mb, it sounds like you're making progress . Cheering you on!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Allen A - thank you for posting. I agree with you on him controlling my sitch, it's frustrating. However, one of his biggest complaints about me was how controlling I was with him. So I think it's good that I'm leaving the whole D or M in his hands. I can tell it has shocked him that I am no longer trying to fix it. And I think it scares him to death that I he has to be the one to make the decision either way.
I'm controlling myself and what I do with my life. Yes, I'm lonely and sad and miss him. But that is no longer going to be all that I'm about. I'm going to accept those feelings I have and whatever happens will happen. My goal right now is to stay as busy as I can with as much fun things as I can do.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
It sounds like you're headed in the right direction. Seems like you're doing good at putting yourself first and now letting him be the one to figure out what in the world is going on. Kudos to you!
I'm no expert on saving a M, (you'd think I'd be after the hell I've endured and made my M last as long as it has!...apparently I'm not with my sitch going on!) but one thing that I have realized without a doubt via DR and this online community is how and why things went the way they did during our last seperation in 2002.
I accepted that my M was over. I GAL. Really GAL. When I did, he noticed and wanted me back. When I gave in and trusted him enough to come home, it wasn't long before I stopped GAL. I did not realize that I'd done this until just recently. I believe that my putting myself last again, putting my H and children and their every wish, need, and desire before my own, I became unattractive again. Whatever you do, if you have a R, do not stop GAL! Been there. Done that. Not good.
Wishing you all the best and so thankful for your advice on my sitch!
Last edited by dedicated; 04/23/1003:32 AM. Reason: misspelled word
H is moving out of the house today and I’m moving back in tonight.
I was at the house last night with the kids, and he stopped by to take some stuff to his new apartment. And had the nerve to ask if I wanted to go see it!!! I said no and that I didn’t think it was a good idea. He then went on to tell me about all these good deals he found at a store for household items. He was acting like a kid with a brand new toy. He seemed so happy to be finally moving out. This was so frustrating to me to see him like this when on Tuesday he was telling me how hard it was for him to be moving out. I tried my hardest to act indifferent to it all. But I know he could tell it was bothering me, so he did try to act less happy I think.
When he came back later to the house I tried to leave as soon as I could. However, he started to ask me some questions about what I knew about some if his family drama with some of his siblings. I told him what I knew, and then tried to leave. He then started asking me if I was sure I could afford the house, which I replied with a yes. Then he asked if I really thought that I can handle it, again I said yes. And he said to please tell him if I couldn’t. Then he went on to tell me to call him if I needed any help around the house like sprinklers, hot-tub, etc. I told him I would figure those out or ask someone who could help me. He kept saying “I will help you, just let me know”.
His mood defiantly affected mine last night. However, after last night we will only be seeing each other every other Sunday. That scares me that he will be so happy not to see me, out of sight out of mind.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
So far this weekend back at home has not been as bad as I thought it would. Finally working on GAL for me. I did tons of yard work yesterday and it felt good. I think the trick is to stay as busy as you can.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Sorry your H is acting so childish. It's more or less what I expected.. he really is selfish I know...
The qustion for you is when did the selfishness start?
Is the affair causing this or has he always been like this?
I really don't reccomend you expose yourself to him in private... always try to ahve a friend with you until he starts showing some consideration... right now he's completely self-involved.
4luv's husband did the same thing...calling his new apt his "bachelor pad".. its passive abuse in my opinion.
Allen - Yes, he has always been a little selfish, but never this bad. In fact even his family used to joke with him about his selfishness. However, he was also very loving and giving to me so I put up with some of his selfish behavior.
He stopped by the house this evening without calling first. Luckly my sister and her husband were here, so mostly just small talk. However, he did ask me how I was doing. I said "ok, not to bad". He then asked if I was happy. I said, "no, not really, are you?". He replied with, "No, I'm not happy either". And that was that, my sister walked by us, and that ended the relationship talk. One other thing he keeps saying lately is "If we get back together". He say's that when we are talking about something he has bought or rented. For example: he told me about the washer and dryer he was renting for his apt and how it was better to rent than to buy, just in case we get back together.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Tues - H comes by so we can take him off my cell phone plan. I was having a very bad day and feeling very emotional. I knew it was a bad idea to see him, and I was very weak. While we were doing the phone stuff, I started pursing, which I haven't done in over a month!
Me: Do you want to have dinner together in a week or two? H: Maybe, I don't know, we'll see (acting annoyed) Me: What about having dinner this Sunday with us and the kids? (As if one rejection wasn't enough) H: What? I don't know (acting more annoyed with me) Me: What do you have to do to get out of your lease? H: Pay 3 months worth Me: If you change your mind about coming home, please don't let that be a factor in stopping you. We can figure out a way to get out of your lease. (Again as if 2 rejections weren't enough, I guess I wanted more (-:) H: I don't think I'm every coming home, so it doesn't matter. Me: I thought you said you were having 2nd thoughts? H: I was, but I just don't ever see it working between us.
He left and I just broke down crying the rest of the night. I don't know who I was madder at; him for rejecting me or me for putting myself out there like that.
Wed (the next day) I get a text from H: Sorry I was so grumpy last night. I'm having a hard time adjusting. I didn't respond and then a couple of hours later he showed up at the house to get something for the kids (his night), and I was already home from work.
H: Your nails look pretty Me: Thanks (thinking he has lost his freaking mind) H: I wish my lease wasn't so long. Me: OH (thinking maybe he is on drugs!!!! J/k) H: Do you want to go 4-wheeling with me and kids on Sunday? Me: I don't know I'll have to see, I have a lot of homework (thinking he has an evil twin that was at my house the day before).
My therapist said he is the one on a big rollercoaster ride with huge ups and downs. I need to be the stable straight train that does NOT go up and down hills based on his rollercoaster.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
. Cheering you on!
It's more or less what I expected.. he really is selfish I know...