Possible EA - Need Advice

[newmama]

I replied to sections using red text but switched to black text at the end---I highlighted sections in blue that I responded to!


[quote]So, can someone help me with how to deal with the coworker issue and what a reasonable ultimatum would like in this situation? Given that he works with her, he’d almost have to quit his job in order not to spend time with her on a regular basis.

Yes this is best. Other options include changing work groups, transferring, changing schedules. But I get that there are complications. Just sayin'.

What if I issue an ultimatum and he swears he won't see her/hang out with her anymore. How will I know? He only uses his work computer. He uses blackberry messenger and gmail chat to talk to her because those doesn't leave an electronic trail.

One idea is that you install a keylogger on his work computer (does he bring it home?). I think some tech savvy folks on this forum can possibly help you better with the messenger and gmail chat issue. But let me ask something- do you mean he talks to her for all issues using those methods?

They are on some of the same jobs at work, so how will I know the difference between legitimate work biz and socializing with her?

One idea is to ask him for his work calendar-access to his appointments etc and who will be there and how long each will take. Then ask him to be available via text or phone at the end of each so you can call and check up(i.e. 8 a.m. appointment lasts until 10. back at desk by 10)

Yes, he could lie. But you will have other clues as to whether he is lying-more on that later. Still, just giving you his calendar is a start.

I also highly recommend showing up at his work unannounced (you tell him that you will have the right to show up unexpected to help him earn his trust with you but you might also show up with coffee or lunch.)

I wish you could have a "mole" on your side- a spy to let you know!

If there is a work social event - someone's b-day, etc., and she is going to be there - is that okay?

Is it okay if he goes to lunch with her when they are with othe people too? Where is the line?

This is very tough BUT if she is there, he has to find an excuse NOT TO GO. He agrees to answer any and every question you have and tell you someone that you could verify with.Now this sucks but for me, WH said he told his co worker friends that we were having problems and that he had to end his friendship with OW so he couldn't join them if she were there. I NEVER DOUBLE CHECKED THIS WITH ANY OF THEM! DUMB OF ME!

And how would I ever trust given the history of covering things up?

He earns your trust back by doing the things you ask him to. Being honest when she is there or tries to talk to him. Is an OPEN BOOK. And that is the million dollar question too- how will we ever trust again? slowly with time.

As far as intel goes - I am currently having a hard time gathering intel because I have blown it in the past and he knows I snoop. I made the mistake of confronting after some of my intel finds, so now he leaves his work computer password protected and in the car trunk.

NOPE- you get access to his computer. You get his password. Part of the deal.

He is careful to close out all instant messages on his phone before he comes in the house. He diligently deletes from his cell phone all calls, texts, and emails from her. I only know this because the one time he accidentally left his computer open one night I found emails that were not in the cell phone so I know he’s covering tracks.

You are on this- no more- he will need to be an open book.

And of course, when confronted about covering tracks he claims that it’s because I go crazy over “nothing.” He wouldn’t have to cover his tracks if his wife was understanding . . .

I think they call that blameshifting or something where he blames YOU instead of taking responsibility for his inappropriate actions.


The one piece of information I have that he does not know I have is access to the phone records. He might figure that I can access the phone records, but I don’t think he knows that I have downloaded Excel files of all call logs for the past year, sorted them to count minutes to her vs. me, and tracked the trend over the past 9 mos. I can also see the times he’s called her and on 3+ occasions I can see that he called her while he was driving home from various nights out. Some of those nights he told me he was hanging out with non-work friends and so she shouldn’t have been around. So, even if he wasn’t with her, he’s drunk dialing her on the way home? Yuck.
JACK POT!!! Save this


The one thing he has on his side is that there is no missing $$$. If he’s taking her anywhere, she’s paying because I can access all of the accounts online and I check them often. But of course he knows that I do the finances so he would know to cover his tracks there too.

Is he using cash? Work credit cards? Or a secret credit card?

I can’t say I trust the working late 100%. His busy season was worse and is dragging on longer than expected. He says it’s because he’s trying to get a promotion; I worry he’s not really logging all of the hours he’s gone. And even if I could get a hold of his billable hour counts, I know that in his profession it is common to log more hours than billed.

I’ve thought of driving by his work at night, but I’d have to put my daughter in the car and risk that he’d recognize the car. She might tell him we went; he might see me. And I might get all the way there (30 mins away) only to find his car in the parking garage, which would ultimately mean nothing because she could have driven away from the office and left his car there just in case. My mom says I should hire a PI, but I couldn’t cover the cost trail.

I think you could ask about hiring a PI in Newcomers--there has to be a way to figure it out. I was also wondering if you had a close friend or relative who would either 1) lend you their car and babysit your D while you snooped or 2)drive by for you and take a pic of course with cell phone

I hate that I am even thinking like a detective myself. It feels dirty and wrong when I’m supposed to have a marriage of TRUST![/


Sorry but right now you do not have a marriage of trust-you are in a war for your marriage. I don't mean to sound dramatic- but it is really very serious. And you sound like you have been thinking very carefully about all of this- very smart!!

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Melody let me ask you- are you ready and willing to go no contact with him, if he refuses to end the "friendship?"

Also, I think you said she was married, right? So you can show her husband the information you have as well and tell him to do what he wants with it- he may not want to believe it-but exposing may help to end it as well. This is tricky so you have to just go with your gut on who or how to expose. I am sure people at work gossip about them!

And can you find a really good therapist to help you and your H if he agrees to end it? Just get your plan really tight-