Hi Guys I suddenly realised I am up to my 100th post on this board. So I thought this might be a good time to do a little review of where I am at. I hope that this may be of interest to people in similar sitchs. I am 27 HD my H is 37, LD; we are married for 2 years, together for 10, no kids.
I feel like I am in a good place right now. So first off a big Thank You to everyone involved in this board. One of the problems of being in a low sex marriage is that you feel so isolated with no one to talk to who might understand how you feel. At times I used to feel like I was the only one in the world in this sitch. I used to wonder if there was something wrong with me, or my marriage. I just had no idea where to go for advice. I couldn't talk to my H about it. It was like some kind of a wall between us. I think that was the thing which bothered me most about all of this: the distance it put between us.
I have always adored my husband. I married him despite these problems (infact it was me who proposed to him) and I did not want it to come between us (or in another sense I did!!). I never wanted our marriage to end, but the longer it went on the more the difficulties grew in my mind. I knew I could not go on like that indefinately, I worried I might be tempted to do something stupid if the opportunity arose. I worried about the future and about kids, which I wanted some day.
So finding this board has been a great relief. What I have gained most is the knowledge that this is quite normal and that the marriage can work out. If you have a partner with a (much) lower sex drive you can still have a good and happy marriage. It just takes some work.
An important point I have learned is that LD people tend to seperate sex from love. You have to accept that this is just the way they are and it does not say anything about you. It does not mean that you are undesirable or that they love you any less. This acceptance is a very key thing.
At the same time you have to somehow communicate to them that sex is a way in which you would like to express your love for them. That is a difficult thing to put across if someone does not understand it. However of course in a lot of cases LD people have at least some understanding of what this means. You just have to convince them.
In my case I had a lot of problems talking to my H about all this. I was embarressed to talk about the messier aspects of sex, and I felt he did not want to discuss the subject at all. In the end I wrote him a letter. I made a huge deal out of it and got a little over emotional, but he actually took it really well. He was a lot more understanding than I expected. He's great.
Since then I have just felt so much better that I could talk to him again. I still find it a bit difficult and embarrassing to talk about specifics. But I think this is something we could work on.
I feel a lot more relaxed about waiting for a time when he feels like it. He works long hours and is often too tired. In the past I thought of this as an excuse but now I understand that it is true. He only feels like it when he is energetic and rested. At the moment I do not find it too difficult to wait, even though I would actually like it more often. I find I can satisfy these needs on my own without feeling deprived, in the knowledge that I am loved and that we will make love sometime fairly soon. This seems to work for me. Since I wrote him that letter we have grown closer and I think he is happier to show me affection and perhaps even take it a little further than he previously would have. We had a snog on the bed during the afternoon the other day, and that did not used to happen before.
I have called my post "to infinity and beyond!" because I guess that since I am fairly happy there is a temptation to stop working on making things better. I do think though that now is not really the time to quit. I would like to make our R even better. The sex could certainly be better (and perhaps a little more frequent). In general I think I could look at improving my life, which would naturally also improve my M. So time to set some goals!
1 Work on talking more openly about sex with H 2 Talk further with him about the idea of sex as an expression of love (or maybe write something?). 3 Start being more organised about looking after the house (he would appreciate this) 4 Lose some weight and get fit (everybody has this goal I know!! but I am a cook in old people's home and I make lots of nice cakes every day. This is becoming evident)
Kids. I have been thinking about this recently. I'm not trying to rush into anything here, but I do want to start a family fairly soon. I am nearly 28 and H is 10 years older so perhaps now (I mean fairly soon)is a good time.
I don't want to get it confused with the lack of sex thing (I know this could be a problem but we have never tried to have a baby before so who knows) but recently the paper was carrying a series about adoption and I found myself considering it. I have to question my motives in this. It's something I like the idea of though. Something else to discuss with H!
Well this has been fairly long I know but I hope some of you have not yet fallen asleep. For anyone who is trying to resolve this problem I would say that there is definately hope, so keep going and be patient.
Anybody with advice on my new goals ect please feel free.
