tired of trying...

[beingreal]

Note to self...do not let the kid's call turn into mommy & daddy fight over the phone. Well, Daddy fought, Mommy just listened. Mainly.

At least they weren't around for it--they were playing.

In a nutshell, he had S6 put me on (won't be doing that again), the first couple of minutes he was actually calm & pleasant. Then the beast in him woke up & it was on like donkey kong. For him, anyway. Mostly about the kids--why he couldn't come visit them, why I was to blame, how they needed to be *weaned* from him anyway since he wouldn't be there. Just ran down a list of the past few days & how most of it was my fault.

I threw him out like a piece of garbage because I didn't love him anymore. I told him that wasn't true--I loved the man I married, I loved him still--I just couldn't let him be mean to us anymore.

"Well, I don't love you. I haven't for a long time."

Well okay then. There it is. Do I believe it? No. I think he just wanted to hurt me. And it worked. And I cried & he heard.

A few more words, him saying that the only problem we had was our marriage. I told him that wasn't true--our marriage paid the price for our problems, but it wasn't the cause of our problems. (I told you I was paying attention to the Laura Munson piece). We each have our own stuff to fix.

He started rattling off a list of things he was going to do while he was at his mom's. At first it was supposed to sound pathetic--but then he started talking about fixing the second house on the property up--probably for him so he could stay there and help them...ended with, "Who knows? Maybe this is going to be good for me. Maybe this is just what I need."

Maybe it is. I hope so. He needs to stand on his own two feet again. Figure out who he is again. If not for me, or our M (which I'm 99.99% positive is O.V.E.R.), then at least for himself. The thought of him being a miserable, lonely old man is still sad to me, even though I'm not even remotely interested in being around him as a lonely miserable old man. Is it normal that I honestly want him to be happy? This early in the game, I mean? I don't want to make him "pay". I don't see the point. We've all paid enough already. I just want to be happy.


It ended with a few more jabs at me. I had toughened up by that point & didn't let it get to me. That quote from earlier was running through my brain "Believe half of what you see & none of what you hear." So I ignored it.

But will someone who's been in his shoes please explain something to me...wth does he want from me? Is he going to feel better if I cry? He'd said that earlier in the convo--I told him I understand he is angry & he said, "That's the point--you're not angry at all!!"

So what does he want? Is being pissed & acting like a royal Britch going to make him feel better? A broken heart is measured by it's direct correlation to stupid, hateful reaction?

What does he want from me?

I won't be talking to him tomorrow night when the kids call. But fwiw--I did talk to his 96 year old grandmother & she was excited to talk to the kids.

<~~not going to take this out on people who don't deserve it.

btw--you guys getting tired of all the up to the minute play-by-plays?