GF, I understand the confusion you feel. I've been there. What helped me most with it was the reading and understanding what a MLC is all about. The things I didn't understand or was confused over I came to the board and I asked. Sometimes the same question more than once. Sometimes it took a little time to process the information.
I was confused as you were whether I should handle issues that came up that my H used to do, or ask for his help to show that he was still needed. The information I read lead in two directions. One said handle it by yourself, the other said show him that he is still needed. I finally found the correct words and way to ask my question as follows...
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Right now I'm very confused on another issue. I've read that we're to show our MLCer (actually for ourselves) that we're capable of carrying on just fine without them. That they are attracted to strength and confidence and to light the way home. I've read in other places where the MLCer needs to be needed. How do you know which way to be with them?
I don't need my H as I'm going to be fine without him. I just want him because I love him.
The answer from a very wise dber was...
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They gravitate towards strength and independence. They want us to go on w/our lives and learn how to do things while they are in la la land. During their early travels, they want us to cut them loose so that they do not have any responsibilities nor feel guilty about not doing things for us. As you travel along, if you point blank ask your h to assist you, he may very well say no, choose to ignore your request or just plain forget about it.
However, as they travel further along the path, there will be times when they will actually offer up to assist you...thus the white knight rescue. By this time, you aren't sure whether to ask for assistance or say you'll do it yourself. You are then just as confused as they are as to the boundaries that are playing out between the two of you. Sometimes, you have to follow their lead. If the mlcer offers to assist you w/something and it's not crossing into your boundary, then accept...but be sure to thank the mlcer for doing the deed.
Now, this is where it will get sticky. Once the mlcer has offered to assist a spouse, the spouse automatically "assumes" that he/she is waking up and can call on the mlcer for assistance at any time....NADA! Accept the mlcer's moment of clarity and leave them alone after that....no expectations. Allow the mlcer time to digest what he/she has done and for he/she to see that you are not going to pursue or have high expectations. Pressure, guilt and expectations will send them running to the hills.
Keep in mind, there will be some things that you will need to ask him directly to assist you with and cannot wait for him to pony up. But, as a rule, you know your h better than we do....you will know when to ask for assistance and when not to.....it's all in following his lead and your gut instinct.
GF, I hope this helps you as much as it helped me. You have to show him you have the strength to build the path that leads home. That same strength will see you through if your H decides not to follow it.
