Thank you both for your advice. Yes, I think an ultimatum is in our future. So, can someone help me with how to deal with the coworker issue and what a reasonable ultimatum would like in this situation? Given that he works with her, he’d almost have to quit his job in order not to spend time with her on a regular basis. What if I issue an ultimatum and he swears he won't see her/hang out with her anymore. How will I know? He only uses his work computer. He uses blackberry messenger and gmail chat to talk to her because those doesn't leave an electronic trail. They are on some of the same jobs at work, so how will I know the difference between legitimate work biz and socializing with her? If there is a work social event - someone's b-day, etc., and she is going to be there - is that okay? Is it okay if he goes to lunch with her when they are with othe people too? Where is the line? And how would I ever trust given the history of covering things up? As far as intel goes - I am currently having a hard time gathering intel because I have blown it in the past and he knows I snoop. I made the mistake of confronting after some of my intel finds, so now he leaves his work computer password protected and in the car trunk. He is careful to close out all instant messages on his phone before he comes in the house. He diligently deletes from his cell phone all calls, texts, and emails from her. I only know this because the one time he accidentally left his computer open one night I found emails that were not in the cell phone so I know he’s covering tracks. And of course, when confronted about covering tracks he claims that it’s because I go crazy over “nothing.” He wouldn’t have to cover his tracks if his wife was understanding . . . The one piece of information I have that he does not know I have is access to the phone records. He might figure that I can access the phone records, but I don’t think he knows that I have downloaded Excel files of all call logs for the past year, sorted them to count minutes to her vs. me, and tracked the trend over the past 9 mos. I can also see the times he’s called her and on 3+ occasions I can see that he called her while he was driving home from various nights out. Some of those nights he told me he was hanging out with non-work friends and so she shouldn’t have been around. So, even if he wasn’t with her, he’s drunk dialing her on the way home? Yuck. The one thing he has on his side is that there is no missing $$$. If he’s taking her anywhere, she’s paying because I can access all of the accounts online and I check them often. But of course he knows that I do the finances so he would know to cover his tracks there too. I can’t say I trust the working late 100%. His busy season was worse and is dragging on longer than expected. He says it’s because he’s trying to get a promotion; I worry he’s not really logging all of the hours he’s gone. And even if I could get a hold of his billable hour counts, I know that in his profession it is common to log more hours than billed. I’ve thought of driving by his work at night, but I’d have to put my daughter in the car and risk that he’d recognize the car. She might tell him we went; he might see me. And I might get all the way there (30 mins away) only to find his car in the parking garage, which would ultimately mean nothing because she could have driven away from the office and left his car there just in case. My mom says I should hire a PI, but I couldn’t cover the cost trail. I hate that I am even thinking like a detective myself. It feels dirty and wrong when I’m supposed to have a marriage of TRUST!
