc. It's just my personal feelings of feeling inferior to her at the times that they do this. They never did that before. OTOH...there are times when they call me and say the same thing.
Divorce is not easy.
It's rough too, right now, because I coach girl's lacrosse on Saturday and my son has BB on Saturday. That part isn't rough but, on Sunday, STBXW does all the social stuff with them. I guess that will change soon when I will have them for a whole weekend. As I understand it, the divorce decree becomes effective on signing, so, if we sign on 5/4, done deal until the official decree is stamped.
It's been a long road. Never in a million years would I have ever guessed that my sitch would go from the 'Inspirational' forum here at DB....to one of the worst here. I had a great chat with my L the other day, a lighthearted one for the first time in a long time. She told me that my sitch was one of the worst that she has had in over 26 years. It is humbling to try and contemplate how this happened...how you can get dragged into this and get forced into a corner...to have to fight back and, in so doing, get financially and emotionally sucked dry.
Finality.
I texted my buddy 'Anthony' the other day, on Sunday, my day without the kids. Again, I sorta 'whined' that it won't be easy losing time with my children. He understood, but, correctly stating said to me that this is the burden that most men must carry when divorced.
Ironically, I will miss the camaraderie of some of the people here. Even tho' many of my phone calls were made during times of emotional extremis, I will miss the supportive tones of voices of the people that talked with me and the comfort of having someone to talk to when I felt all alone. There were times when I held back and made conscious efforts not to call out of fear of 'listener burnout'. It's easy to forget sometimes that the DB'er on the other end of the line has his/her own issues to have to deal with. I'll never be able to express the depth of my gratitude to my friends here.
Finality. Will loneliness be next when my family moves out? I'll have to keep busy. Perhaps, this will be the time to start dating again. Unsure. I know I am/was not ready. My thermometer was the need to run home and see my children. If you need to grab as much time with them as you can, then, IMO, it would not be fair to someone else to enter into any sort of intimate relationship. I guess that will change soon.
In May 2006, STBXW told me that she loved me but wanted the romance back. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't all me. It wasn't that I wasn't a romantic man. It was that we didn't have great sex or that I was unable to satisfy her. It wasn't because I forgot birthdays, anniversaries. It wasn't because I was a bad father or crummy son-in-law.
I do believe that divorce brings out the 'real you'. I am glad that I filed for divorce instead of separation. Our relationship was truly unsalvageable. It's just so sad. As a professional who must look at people in the eye..ask them intimate questions..examine them clothed and unclothed..in pain, etc, I can't even look at STBXW in the eye anymore.
Finality.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Don't feel that you can't keep coming here. I always thought of this forum as after the divorce, and thus didn't come here until then. I know now that it isn't. All stages of divorce are included.
Issues will still arise and sadly they don't just go away once you are Divorced. Please don't feel cut off in any way. Years later people still come here.
I am sorry that you have gone through this terrible mess. You are doing a great job keeping it together.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Frank--don't feel like you have to leave this place! I've been final for almost a year, and still come here from time to time; some of my best friends are people I've only "met" here. The last thing you want to do as you're making the next transition is to feel isolated.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Thanks Kat. I'm fine. My main issues now are financially rebuilding, selling the house and adapting to the loss of time with my kids.
I look forward to not having her in the house anymore, the eggshell thing. I look forward to not being constantly insulted from every area in life, especially in front of the kids. It's the final lap...hitting the wall...and I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Quote:
I don't want to crush you but there is no physical chemistry.
Hmmm...I won't go into details but I'm sure ALL OF US used to start on one side of the floor and end up across the room.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Sometimes get in that situation where I read but don't reply, when support is one of the big reasons for this board. So just posting to say, I hear you.
Hey, you havent burned me out and I have free calls to US (although with H here now, it's more difficult)...
We got to start planning that trip to Paros Frank... Hugs K
I used to get the same feling when the kids talked to H when we were separated. I felt he didnt deserve them to loveh im, I felt they were fooled by him. Soon, I realised he was and always will be their father and I want my kids to be close to him, they need him. Frank, it's a difficult road ahead, not as hard as you expect it to be. And remember..., this IS the year of the Pisces...
Kalni...on Paros, near port there is/was a souvlaki place near an olive tree. Great souvlaki. I loved Greece. I didn't like the noise and pollution of Athens but I LOVED the ruins, especially near the Plaka...the Temple to Hephaestus.
Hoosier, Geronimo...my problem is: most people here had their WAS's punch out on them, or, their divorce was over in 6 months (like it should be). Think...I've been under the same roof with this woman now for four years as a combatant. It dragged out too long thanks to the State of NY.
I think...I think...I am thankful that I got to see my D6 grow from age 3 to age 7 and I got to see S9 grow from 5-9. I only get 2 dinners soon, yet, my L boasts that I have the most parenting time for a man in NY.
I don't want to go backwards. Nights....are going to be lonely soon and I have no choice but to adapt. I know I will. I just don't look forward to the transition until I get there.
Hugs to all. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
It definitely sucks Frank. It makes me want to become an activist for this issue, that's how wrong I think it is.
But you...YOU my friend have learned so many lessons over these four years. You found out what was important and allowed that knowledge to change the way that you think. And you certainly have grown in your love for your children. You've allowed what must sometimes seem like an endless nightmare to refine you, to toughen you in all the right ways.
I have no doubt that you will make every moment with your children a time where they know they are loved and cherished. While I rue the minimal amount of time you get, my bet is that your kids will feel more love in their time with you than many kids who live full time with their parents ever get to feel.
As for the lonely times in between, well Frank, you are an educated and adventurous man. With all the traveling you've done, with all the interests you have, you might be surprised at how easily you fill your free time. As for dating, etc, don't be in a rush. Let it happen in it's time and when it feels right to you.
If we've learned nothing else through the struggles we all fought through, we hopefully at least learned the incredible beauty of listening to and following our hearts.
Blessings,
Bill
P.S. I know why you would need to step away from here. But I assure you that in time you will realize that you have much to offer others who are new to this mess.
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
