Goodness, you guys are full of SO much good infor!! Ken, I am not where you are, thank goodness, but their advice is making me rethink some of my own tactics with a bratty, sulky H that can't seem to make up his mind if he wants his W and S or ?? Not sure what he wants (he is not involved in anything that I know of though.)
I was here 6 years ago and got the ILYNIL speach. DB'd like crazy, got my marriage back but I became VERY WIMPY. UGh!! It is NOT ATTRACTIVE!!!
Fast forward 6 years to the present, and my H has become a monster--angry, moody, verbally abusive, no sex, very controlling. I KNOW he has no respect for me--I have given into him over and over and over. His LL is Acts of Service and I have probably gone overboard--the guy doesn't do anything around the house, doesn't make a single meal. How in the HELL did I get to be this woman!?!
So I have gone BACK to GAL which is a 180 from my first 180 It feels SO WRONG and yet...I know it's the right thing to do. And Allen, Puppy, the rest--you are SO good at boundaries--is there hope for me??? (I USED to be so independent!!) I have tried to set boundaries, but I think I'm coming across as "controlling". There are just those subtle differences....any good sites you know of to help a person learn?
Ken, I hope I have gotten across to you that WIMPS are UNATTRACTIVE. Strngth is ALWAYS admired. Courage is the way to go. You have so much good support here--I encourage you to really take to heart the advice given!
Puppy, the rest--you are SO good at boundaries--is there hope for me??? (I USED to be so independent!!) I have tried to set boundaries, but I think I'm coming across as "controlling". There are just those subtle differences....any good sites you know of to help a person learn?
Laura, I'll take a peek at your thread, so as not to further hijack here, but I do think Allen has written some very good and thought-provoking posts recently about the whole "controlling" thing. I think that word gets thrown around (much as "racist," or "homophobe" do sometimes) as a way to just instantly stifle discussion.
Allen's view is, the opposite of "controlling" is "OUT-of-control," and when did that exactly become a GOOD thing???
How often do you guys see a wife who is emotionally attached to an OM for months (like mine) suddenly turn around and have NC with the OM and restore the marriage? Does it happen?
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Why do you keep asking us "How often does THIS happen," or "What are the odds of THAT happening?" What are you going to do with the answers anyway?
The only questions you should be asking yourself are:
1) Do I love this woman? Do I want to fight for my marriage? Is she a woman of character, temporarily making bad decisions, or is this someone that I don't think it's healthy for me to be married to?
2) What is the BEST approach I can take to fight for my marriage, if that's what I choose to do?
We can't give you percentages and statistics -- we're lay people, on an internet bulletin board. All we can do is share with you what we've seen work, in our own sitches and on the sitches on this forum.
Thanks WhatNow, for giving me sort of a plan that I can follow.
I was so afraid you would jump on that.....and sure enough you did. I did not see it as being sarcastic and I did not think you would either. It was as if it was giving you "permission" to be a weak sissy who just looks the other way while his wife and OM screw around. Have you forgotten how he would come into your home to pursue your W?
Ken, at this stage of the stitch, that option is sure to fail. The reason is b/c of the horrible disrespect your W has thrown in your face. If you chose this option "now" then how do you think she could ever respect you again? The respect is the critical issue right now. All you are thinking about is the OM, but the respect needs to come first and I don't see that happening with option 1......not after all this time. She would laugh at you for trying to put those traits into place. She would see it as you being weak. Beside, I gave you examplesof option 1 at thebeginning of your other thread, but that didn't pan out too well.
This womanneeds to see a strong leader in you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Please listen to the vets. I know it is hard and I have the sitch to prove it. My W just turned her EA into a PA recently and I was being a lot like you. Because of her decision I let her know that I am done and have been in NC for over a week. I have not heard anything from her in that time and maybe I wont but at least I am standing up for me and not taking any of her disrespect by hanging around as the "gay boyfriend" as Puppy puts it. Sandi wrote a great piece on Respect in my thread and I suggest that you check it out.
Detaching and moving on is the hardest thing to do but your W is still in an EA and not a PA. Let her know that you mean business and be ready to let go and really stick with it. You can do this Ken!
Another Ken
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
In your position, Ken, I would make a statement something like: Your contact with OM is very painful for me and is destroying the loving feelings I have for you. Then shut up about A and M.
I would Plan A for 2-3 weeks to leave her with a positive impression of you and your M and then boot her if she was still in contact w/OM. Handing her a letter reiterating your above statement: "Your contact with OM is so painful, I cannot tolerate it any longer. You must leave. I do not wish to have any contact with YOU, until youhave ended contact with him permanently, forever, and are willing to be voluntarily transparent with me to earn my trust in you again."
How does it sound to you Sandi? Right before bed, I told her, "Your contact with [OM] is very painful for me and is destroying the loving feelings I have for you." She didn't say anything - we just both went to sleep.
I guess I can't expect to see statistics on here, but I appreciate the examples of sitch's that have been turned around. The recent threads referred to me were men that came back. Good reading, but can someone point me to a thread or two of sitch's like mine with a wife who came back or decided to stay? I'd like to read up on what they did to facilitate that.
Allen, I know your sitch is a great example, although I'd really like to avoid her leaving if that is possible. I still would like to read about your case too if it is on here - how would I find it?
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Looks like I may have to change my plan. I noticed today that my wife recharged her cell phone with $50 and was on the phone with the OM again today. So I asked her if she wouldn't mind if I block his number on her cell phone like I did on our other phones (I would just do it, but I guess I need her pin #). She said she doesn't want to stop communicating with him and she's tired of me controlling her. I said, "It's not about being controlling. When you talk with him, it causes me pain. An affair is an addiction. I'm trying to help you." She said, "I don't need your help. I'm willing to cook for you and clean for you, but I'm not having sex with you." I said, "Well then, we need to move on. I married you to be my wife. Do you have a place to go?" She said, "No." I said, "Maybe this weekend, we can find you a place." She said, "OK."
Please help! I'm trying now to follow the advice from here. Should I just back off for a couple of weeks and see what happens or should I help her out the door now?
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
