Meeting with my pastor went well. I basically was looking to get 3 things out of it:
1. Disclose to him a couple of actions by my W that serve to cause me discouragement - namely meeting with the OM on the day of her baptism, and also attempting to get her parents to meet the OM while her and him were in their city attending a concert. This meeting never panned out as my father in law was unavailable and my MIL didn't want to be the only one there when my W stopped by.
My pastor called both of these things red flags.
2. How will I know if God is telling me to call it quits? Pastor called this a tough question, which I know it is. He basically said when it is time, you will know. Most likely in the absence of hope on my part. God can communicate to us through our feelings.
3. What is the church's guidance on divorce and what do I do next when/if our situation gets there? Pastor said the church allows for divorce, but considers you to be still married unless you get an annulment, the process of which generally takes a year, and does not commence until the civil divorce is final. I asked about dating and he basically implied that by the book you consider yourself married until the annulment comes through. Mainly so you don't find yourself in a committed relationship and then find out later your annulment is denied.
Pastor said in his 27 years as a priest he has never had an annulment in which he was involved fail to be accepted. He gave encouraging signals that my case would have a good chance, based on patterns of behavior from my W throughout our marriage (she has admitted to finding herself getting too close to other men at work on at least 2 other occasions, and broke contact before it stepped over the line).
All in all the general feeling I get from him is that while he admires me for what I am doing, even saying I am a "model" for what to do, he doesn't see much to be encouraged about with our situation. He did not say that, but he said things to make sure I know that he felt I had done all that could be asked for, and that I should have no regrets about not doing enough.
He knows the pastor at my W's church, and said that pastor is not afraid to confront anyone about unacceptable behavior. So giving that a chance is a good thing.
He also said to pray on the decision I face, and for guidance as to where I draw the line on my patience. God will reach me in a way that will make things clear.
What is clear is that while my pastor stated that he does not want anything he is saying to push me toward the direction of divorce, he would not have an issue with it.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
I'm glad you have someone you can confide in and let you know that you are doing the right thing no matter how things turn out. (does that make sense?) I have talked to my priest and feel better after doing so.
I don't want to put a damper on things, but how do you feel about an annulment? If I get D, I would like to continue to fully participate in my church. An annulment, to me, seems to make everything, M, kids, just like it all didn't happen. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. We can all get married again in the church and still be able to take communion and be full fledged Catholics. In a sense, it's like it is all very temporary and if something happens again, we just wipe the slate clean and start all over.
I'm sorry, man. I have been thinking about all of this and it just struck a chord with me. I talked to a L yesterday and it really didn't make me feel any better, you know?
Anyway, I am glad to read you are doing good. I continue to turn to my faith and realize that God helps us when we need it the most. I'm glad you have your faith to lean on. It does help so much. Like I said before, we sometimes have to really listen to hear what God want because it is often not what we want. I find myself wishing He would shout in my face so I couldn't miss what He was telling me. I get the feeling I still wouldn't hear Him if it wasn't what I wanted to hear.
Stay strong and continue to lean on God, family and friends. You can get through this, we all can!
Hey Pigskin, I don't want to put a damper on things, but how do you feel about an annulment? If I get D, I would like to continue to fully participate in my church. An annulment, to me, seems to make everything, M, kids, just like it all didn't happen. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. We can all get married again in the church and still be able to take communion and be full fledged Catholics. In a sense, it's like it is all very temporary and if something happens again, we just wipe the slate clean and start all over.
I have no problem with an annulment. Supposedly it is pretty thorough and looks for signs or patterns of behavior that you may have missed in yourself or your spouse which show something less than a full commitment to the marriage. I don't see it as erasing anything; it just means the marriage should not have come about.
Now whether I think I qualify is a different story. I made damn sure I was sure before proposing; I even waited about a year longer than my W wanted to. Plus we were blessed with 3 perfect kids. Hard to think that God would give you children if he didn't approve of the union.
In any case an annulment is not needed unless you wish to be married in the Catholic Church. Those who are divorced do not face any repercussions whatsoever. But if you remarry without an annulment or outside the church, you are not supposed to take communion, which kind of defeats the purpose of being Catholic.
Today for me is one of those days where I feel like moving forward. Not particularly down, but feeling like I've done all I can do and I need to get the ball rolling. Tomorrow will likely bring the opposite feeling.
I need to meet with a lawyer as well, idontunderstand, just to get some questions answered and understand the process. Maybe I'll do that later this week or next week.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
I have never read anything in the Good Book about an annulement being necessary to "resume" life after divorce. I have however come across a few passages that state adultery is an acceptable reason to no longer be married. Also indicates that you would be free to marry again and it not be sinful in nature.
Having said all of that, first and foremost is to love and forgive. When you receive your answer and you are at peace, you will do what feels right to you! Every circumstance has its own course. I would disagree with hope will disappear when it is time to call it quits. The reason I say this is hope should never disappear, but rather it changes to hope for the other to find their way on there own. He always gives us a way out of the trials and tribulations. I continue to believe you are "doing" all that you can. I have faith that you will know beyond a doubt when it is time to change your position.
I do not mean any disrespect in regards to the Catholic faith as I was raised Catholic. That is a tradition, but to this point; the only part in the bible I read as if it never happened is when God forgives our sins and blots them out. He sees them no more, beyond that I have not come across anything else that indicates treating something as if it never happened. Look to the word for your answers and reflect on how it applies to your situation.
Peace and Prosperity always!
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
I have never read anything in the Good Book about an annulement being necessary to "resume" life after divorce. I have however come across a few passages that state adultery is an acceptable reason to no longer be married. Also indicates that you would be free to marry again and it not be sinful in nature.
Having said all of that, first and foremost is to love and forgive. When you receive your answer and you are at peace, you will do what feels right to you! Every circumstance has its own course. I would disagree with hope will disappear when it is time to call it quits. The reason I say this is hope should never disappear, but rather it changes to hope for the other to find their way on there own. He always gives us a way out of the trials and tribulations. I continue to believe you are "doing" all that you can. I have faith that you will know beyond a doubt when it is time to change your position.
I do not mean any disrespect in regards to the Catholic faith as I was raised Catholic. That is a tradition, but to this point; the only part in the bible I read as if it never happened is when God forgives our sins and blots them out. He sees them no more, beyond that I have not come across anything else that indicates treating something as if it never happened. Look to the word for your answers and reflect on how it applies to your situation.
Peace and Prosperity always!
The Catholic Church's position is that an annulment is required if you desire to get married again in the Catholic Church. Without an annulment you are still considered to be married to your wife even if you are legally divorced.
I don't believe the annulment is viewed as "erasing" the marriage; it is just an acknowledgment that the marriage should not have taken place as there was not a full commitment to marriage and its permanence by both parties at the time the marriage vows were exchanged.
In my sitch I am now comfortable that there should be no guilt on my part if I elect to end the marriage. I have the "fire when ready" order; no one can say I did not do everything possible to save the marriage. So it just comes down to my feelings, my observation of whether I see reconciliation as being a possibility given my W's actions, and how long I'm willing to wait.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
You and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers.
Thanks IDU. I've got a nice hardened outer shell on the last few days. Pretty content and oblivious to sporadic machine gun fire trying to bring me down...
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Going to try to meet with a lawyer this week to review the divorce process and what to expect. A friend of mine has a lawyer buddy who recently got divorced, so I'm looking to get a list of potential lawyers to screen from him.
My W's apartment lease is up at the end of next month, but I see no end in sight to her EA. Yesterday W took our kids to a museum with the OM, his kids, and a couple of my W's friends from her prior workplace. She is making no effort to break anything off, and my patience is ebbing.
Strange how something so incomprehensible to me (filing for divorce) has slowly become more like a desired option. Perhaps that is God working through my feelings, as my pastor noted sometimes happens.
Still not at the point of pulling the trigger, but I am definitely putting a bullet in the chamber. I just don't see the point in continuing on like we are. The EA is 13 months old and nothing has changed. Our existence now is really no different than it would be if we were divorced, except for the fact that I could move on with my life.
So I'm looking to see what a lawyer will tell me. Then I'll set a date to make a decision.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
