Took my D to the city yesterday for her birthday - my baby is 11 already! We had a great time, shopped, people-watching. She got a Broadway-rendition of Celebrate-Good Times! sung to her that I taped. Came home early and exhausted. S didn't go because of a belly ache - probably for the best, so we could really do the girly stuff without the male whining.
Minor vent: Home together today until their father picked them up for dinner. He called me about 2, again to reprimand me... This time, it was that no one called him to say S14 stayed home. He went on to say that he needs to know where the kids are, "in case something were to happen." I didn't even get into it with him. Partly, because my mind doesn't process that fast, especially this kind of stuff. I've always said that I just don't get mean people - guess it applies to controlling bullies, as well. Like we're operating on different levels of reality. Then, he announced that he was getting the kids on the way home from work (which, as usual, is an hour earlier than the agreement), and since he was driving, I would have to pick up. I pointed out, again, that he is already in the car, driving past our house, when he is picking up - I am not in the car, or down in his neighborhood, and that it isn't "on the way" to anything, when it is time for the kids to come back here. I said I didn't want to argue about driving, anymore - did he still expect me to drive tonight? He said he would appreciate it. Appreciate it. I muttered Of course and just said Fine and hung up. A$$.
Mean people suck. And I can see how he is, now, and has always been to some degree (much more so with other people, back then) - a bully who wants control.
I'm trying to pick battles, do what I can to not have the kids in the middle and alleviate some of their hurt when he puts them there. I debated emailing him that the early pick-ups wouldn't "work for me" anymore, and that since the agreement lays out him doing the travel, that is what will be. Then I think about how he would tell the kids that I was keeping them from him. And there are still holiday issues to clear up for the year, and the old air conditioner mess that he left has to be fixed before the weather gets terrible again. Better to say nothing. Very alien to me, to not talk about stuff, but he has just proven that anything I have said can and WILL be held against me for the rest of my life. Just a shItty thing to realize...so much was thrown away by this man. Instead, I write diatribes and monologues addressed to this man in my head. Akin to putting it on paper and burning it, I try to mentally ball it up and let it go. I have found that things are better when I just expect him to be an a$$hole, since he hits the mark so often - then I'm not surprised, looking over my shoulder wondering who he is talking to.
As I was falling asleep (didn't work, can't you tell?), I started thinking about my D11's behavior...Her love, her outlook on life, is fear-driven. Probably was predisposed to it, but the divorce certainly hasn't helped. She is always so worried about doing something wrong... We got on the train early yesterday, during peak, but I had bought a round-trip off-peak ticket. She was wincing in pain and fear until the conductor came and just had me pay him the difference - it didn't matter that I told her it was no big deal, that it would be ok-I even showed her the cash, told her the worst-case scenario was that we would get off at the next stop and have to go to the ticket window. She was so scared. Hence, having the birthday party at her dad's house, to "make him happy." I forsee an ulcer in her future, and I'm not sure what I can do about that.
Oh, another topic that was brought up by IC last time I went, about S14. After a few pointed questions about my concerns and his grades, she suggested ADD/ADHD screening and his possibly being depressed - says it manifests in teens differently. When I said that x will pitch a fit about the ADD inquiry, she suggested that I talk to my friend up at his school candidly about it, so that a request can come from the guidance office there instead of through me.
Wow, after going back and reading all that, you wouldn't get the impression that I am actually doing pretty good - looking forward to working in the garden tomorrow with S14 and his friend, installing some pond shells that I've had forever sitting around, along with a small canvas gazebo I picked up on clearance last year. My back (which has been giving me some grief for about a month) is doing ok - always better after loosening it up - getting out of bed or sitting too long are bad. Spring vacation is going by too fast!
