80% come back?

[1000ships]

Pandora,

i keep stumbling upon some statistic that says that 80% of MLCers come back. and of the 20% who don't, part of that is that the LBS didn't want them back.

If the 80% is true, then what? What does that mean to you; what will you do?
If instead, what Braveheart says about 5% return or restore the marriage, then what? What does that mean to you; what will you do?

Forget about statistics—I know, easier said than done. But what do you want? Are you going to make your decision based on the statistics? Do you base your desires on statistics.
I wanted my husband and marriage and determined that if the odds were 1/1000, I’d be the one.
If statistics are low, have you considered why?
Maybe others hear they are low and give up.
Maybe they are higher for DBers…or LBSs who learn Standing behaviors. Maybe not. Who cares! Choose what you are going to be based on your Self and what you want rather than basing it on what others have had.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

If you are expecting the numbers to work in your favor then the numbers are going to fail you.

You do the work, and work toward the set of numbers YOU want to be in in...be it the 80% or 1% that come back.

I wanted my husband and marriage and determined that if the odds were 1/1000, I’d be the one.

1000, That alone makes you awesome. : )

Be the 1 in whatever number. : )

[braveheart]

Jack, that is a great attitude in dealing with life, I agree about being #1. Unfortunately, in this situation, you have virtually no control on the outcome. There is one statistic involved that you can't ignore, and that is its really up to the WAS to come back. I have read some posters posts about those wanting to come back after the LBS has moved on. I think those people stand a greater chance, I mean how would want someone who hasn't moved forward and is sitting around waiting for them to come back?

[1000ships]

Braveheart,

Unfortunately, in this situation, you have virtually no control on the outcome.

Virtually no control?
That is not true. You have control over your portion of it.
It is true that you cannot make your spouse come home—back or forward. It is true that you cannot make your spouse want to be home or make them choose to be home.
But you control your responses. If you are reacting, you are not controlling your Self. Choose an outcome of joy regardless of what your spouse chooses or does.
Not all midlife crises will play out the same; no midlife crisis will play out like another. But I have learned that in many situations the LBS has the most choice. What I mean is that in the end there are many MLCers who want to return or wish they could and the LBS gets to choose to say yes or no

[braveheart]

1000 ships, where do you get this information that most MLCer's want to or wish to return? I have been on this board 4 years and I have only seen that very rarely, I know 1 person who went through an MLC and posted on here regularly and tried every way possible to make the marriage work, but in the end it didn't. I have seen a couple of marriages restored, but very few. I also have my doubts on a few of them working out. What you have to understand about an MLC is they leave because they feel their spouse is their problem. They blame everything on you, take zero responsibility or accountability in their lives. They are mean, spiteful, cruel, and downright mean spirited. At the end of the day, most probably do see that it didn't work out the way they wanted, but you have to understand that in order for them to return, they have to admit they were wrong. Most people aren't willing to do that, I mean you spend years telling everyone what a monster you are as the LBS, and how you were the cause of all their problems, its really tough to come back. Its been my experience that most people won't admit they have done wrong, its just a pride thing. I also believe that many in an MLC never come out of it.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

She said Many...not most.

Look with this...tempers are going to flair.

Anytime a number comes up.

Anytime someone says, most, many, some, few always never...

As far as numbers go...screw it. If a person WANTS their marriage to work, then they should be spitting eye of conventional wisdom. Anyone who looks at the numbers is hard pressed not to feel intimidated anyway.

But Screw the numbers...the only number that should matter is the number you determine yourself to be. What percentage are you?
Many, or Most, or few to none?

Determine your own course...and do not let some number, some percentage, or some grouping tell you what that is.

Data is corruptable...it is far from clean.

[forward]

BH, I think you are right that many MLCers never come out of it. They whirl and twirl and are basically lost the rest of their lives, if they ever grow up.

However, I have noticed that most MLCers DO have moments where they try to approach the LBS--sometimes directly, sometimes not. I would say that that is the norm, not the exception. It is really mostly a matter of timing.

The thing is, the LBS has often moved on by then--has gained self-esteem, perhaps has a new love, and sometimes has new standards that they insist. Although I am not currently involved with anyone, I am certainly leaning that way and it would take a great, great deal for X to win me back at this point. In fact, I doubt it could happen.

X hasn't expressed an interest but if he were to do so, I don't think I would take him up on it.

[Truegritter]

I enter this with humble humility...as an anecdote and nothing more.

I am here because I am an LBS in my 2nd M. But before the second I was an LBS in my 1st M- 10 years ago (I know there is something wrong with me that's why I'm here, I am a slow learner!)

Well xW finds out that there is trouble in my M and calls me a couple of months ago to tell me that what she did in our M was the biggest mistake she ever made in her life. She offers to call my W and tell her that.

I thought her very gracious to care about my new W so much.

We have been divorced 10 years now and she never remarried or had children.

So the there ya go Jack a sample size of 1!

[SoCo]

Also key is did the MLCer do any work and heal themselves before they want to come back. The LBS has usually worked, improved themselves, and become a better person (we hope). If the MLCer is the same or more messed up (for lack of a better word) as they were at the beginning, coming back is fruitless.

[gatsby11]

Ha ha ha, Truegritter. I will keep that story in mind. . .

I actually like this thread because it's just musings on chances, and who doesn't wonder from time to time?