Good advice Pup. See, I told you you were great with boundaries
And, GH, I think you are headed in that direction already...
Re: ""I've been thinking a lot about things and wanted to let you know that I will accept no deception in our marriage, and that her going out again without telling me was a form of that considering the already dubious nature of these friends." That's it. She looked at me kinda surprised and just said "ok". There hasn't been much else going on since then, which I think was Monday.
Our SL continues to be fantastic, better than it's been since the affair"
And, I bet the more you are direct and respectful of yourself, the better the sex will get
Now, consider what we here would say to your W in a situation when her H reacted like you do as described in 2-5.
I *might* suggest something like this.
1) Tell H that you will not involve him in your personal plans UNTIL he does something to address his consistent controlling and attacking response.
2) Make your plans on your own, involve H only as necessary for childcare.
The idea would be to break the cycle of disrespect and control and refuse to interact with H in a way that consistently violates the W's boundaries.
Let's say 1-2 would be a reasonable approach to take. Perhaps you can at least see why W might take such an approach... If so, then this could help get you on the same page. You could agree that this would be a reasonable approach for her to take.
The problem, then, is that (1) has skipped step (1) and not allowed for its implications. So, she didn't directly explain the problem to you before she went darkish on you. And, moreover, she doesn't allow you space for change. there is no UNTIL in her thinking. This doesn't allow for YOUR growth or growth in your M. It keeps you stuck in a nasty cycle.
But, you have already clearly grown, as your quote above demonstrates. Plus, you have sincerely committed to acting differently with her friends and acknowledged the previous problem.
But, unless she allows for your changes to affect her choices, she'll just STAY stuck operating from (2) in isolation, and using old, now FALSE, stuff to justify her current behavior.
THAT is where she needs to change and give her partner (YOU) space to be the partner she wants. If she won't allow the M to improve and won't recognize your changes, well, so much the worse for her and your M.
Hope you see the buy-in point via compassion and where if she is sincere she needs to acknowledge that her position is only justifiable if there is a real possibility for the two of you to work together to ditch your 1-5 for something that works for both of you.
BTW, did you read that article? Good for future dreams :-)
