No longer "stuck808". Now my name is Bond. "MrBond

[flowmom]

So the weekend turned out great. WE spent most of Saturday and Sunday together with the kids. Honestly there were times where I sat back and thought (why the hell are we separated)? I don't think even she knows the answer.

Sunday morning she was a little cold and distant, but by the evening, we were talking and joking. I told her I missed just talking to her.

Bond, that is wonderful. I really miss just being able to be together as a family. I hope that this continues to be possible for you.

My sister's nanny left her H, but after six months they were getting along so well that she did ask herself "why are we separated?". They apparently reconciled relatively quickly and are back on track. They have children BTW.

[MrBond]

Thanks flowmom.

It definitely hasn't been easy.

My W just called me a couple of minutes ago and we had a pretty good talk about nothing. I think that's going to be my strategy from here on out. I'm going to increase the communication now that she seems more into it and then start asking her out.

I still plan to stay detached and cautious, but I think now is the time to lower the walls just a tad.

[LSG]

MrBond,

I am glad to see progress in your sitch. Keep your optimism!

Progress is good and just keep focused on what it is you want for yourself and your marriage. Don't lose sight of that and you will stay positive and headed in the right direction.

[MrBond]

Thanks. It's definitely not easy, but I think I can slowly start to push things a bit. I'm thinking of inviting her to do something this weekend together as well.

[MrBond]

Journaling.

Well it's been a great day so far. My W called and we had a great convo. So I asked her to spend some time with us this weekend and she said "she'd love to".

Things are going so much better than they were even six months ago. I do wish she'd go and see a T for her depression but we'll see what happens. I also wish we had Retrouvaille out here. I think we'd both benefit from that.

She could be cycling and my own T said it sounded like it definitely sounded like her symptoms were a result of post-partum. Especially since my W's been tired all the time and unpredictable mood swings in the past. She's been calling me her 'husband' to others much more frequently now.

The positive changes are continuing and I really haven't done much to spur those on. It's like watching someone being waking up for the first time.

I guess I just had to let it run its course.

[Lotus]

Glad things are going well for you Bond. You have worked slow and steady, and it seems to have paid off.

[MrBond]

Thanks Lotus. It has been an interesting journey, but I think she really needed this length of time to process stuff.

Incidentally, I should clarify. When I say my W is cold and distant, it's not how she reacts towards me, it's that a cloud comes over her and she becomes melancholy. She's like this when she's just with the kids as well.

Her sister says she gets like that, but just blows it off. She's got clinical depression screaming out of her, but her family believes that things will "work themselves out". Total BS. Only a couple of her close aunts had told her she needed to get diagnosed and I never even told them what I thought. It's what they've seen on their own.

[MrBond]

I remember this from Hope4Us' post:

Be the Lighthouse.

Your spouse is in huge conflict....

The good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

The competition we believe that exists with the OP is a shallow, empty reflection of God's light in this world....

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush.

Their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again and again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong....they do not like what they are doing....

Their actions towards you, the children, the OP and themselves keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions with real dept and truth.

All they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life....yet the filling is way to fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down, regardless of whom is next to them....

They are the living cliche of...no matter where you go to hide, there YOU are.

He or she is lost to themselves.

And you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home. Even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that.

You become the lighthouse. You fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary.

Just visualize yourself as a lighthouse.

You offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get. You invite them towards it, let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way.

They are untrustable right now, but you know that. So they can't hurt you right now. They will spend great energy to convince others differently, but you know better.

You show them the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions. Set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives, without love busting.

Offer alternatives that let them see the children, but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them. You fill the childrens lives with stability. They deserve it and need it more than anything else.

Do not discuss or power struggle with them on irrational movements. Seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly.

Your spouse is very lonely and sad right now, but that is OK. No one can stay very long in that chaos..it is wearisome to the soul..

And remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos and eventually they will see that you are the only one who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most.

Be the lighthouse...

[MrBond]

Things are continuing to get better on the homefront. My W and I actually talk and joke around quite a bit. She's looking at me in the eyes when we talk and she asks how things are with me.

There are times that she gets lost in thought or gets into her "sad" moods. According to my oldest, my W is tired often and doesn't eat much. Probably from her depression, but I don't say anything.

One thing I did do, that before I would have thought of it as a backslide, was to call her out on behavior that I thought was rude.

Last week, I mentioned to her that our D's eczema flares up badly when she starts crying for my W. So I checked with the pediatrician and they said it was basically all stress induced. I was telling my W so that she would be aware.

She snapped back with "well what do you expect me to do? come back home and bite the bullet?"

I told her that 1) I was just telling her so that she would be aware of it since the pediatrician said it was a bad problem. and that 2) I didn't appreciate her saying that if she came home she'd be "biting the bullet" when I have no idea why she left in the first place and as far as I could tell, everything between us was getting better. I told her that if something were bothering her, I would appreciate it if she would tell me so that there would be no miscommunicating between us. I mentioned that whether or not she opens up, is her decision, but the kids and I were not going to be impacted by them.

She opened up a bit more and then we went back to having a nice conversation.

So all in all it's been good.

Then we talked about other things and she was fine as if the conversation never happened.

Weird, but oh well.

I invited her for a brunch on Mother's Day and she said she'd be happy to come. So I think it will be another good time together.

[rysmom]

Glad things are going better for you and your w. Is detaching working well for you?