80% come back?

[braveheart]

Jack, as I said earlier, everyone should do what they feel is best. I am not being critical of anyone's decisions. I am just merely sharing my own experiences, they are not what most want to hear, but they are what they are. I hope people don't gem mad, I won't, its not personal. I am a data guy, although I do agree that things happen against the odds and numbers. I have acknowledged this. Truegritter, you are one of the very few people on here that I have seen this happen to. Yes, it does happen, I have also recognized and acknowledged this, it is however rare when it occurs.

[iluvme55]

Hey H......I would love to prove you wrong......if I could prove you wrong, would you try not to be so hard on new people at least till their skin gets a little thicker.......ttyl

[braveheart]

IRMA, I am neither wrong nor right. I have acknowledged things happen, just rarely. I'm not trying to be hard on anyone, the original thread was does 80% come back? Its very obvious that number is unrealistic, I was merely pointing that out. I do not believe in lying to people, especially about this. If one wishes to stand for the rest of their life, its their choice, I wish them well in their quest.

[1000ships]

Braveheart,

1000 ships, where do you get this information that most MLCer's want to or wish to return

As Jack pointed out, I said many not most.
I no longer offer percentages. Regarding the 80% rule, back in the day I read it, spread it and now regret it. I neither believe or disbelieve it because I don’t feel that relying on the data in a situation like this is beneficial. Data can be changed and thus it’s accuracy is corruptible

I have been on this board 4 years and I have only seen that very rarely

Yes, I remember your arrival and you’ve pointed out how rarely you’ve seen returns several times it seems. You even made a list of a few and left out some regular posters who you corresponded with and knew. But you’re not going to catch all of them and I think most who are rebuilding leave the boards to work on their marriage. That’s not why I was gone and I’ve returned occasionally. Sure I’ve been working on my marriage, but there were other reasons for my leaving.

I have seen a couple of marriages restored, but very few. I also have my doubts on a few of them working out.

I also have my doubts. That is because LBSs claim restoration when their spouse comes back—often early in the crisis (before two years post Bomb)—rather than returning forward.

What you have to understand about an MLC is they leave because they feel their spouse is their problem. They blame everything on you, take zero responsibility or accountability in their lives. They are mean, spiteful, cruel, and downright mean spirited. At the end of the day, most probably do see that it didn't work out the way they wanted, but you have to understand that in order for them to return, they have to admit they were wrong.

You are telling me what I must understand?
A new identity does not mean I don’t understand. I’ve written about Monster based on observations in my own life as well as other LBSs.

its really tough to come back

ARRGH!
Coming back is easy. It’s difficult to return forward.

most people won't admit they have done wrong

That depends on what you mean and require in an admission.
Many will not verbalize an I’m sorry but will show it. And the verbalization is meaningless without the action—I received a lot of words before there were actions to back them up.

Some LBSs want their MLCer groveling.
Begging and pleading is yuck from either the MLC and LBS.
Apologies are wonderful. Actions are wonderful. But I wanted a strong spouse. MLCers return broken—or rather they attempt to return by coming back. Sometimes the returns are genuine attempts and sometimes they have no intention of putting effort into ending the affair to work on the marriage. Mine thought he could work on the marriage during the affair; I think he really believed that. So I kicked him out when I saw evidence.

I also believe that many in an MLC never come out of it.

Some don’t. Some become even worse and get stuck in Limbo.

Look with this...tempers are going to flair.

Not from me. I have received emails from posters who are upset with Braveheart. As for me, Braveheart has always been my discussion hero because though he supports, he brings up the things people don’t want to face, asking the tough questions. But he is polite and respectful in his style. Many don’t get that and only see him brewing up another batch of MLC Another Perspective.

[braveheart]

1000 ships, thank you for your kind words. Its true that we as people do disagree, that is what makes us different. I certainly have my perspective on things, I'm sorry if it offends some people on here, I don't make this personal, just my opinions on things. I try not to make anyone mad, but I suppose some are pretty passionate about their beliefs, I just wish they could be passionate without being angry. I guess its kinda like dealing with other things, you can't make people feel or do anything, so I suppose we will have to agree to disagree. I'm good with that, I can still be your friend and not agree. I will give a stat that might make some people happy. If your spouse is with another person, there is a 97% chance it will fail. If you are divorced and your XW or XH has remarried, there is a 65% chance they will divorce..... I also agree with those stats, I try to be fair!