Hang in there, FM. Be strong. Don't let the demons come calling. Keep a positive outlook for you and your kids!
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
That sounds awful. I wonder if now that the ice has been broken that you can sit right down next to her the next time and strike up a conversation.
You might get enough red flags before the conversation is over with to know. Or not.
This is tough because he has not said that he would tell you when he starts dating and you have chosen not to ask him to, right? That's where it currently stands?
All I can offer is my understanding and support. I'm not as good with words and advice as you are.
You are a strong person. You are a good person. I don't know you but I think everyone would agree with me that it is very obvious. I have no doubt that you will be okay. The road to okay sucks, but I have NO worries about you getting there!
"So I think I should do nothing and stop thinking about this."
I think you are right about this.
I don't know your sitch real well but have read the past few day's posts. And I relate to your feelings about the uncertainty of OW.
At this pt. H & I are separated a year, and though he initially denied an A, by know I am all but sure that's what happened. And that I know who it is/was. However, I believe he will never tell me. I have not seen him since Nov. & our only C is via email. All business stuff.
It's probably much harder to "not think about this" when you see/talk to H often. My H did move into our garage apt. but I 2 weeks now & still NC!!
Anyway, I wanted to offer you my support, you give great advice, and I got the book Journey from Abandonment to Healing after reading your recommendation. Haven't started it but the reviews on Amazon sound amazing, so thanks.
Whatever helps you to stop thinking about what H is or isn't doing, I wish you more of it. You are doing great and sound strong. Keep it up!
This is tough because he has not said that he would tell you when he starts dating and you have chosen not to ask him to, right? That's where it currently stands?
Not that explicitly. Our last R convo was on Jan 9 when he said that there was no OW, that he had no desire to work on the M but that he wasn't closing the door to reconciliation. I told him that I have a right to know if anything changes in his status and he agreed to tell me if anything changes. At the time I felt that an OW would be covered under that. But that was more than 3 months ago. At that point if he wasn't dating/having sex he may have felt more guilt and responsibility to me. In the intervening time he may have shifted towards letting himself off the hook, with the help of his friends. Or he just doesn't know how to tell me, for fear of me getting hysterical or punishing him in the D. And I guess there's even a tiny chance that he hasn't closed the door to reconciliation and doesn't want to hurt his chances by disclosing OW to me. Who the heck knows.
Last time I talked to DB coach (quite a while ago), she suggested that I gently but directly ask him if he's dating.
Last edited by flowmom; 04/21/1011:17 PM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I know it is not easy but your focus really has to continue to be on yourself and your kids. Don't get too caught up in OW. It is a lot easier to say than do, though. LOL. I think that there are really little magical qualities to the average OM/OW. They are usually someone who happens to be in the wrong place at the right time. Yes, they have a "pull" but I think that the "push" of whatever went awry in the M is usually stronger than the OW/OM "pull". The WAS sense of dissatisfaction is in many cases the fundamental issue.
I am not sure if the above makes sense to you. I just know that LBS can beat themselves up in the comparison OM/OW game and that is really not a road to be travelled on too often. It can be a one way street to a place that is not good.
If you do want to find out, you will have to ask him and hope that he is truthful. Keep on "doing Flo". You are doing well in difficult circumstances. Congrats on the job!
I'm wondering about what the DB coach said. Would it HURT anything to ask? Could you take the answer if it's positive, the feeling that you might be being lied to if he seems nervous, the anti-M spew it might bring? If so, I don't know if a simple question will move someone towards D who isn't already almost there. I could be wrong, but it seems unlikely. But if you're not even to chitchat yet, you might want to wait. Not sure.
I'm wondering about what the DB coach said. Would it HURT anything to ask? Could you take the answer if it's positive, the feeling that you might be being lied to if he seems nervous, the anti-M spew it might bring? If so, I don't know if a simple question will move someone towards D who isn't already almost there. I could be wrong, but it seems unlikely. But if you're not even to chitchat yet, you might want to wait. Not sure.
There are some good thoughts and questions here, rr22.
flowmom, do you have any upcoming DB coach sessions, or did you complete those? Just curious about what a coach would say now.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Yes, they have a "pull" but I think that the "push" of whatever went awry in the M is usually stronger than the OW/OM "pull". The WAS sense of dissatisfaction is in many cases the fundamental issue.
I absolutely think this is the case in my sitch. Doesn't stop one from comparing, but the reality is that any woman is going to look refreshing compared to a W in a marriage gone sour.
Originally Posted By: Number 8
flowmom, do you have any upcoming DB coach sessions, or did you complete those?
I completed three, but I'm considering doing more.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
