Well my wife has just run out of cell phone minutes again (after recharging her account only about 3 days ago) and she hates to waste money, so I guess I'll wait and see what she does in the next few days (whether she recharges it again and talks with the OM). She closed out her FB account a few days ago and agreed to go with me to meet with a counselor a few days ago. So I'm hoping that she will stop communicating with him now.
By the way, I so so much appreciate you guys (Allen, Sandi, WhatNow, PuppDogTails, Jasper and others) devotion to helping people like me who are in this situation. I really want to learn how to handle this situation in the right way, but I must admit I have a hard time grasping the thought that sending her away is going to help our marriage rather than separate us for good. So Option 1 really appeals to me if I can somehow make it work.
Under what circumstances will Option 1 actually work?
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Well my wife has just run out of cell phone minutes again (after recharging her account only about 3 days ago) and she hates to waste money, so I guess I'll wait and see what she does in the next few days (whether she recharges it again and talks with the OM). She closed out her FB account a few days ago and agreed to go with me to meet with a counselor a few days ago. So I'm hoping that she will stop communicating with him now.
Under what circumstances will Option 1 actually work?
OK, I'll bite, although I can tell that you're only asking the same question, in different ways, until someone gives you the answer you want to hear.
Option 1 CAN work, although I can count on one hand how many times I've seen it work on these site, among the thousands of affairs I've studied over the past few years.
The people I've seen pull it off have these attributes:
- they are typically FEMALE.
- They are usually people of faith, who have a STRONG conviction to "stand" for their marriage.
- They learn the art of becoming "lovingly detached," and MASTER it.
- They GAL like crazy.
- They protect themselves legally and financially.
- They learn to lay out -- and ENFORCE -- strong boundaries of personal integrity.
- They have the patience, faith and intestinal fortitude to wait it out for the 6-36 months that such an approach typically takes.
Personally, I don't think you fit the profile, Ken. Option 2 is your best bet, in my strong opinion. But then again, I'm sure you'll do what you want to do, so . . .
There is never a clear cut "Option 1" or "Option 2" etc.
It's always something in-between. Maybe the first thing you need to do is not "think" communication has stopped between OM and your W. Your W should be completely transparent in her actions. She needs to tell you who she's calling, let you check her phone records, stuff like that. She has to have YOUR trust. Not the other way around.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
IMHO, "Option 1" only works BEFORE there is OM in the picture.
In your position, Ken, I would make a statement something like: Your contact with OM is very painful for me and is destroying the loving feelings I have for you. Then shut up about A and M.
I would Plan A for 2-3 weeks to leave her with a positive impression of you and your M and then boot her if she was still in contact w/OM. Handing her a letter reiterating your above statement: "Your contact with OM is so painful, I cannot tolerate it any longer. You must leave. I do not wish to have any contact with YOU, until youhave ended contact with him permanently, forever, and are willing to be voluntarily transparent with me to earn my trust in you again."
IDK something like that. Allen and puppy are really good at statements. I tend to rattle on and you want it concise.
Please guys! Stop quoting my terms option 1 & 2! I was attempting to be somewhat facetious since #1 and 3 really are not "options".
Ken, She may be using this time and the MC visit to justify why she must leave you! "See, world, I tried everything to save my marriage."
You must do a 180 now. Be a rock, a stable secure place for her to land. And rocks don't DO anything. They are just there, solid. You are all over the place at the moment. Get control of yourself and your emotions.
Yes, I know all of this sounds counter-intuitive.
Are you reading and re-reading?
There is a list of 180's around here somewhere...Print it out, read it once an hour...I'm not kidding! I think you can save your M, but you have to back off! You have to set a boundary, not just threaten one.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Thanks WhatNow, for giving me sort of a plan that I can follow.
And thanks Puppy, for elaborating on this:
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Option 1 CAN work, although I can count on one hand how many times I've seen it work on these site, among the thousands of affairs I've studied over the past few years.
This is what I really needed to see, some kind of statistics. I hope you are not exaggerating much, because if it is true what you're saying, I'm about to get on board.
But among the ones who do send the wife packing under my similar circumstances, what percentage return and how long do they wait? (ballpark figures, at least)
(I'd love to see any estimates from anybody that has experience here and could give me some sort of estimate.)
And if she does commit to NC with the OM (my primary goal for now), I gather that there won't be the need to send her away since obviously she is giving me something to work with, right?
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Option 1 CAN work, although I can count on one hand how many times I've seen it work on these site, among the thousands of affairs I've studied over the past few years.
This is what I really needed to see, some kind of statistics. I hope you are not exaggerating much, because if it is true what you're saying, I'm about to get on board.
This reminds me of that movie "Dumb and Dumber" when the woman tells the man there is maybe one out of a million chances, and he says, "So there is a chance".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
YOU are making their A oh so romantic!! YOU, not them, are making this a Romeo/Juliet thing! Every time you confront one of them about contact, without consequences, you are the DAD that is controlling a teenager. This is PUSHING them together.
So what can you do?
Option 1: Be the better option. She will see her A as deficient and give it up. You must ignore the A and focus on you and your M WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS. There are dangers here...Her thinking you are OK with her behavior, the A goes on indefinately, you become a complete mess.......
Option 2: Draw a boundary line. Me or Him. Me = M, NC w/ OM, COMPLETE transparency or she leaves.
Option 3: Both of the above. Eventually, "dad" will become to difficult to deal with and she will leave, for him, for anyone anywhere.
Yes, throwing her out will throw them together. This will make them see reality, eventually. But without you constantly pushing them together, they will probably lose interest. At this point, everything you are doing is pushing them together. YOu are reinforcing whatever justifications she has created about you and your M.
This is so painful to watch, I can't imagine how difficult it is for you. Please, please please, let go of the outcome. You cannot make her end it. You can make her want to end it, by stating a boundary and standing by it.
So, Mr Capulet, what do you really want?? A W that want to be with you or a W that runs from you?
What positives do you see in Option 1?
I was being sarcastic in even suggesting it b/c: It will also probably add to her guilt, which will also encourage her to leave. You haven't been able to stop pursuing so far. Her only consequences for ignoring NC have been more whining from you.
Option 2: She will miss your family and begin to want it rather than have it represent something to get away from.
You have to change your MO!
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Have you read mb28's thread? The same week she changed her MO, and stopped pursuing, her H has started to move in her direction. This is where your best chances are...stop pursuing, Take a stand. She is not running yet, all you have to do is make her turn around. The only way to do that is to enforce your stand against OM, and YOU turn the other way. She will then turn to see why you are not pursuing her.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
