I am so sorry that things APPEAR to have taken a turn for the worse. The key word is APPEAR. Look buddy you really have no idea what she will do and feel in the future. So IMO what you should do is take a step back for a second and figure out what makes the most sense for you and the kids.
You cannot control her, you cannot control her feelings BUT YOU can control how you deal with this. Will you throw in the towel? Will you let HER actions make you feel like sh*t or will you stand up and TRUST God? Your choice buddy. I know what I would do.
This is a critical time for YOU. One that if embraced can change your perspective in a manner that you will appreciate later. Later can be tomorrow, can be two months from now or could be when YOU decide.
Keep your head up, be respectful, be kind - be the man that God wants you to be and then TRUST Him and let go.
FTR - the above coming from someone who was served yesterday.
So what r u going to do now?
God Bless Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
It's not about playing games. Have you read DB? First rule is to not bring up any R talks because it pushes the WAS further away. Well, look what you've been doing. You haven't gone dark or whatever and everytime you meet up with her, it becomes about the R. Now the last time I checked, she got so fed up with you ignoring her request that she blindsided you.
So obviously not giving her what she wants or at least partially, isn't working. If you want to save your M, you need to do something different.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
Or better yet, put yourself in her shoes. If you didn't like someone and they kept bugging you or wouldn't give you what you wanted, how would you feel? Would you be all happy or would you get irritated? I'm guessing it's the latter.
Why would any of us believe we want to or need to be with someone who doesn't like us?
Originally Posted By: MrBond
You can tell her that you agree that what was in the old M didn't work and that's it. You don't need to go into details. What you were doing by avoiding being served, etc....that was playing games.
If you want to save your M, you need to come up with a strategy that will work.
She put a "budget" together for me based on what she thinks is going to be agreed to in the D papers. Just got an e-mail from her telling me this is not going to work ... w/o child support, she is in the hole $600.
What's not going to work? The apartment I picked out? I got the smallest possible apartment I could get for the lowest rent in the safest area for my kids. I have no intention of finding a cheaper place further away in a more dangerous part of town. The budget I figured out on my own seemed to be fine, and includes my share of child-care during the joint times that I have them.
What's she angling for here? Child support payments? My business collapsed and I am starting over, so she makes substantially more than I right now. Maybe she ought to be the one to adjust her living situation ... break her lease and move to a small apartment. D means breaking up a home and supporting two places safe and appropriate for the kids. I'm done making sacrifices for this little life-style she's chosen.
You know what the main problem is? Every post of yours tells of what she is doing and how she is driving the train. What have you been doing to counteract? It seems like you're still avoiding stuff.
After that email with the budget, you should send her a reply back saying, "sorry that doesn't work for me. I'll determine what I need for me and my children. Thank you." And that's that.
It shows her that you are not going to be pushed around anymore and you are seeing to the needs of the children first and foremost. She will be pissed but stop letting her emotions affect you. You can do this.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
CH, I'm with Mr. Bond on his observation and I think I've mentioned it before. Are you talking about your W or your mother. Did your W really give you a budget two months after canceling the lease on you home and not allowing you to move with your family?
Let me tell you this in the nicest way I know how. Sack up man! You may not feel like you have a pair but you need to find them. This is not a license to be a jerk but, you will feel better when you have some control of your life.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
CH - I am not sure what the child support laws are in your state but they usually are based on some formula. You may want to visit with an attny to get a better sense of what the guidelines are. I personally would not agree to anything with out an attny giving you some guidance on the matter.
I agree with C-bart. You need to protect yourself but do it in a way with class and dignity. In terms of her budget...she asked for this so I think she need to modify her standard of living. Just my two cents.
RE; the anger - you need to figure out a way to deal with it. Just make sure you do not hurl it back at her. There will be a time where she will need to reflect on her role in this - that time not determined by you or I but it is in His time. As for you, your time is now. A time for you to grow, trust and change. Change is often difficult to face in such trying times but if you allow it, ackowledge it, feel it you will become all that you want to be.
I'm praying for you dude. Keep your focus on YOUR goals. Keep your focus ilon your kids. Remember - this IS YOUR LIFE.
God BleSs Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I want to thank everyone for the great advice and I will continue coming here to re-charge. I check in frequently, and I value and am coming to cherish each and every post.
Understand that is all very raw right now. I'm still in a state of disbelief and going through all the emotions right now. Anger is most prevalent right now. But I'm pushing on. I meet the L on Monday and have a chance to respond on my terms.
The anger is to be expected and may come and go. The key IMO is to go thru the anger. Don't bottle it up...do what you need to do to release it. Scream, go for a run, beat up on a pillow just whatever you do do not take it out on your W.
Keep moving forward - keep your head up and finally, cut yourself a little slack. This crap that we go through is hard man..hard..but YOU need to KNOW that you will make it. You will grow and you will learn from all of this. You may not see it now - hell I still struggle at times but dude from this a new you will emerge.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
