W still wants separation, need to DB more

[MrBond]

Nope it's you guys who aren't understanding. I'm not talking about doing the bigger things for her that he doesn't get a response. Like I disagreed when he made her a sandiwch when asked or when she kept checking his phone without his permission.

I was referring to his simple act of just saying "goodbye" to his W. Not a big deal. It's not any more important than holding open a door for someone who walks in behind you. Little things like that you shouldn't expect to get a response from.

I don't think OIN should do his W any more favors, but if saying 'goodbye' to someone is in his nature, then he should keep doing it.

Daddylongshanks, I know you mentioned before that you never posted your own story because you were afraid of certain things in your sitch coming out. Well if you're going to interject things it would help to see where you're coming from if we knew. Take the leap and post. It's obvious you've got alot of things built up in you that come up. You should post your sitch just to purge at the very least.

[OfficerInNeed]

Today has been a pretty low day. My W has been cold. I worked last night till 6AM and had a personal training session 10AM. needless to say by the time I got home I was tired. I did end up failing to sleep and at one point my W walked in the bedroom and grabbed her pillow and walked to the other room to lay down.

Later on (about half hour ago) a friend called and asked if my W and I would like to meet up with him and his W. I had asked my W if she wanted to go, she said "No, but you can go" I was not going alone and be a 3rd wheel, so I decided not to go.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Seems like she doesn't want to go anywhere with you.

[gucci loafer]

Or maybe we don't feel we can demand something that has to be given freely.

Who said anything about demanding? Demanding doesn't work. Just as giving and giving and giving and telling yourself you expect nothing back doesn't work. Why? Because THAT is exactly what you will get back.. nothing... This is what doormats do.

People that have high self esteem don't keep on trying to win a man or woman by thinking the "unconditional" love option will work. It doesn't. It is just another way you hope will win their love. Giving is fine in a mutually loving relationship.


Two examples are Mr Bond and Officer. One has been doing all the giving for a couple of years. The other for a few months. Same result. Neither wife is giving much back. The proof is in the reality.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Or maybe we don't feel we can demand something that has to be given freely.

Who said anything about demanding? Demanding doesn't work. Just as giving and giving and giving and telling yourself you expect nothing back doesn't work. Why? Because THAT is exactly what you will get back.. nothing... This is what doormats do.

People that have high self esteem don't keep on trying to win a man or woman by thinking the "unconditional" love option will work. It doesn't. It is just another way you hope will win their love. Giving is fine in a mutually loving relationship.


Two examples are Mr Bond and Officer. One has been doing all the giving for a couple of years. The other for a few months. Same result. Neither wife is giving much back. The proof is in the reality.

When they have us in these positions, its exactly where they want us. Kinda like a UFC arm bar. They will allow us to give and use our time, while not using any of their attention on us. The non-verbal communication is huge.

[MrBond]

Hmmm actually I disagree. I've been getting quite alot back from my W TUVM. : )

gucci, I don't know where you get the impression that when people decide to stand for their M they have low self esteem. I definitely don't "need" my W and it is my choice to see what happens. Don't think that's low self esteem at all.

In fact, I think by helping my W through her depression is a sign of high self-esteem.

Again, you feel that those of us who do not subscribe to the "gucci method" are losers. Well that's a pretty narrow minded way of thinking if you ask me. In fact, you tend to attack those who disagree with you.

I tell you what. Why don't you go to the 'survivinginfidelity.com' forum which deals exclusively with OM/OW issues and see if the "gucci method" would work as good as you say it does. There's tons of people on there.

If you look at the ones that actually reconciled on there, I believe the vast majority of them worked themselves out through patience and compassion.

Oh and BTW. How is your SIL? I'm assuming you saved her M as well.

[MrBond]

OIN,

Keep up the journaling. It'll help you to figure out what to do. But be sure you GAL.

[MrBond]

Oh and OIN, don't mind if you don't feel comfortable doing some of the things that are suggested to you on here.

All we can do is offer suggestions. We don't have the personal investment in your R like you do. Only you will be living with the consequences of your actions.

Good luck.

[OfficerInNeed]

I appreciate all the input. I take bits and pieces and apply it to our sitch.

I have had a DB coaching session and I am due for another in the next week or two. It was suggested by the DB coach to "act as if" and view my W as a sister rather than my S for now. I should be kind, courteous and respectful. For example if I grab beverage from the fridge it is common courtesy to ask "would you like one?" it is then her choice to accept my kindness and generosity. If she declines, no big deal.

A quick update:
My W woke up (the dog got upstairs and jumped in bed). She called for me to remove the dog from the bed, so I did. My W is discomfort so I asked "You OK?" and she replied "No my stomach hurts bad, could you get me something to drink?" I replied "Of course."

I went and got her a drink (water BTW) and she said "thank you" and I said "Your welcome." Then she asked for a pill (what she usually takes when her stomach acts up), I got it for her and same thing "TY" "YW." I take this as a positive exchange.

[MrBond]

Sounds good to me.