Hi Guys I suddenly realised I am up to my 100th post on this board. So I thought this might be a good time to do a little review of where I am at. I hope that this may be of interest to people in similar sitchs. I am 27 HD my H is 37, LD; we are married for 2 years, together for 10, no kids.
I feel like I am in a good place right now. So first off a big Thank You to everyone involved in this board. One of the problems of being in a low sex marriage is that you feel so isolated with no one to talk to who might understand how you feel. At times I used to feel like I was the only one in the world in this sitch. I used to wonder if there was something wrong with me, or my marriage. I just had no idea where to go for advice. I couldn't talk to my H about it. It was like some kind of a wall between us. I think that was the thing which bothered me most about all of this: the distance it put between us.
I have always adored my husband. I married him despite these problems (infact it was me who proposed to him) and I did not want it to come between us (or in another sense I did!!). I never wanted our marriage to end, but the longer it went on the more the difficulties grew in my mind. I knew I could not go on like that indefinately, I worried I might be tempted to do something stupid if the opportunity arose. I worried about the future and about kids, which I wanted some day.
So finding this board has been a great relief. What I have gained most is the knowledge that this is quite normal and that the marriage can work out. If you have a partner with a (much) lower sex drive you can still have a good and happy marriage. It just takes some work.
An important point I have learned is that LD people tend to seperate sex from love. You have to accept that this is just the way they are and it does not say anything about you. It does not mean that you are undesirable or that they love you any less. This acceptance is a very key thing.
At the same time you have to somehow communicate to them that sex is a way in which you would like to express your love for them. That is a difficult thing to put across if someone does not understand it. However of course in a lot of cases LD people have at least some understanding of what this means. You just have to convince them.
In my case I had a lot of problems talking to my H about all this. I was embarressed to talk about the messier aspects of sex, and I felt he did not want to discuss the subject at all. In the end I wrote him a letter. I made a huge deal out of it and got a little over emotional, but he actually took it really well. He was a lot more understanding than I expected. He's great.
Since then I have just felt so much better that I could talk to him again. I still find it a bit difficult and embarrassing to talk about specifics. But I think this is something we could work on.
I feel a lot more relaxed about waiting for a time when he feels like it. He works long hours and is often too tired. In the past I thought of this as an excuse but now I understand that it is true. He only feels like it when he is energetic and rested. At the moment I do not find it too difficult to wait, even though I would actually like it more often. I find I can satisfy these needs on my own without feeling deprived, in the knowledge that I am loved and that we will make love sometime fairly soon. This seems to work for me. Since I wrote him that letter we have grown closer and I think he is happier to show me affection and perhaps even take it a little further than he previously would have. We had a snog on the bed during the afternoon the other day, and that did not used to happen before.
I have called my post "to infinity and beyond!" because I guess that since I am fairly happy there is a temptation to stop working on making things better. I do think though that now is not really the time to quit. I would like to make our R even better. The sex could certainly be better (and perhaps a little more frequent). In general I think I could look at improving my life, which would naturally also improve my M. So time to set some goals!
1 Work on talking more openly about sex with H 2 Talk further with him about the idea of sex as an expression of love (or maybe write something?). 3 Start being more organised about looking after the house (he would appreciate this) 4 Lose some weight and get fit (everybody has this goal I know!! but I am a cook in old people's home and I make lots of nice cakes every day. This is becoming evident)
Kids. I have been thinking about this recently. I'm not trying to rush into anything here, but I do want to start a family fairly soon. I am nearly 28 and H is 10 years older so perhaps now (I mean fairly soon)is a good time.
I don't want to get it confused with the lack of sex thing (I know this could be a problem but we have never tried to have a baby before so who knows) but recently the paper was carrying a series about adoption and I found myself considering it. I have to question my motives in this. It's something I like the idea of though. Something else to discuss with H!
Well this has been fairly long I know but I hope some of you have not yet fallen asleep. For anyone who is trying to resolve this problem I would say that there is definately hope, so keep going and be patient.
Anybody with advice on my new goals ect please feel free.
I can't tell you how great it is to hear a success story, especially from an HDer who went looking for solutions. I mean, the HD person is ALWAYS the first to know there is a problem, but given the problem actually belongs to someone else, I think it is doubly hard for HDs to find answers. Did that make sense?
At any rate, I find your story to be very inspiring, and I always look forward to your posts.
I think you're an inspiration and an exceptionally loving person. Your h sounds like a good man and he clearly has stellar taste in women. I'm glad you've found your path.
Corri and MPT Thanks very much but it is thanks to yours and others advice and support on this board that I have been able to make these changes and I have learned a lot by reading the different posts on here.
I felt really good after writing that post yesterday and thinking about how things have changed. I was feeling very happy and loving toward my H and we had a really nice cuddle. I felt like it may have led somewhere, but it was quite late and H wanted to go to sleep as he has to get up at 5am. I wondered if I could recreate this kind of atmosphere earlier in the day. Also was thinking about some of the posts I read about less tiring ways of making love. This is the sort of thing I would like to talk about with H but find it a little difficult. This is one of my goals. I need to make those goals more specific. So here is new goal no 1 Have conversation with H about less tiring ways of making love. I feel quite nervous about this but I think that may be a good sign that I am pushing myself a bit.
Thanks Honey I am going to keep posting and let people see how it works out for me now. At least they will be able to avoid some of my mistakes!!
Talking of mistakes last night I ment to talk to my H about the adoption idea. I wanted to get his opinion on it before thinking about it any further, but I was sort of scared to bring it up. I wasn't sure how he would react. I don't know why I should feel this way as normally I can talk to him about most subjects apart from the embarassing/awkward r problem ones. Perhaps because it was quite important to me. Anyway it was quite late by the time we had opportunity to talk and he was tired- and I knew it was a bad idea to try and have a sensitive discussion when he was tired! Also I started off badly by calling him by a jokey pet name I have for him which I think he doesn't much like but somehow I have got in the habit of calling him by it. Then I lost my nerve and didn't say anything. That really annoyed him and he got up and went to bed. But I went after him and said I was sorry and he was OK about it. So there you are how not to have an R talk.
Today I had another go at this, this time much better. He was in a good mood and not tired or irritable. I forced myself to ask him his opinion and he said he is OK with the idea. So I told him I was considering it and he seemed interested if not wildly enthusiastic. I am definately going to think more about this now.
Whenever I bring something up like this with my H I seem to automatically expect a bad response and he always pleasantly surprises me by being very thoughtful and kind. I thought I would write him a little letter to say Thanks and put something in there about working on talking more. And tell him I lurrrve him
So I wrote this letter in which I tried to thank my H for being nice but also mentioned about wanting to do more open talking about sex, but that it is hard for me to do so. I got a Thank You card as well. It was hard to know exactly how to give him this missive because I felt I would feel odd giving it to him and being there while he read it, but there did not seem to be a good way to get it to him when I would not also be there. In the end I left it with his sandwiches last night so he would find it in the morning. As I said he gets up at 5am before I do and I stayed in bed. He obviously found the card as he had opened it but I don't know if he read the letter or what he thought of it as he went off leaving it behind. I wish he had said something as now I will have to wait all day till he gets home.
I don't know if he realises how difficult it is for me to be so honest about some of my feelings. I don't always find it difficult to talk, but I guess I always keep a lot back. So even though I did not really say much in this letter, to me it felt rather like baring my soul. Being so frank makes me feel kind of vulnerable like I have really laid myself open to getting hurt. I wouldn't do this of course if I really thought that my H would be unkind about what I said, but still it is very uncomfortable for me. It is like being exposed and I worry he may hurt me unintentionally. OK I guess I am scared he will laugh at me or say something nasty and that would be awful and cut me to the quick. But at the same time I am also afraid he would not have any reaction to it because he thought it was nothing special, when it means a lot to me (as you can see from this angst).
Well if you could see this letter you would laugh because it is nothing to get so worked up over. I will try to be a little more cool about it.
Must go to work now I have to cook the Xmas Puddings today so can't be late as they take 8hrs to cook.
Well the Xmas Puds seemed to turn out OK. Today I am making some Mincemeat.
A hard days cooking really helps to calm you down when you are freaking out. When I got home I felt much calmer. It did not bother me too much that H did not say anything about the letter. He seemed in quite a good mood tho and was nice to me. I wondered about saying something myself but decided not to for now- I didn't want to push too hard, just leave it and see what happens like sowing a seed. I guess he took it as a love letter rather a "relationship letter" (a new term I have just invented). It's true I would have liked more of a response but of course the true response I want is to improve our R. It seems to me that he did seem more affectionate. Although I said I would like to talk more openly about sex with him I don't think either of us is ready to jump into a full blown sex talk. We are just up to the point of making little jokes about it. I guess we are talking about baby steps here, but they all seem to be heading in the right direction.
Quote: Well the Xmas Puds seemed to turn out OK. Today I am making some Mincemeat.
A hard days cooking really helps to calm you down when you are freaking out. When I got home I felt much calmer. It did not bother me too much that H did not say anything about the letter. He seemed in quite a good mood tho and was nice to me. I wondered about saying something myself but decided not to for now- I didn't want to push too hard, just leave it and see what happens like sowing a seed. I guess he took it as a love letter rather a "relationship letter" (a new term I have just invented). It's true I would have liked more of a response but of course the true response I want is to improve our R. It seems to me that he did seem more affectionate. Although I said I would like to talk more openly about sex with him I don't think either of us is ready to jump into a full blown sex talk. We are just up to the point of making little jokes about it. I guess we are talking about baby steps here, but they all seem to be heading in the right direction.
Hey Jiji. I thought I would jump into your thread and say good show. I envy where you guys are now and hope one day to be here too.
I'm glad you didn't push the issue of the letter. I'm sure he did see and read it. But it may take time for what was in there to soak in. If I were him, my response may very well have been the extra affection. Until lately, I'm not good at speaking my heart. He may not be either. Give him time to do his thing and have a frank open talk about sex.
I think the jokes are good and may act as an ice breaker one of these days. I like the thought of your letter sowing a seed. In my case, I hope this was the case too. I think it was. I/we just have to keep watering it to see what grows.
BTW. What is a Xmas pud???? Do I have to google it to find out?
Hi Blackie Sorry I didn't reply straight away my computer has been off line for a while. Now in public library obsessively checking up on you all. Sorry to hear your W filed for D. It is hard to have these things made public as well. I still think you have a good chance of saving your M tho. Keep DBing away. If you still love your w you could always keep dbing even if the D did become final. This can work. I liked something I read which said you should not be afraid of D because you would want to divorce yourself from this R and start a totally new one.
Back to my own sitch and I wonder if I am doing the right thing by not saying anything or if just being a coward? I will think about what you said tho.
These last few days have been feeling rather frustrated. Was thinking about this last night. Sometimes my H can be very affectionate when we go to bed and this makes me want more. I was wondering if I should tell him not to do this to me if he is just going to push me away if I go too far, as he did last night. I felt quite hurt by this. I was thinking perhaps I should wear one of those Granny nighties like the old ladies in the home I work and just give him a peck on the cheek. Perhaps he would like that?? Later I was thinking more about this and I realised that you can't turn away from what you should be doing just because it may have the potential to be painful. It's as if I think that all pain is bad, to be avoided. But this is not always so. In many cases you cannot grow without going thru some hurt so you just have to face it. It's never as bad as you thought it would be.
I can't stop being myself just because my H does not feel the exact same way I do. Neither of us is wrong we just need to find a way to be more understanding of each other. But I would not really want to lose the physical affection he is willing to participate in. I need to find a way to handle this that will work for both of us not just one.
Maybe this weekend I will try to start up some kind of conversation about sex and see where it goes. Must be brave!
Xmas Pudding is what we have for dessert on Christmas Day. It is a rich suet pudding a bit like fruit cake only softer very nice you should try it I will give you the recipe if you like. What do you have?
I'm glad you've found your path.
