I had not had many responses in Newcomers so I elected to start a new thread in Walk Away Spouse. I've been told that I should be posting here instead.
Please, please, please view what I've written in Walk Away Spouse (17 years and no explanation). That's where the latest has been written.
I feel like I'm in a sort of emergency sitch and need to know what to do now.
Extremely scared and confused. Think I must act immediately for protection.
Not sure how it works in your state, but I've heard that you can get a temporary order to make him pay the bills without filing. If your not ready to file, maybe you can ask your L about that.
If you have any fear that H might do something dangerous, then I agree you should change your locks and have someone stay with you and the kids.
Keep recording the phone calls. Those will help you tons if you end up needing to get a protective order against him.
Hugs
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Thx mb28. His mother just called. We had a very long call. She called to tell me of her call with H last night. He's told her that he's never been happier, that there is NO CHANCE WHATSOEVER of us ever R, that he isn't seeing anyone and wasn't texting on company phone over weekend, said that he planned on D me last May but hurt his hand and therefore stuck it out until now. She advised me to go ahead and handle whatever legal matters I needed and said that she agrees that the house should be sold because H can't afford it nor can he find somewhere else to live while still owning house. She told me that she will always love me and will always be there for me and doesn't want to see this happen. Said everything happens for a reason and although I am 100% dedicated to my marriage and know what it means to me, maybe this is God's way of showing my H what he hasn't yet realized. Said it doesn't mean that if D goes through that there's no chance of us ever R. Told me to move on with my life and forget about my marriage. I have an appointment at 3pm with L to file. I can't do this anymore. I deserve better and have given my M and H every ounce of my being. I just can't do it anymore. I'm done.
dedicated - I'm so sorry )-: And you are so right, divorce is not always the end. My best friend that I am living with right now remarried her H after they had been split for 4 years/2 of those years legally divorced. So I do know that happens.
You are doing the right thing by going to the L, you need to protect yourself. Hang in there and I will be praying for you.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Thx so much mb28. I feel like puking. I told his mother after she told me that she agreed with H after hearing him talk last night about me moving on and finding a new life. They think I should find someone else. I told her that he said these same things in 2002. I moved on per his advice just to have him begging me back after three months. I've had to deal with the hauntings of me dating other people while we were seperated in 2002 ever since. How in the world am I supposed to convince myself to find someone else. First, I don't want my kids meeting someone new, him not treating my kids right, my kids getting attached to someone who is not their father and leaving like their father did. Second, the last thing I want is to find someone else just to have my H tell me months down the road that he didn't mean all of this again and only did it out of anger. I don't need to have my M back only to be haunted about my dating someone while we were seperated.
I imagine I'll be alone for a long time. I've not had a man in my life since I was 15 years old. I honestly think the longest that I've ever been "single" since 15 was for a period of about 2 months.
Per L, petition will be ready for my signature by Monday. It will take about 8 weeks before the court date will occur. They will wait until as close as poss to the court date to serve him in the hopes that he won't have long to harass me. Also, it may help to give me time to keep him paying the bills that he is willing to pay.
I was told that if I petition for use of the home that I'll be responsible for paying the mortgage until the divorce is final. Guess what that means? I have no job. I have nowhere to go. My only hope is to (and I have to do it soon) try to talk to H and tell him that I'll agree to sell if he'll agree to signing papers with mortgage co to do a payment plan reducing mortgage in half for next 6 mths to one year. I also have to try to find out what he wants to fight me over (custody, etc.) so that L will know what to plan for come the hearing in about 2 months.
I HATE THIS!!!!!!!
I cannot believe that I've given half of my life to my H and he's now completely throwing me and the life we made in the trash! It's like I'm 16 years old and being thrown to the wolves yet I have two children to support as well and have to start completely over with nothing.
dedicated said: I cannot believe that I've given half of my life to my H and he's now completely throwing me and the life we made in the trash! It's like I'm 16 years old and being thrown to the wolves yet I have two children to support as well and have to start completely over with nothing.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I can see how you would feel that way. This whole situation is very sudden and shocking.
I'm glad your mother-in-law has been so honest and helpful with you.
I agree that if you date and he comes back in six months you will spend the rest of your life hearing about it. Probably you should set a year or so waiting period in your mind before you "let him go" completely. Meaning you will definitely shut the door to hope of reconciliation after that, because you KNOW this is not a man who can EVER forgive and forget your for "moving on" even though he divorced you.
It sounds like your husband is a very angry man with a mood problem. Without therapy, medication, exercise, church counseling, self help, or any of the many things people to do work on themselves, their moods, and their tempers, how can you ever rely on him again? Is he the type of man to admit he needs help and get it? If not, even if he comes back (like he did before) in a year or so, you will ultimately be staring down the same shotgun barrel again.
You can spend this year thinking about a way to get consistency and happiness in your life with or without the constant chaos of this man.
I'm sorry you had such a tough week. I'm glad you made some decisions to move towards hopefully protecting your housing. Try to stay positive for the kids. If you get sleeping problems, go to the doctor and get medicine and don't let that go on for months. A lot of newly separated women on this forum suddenly lose twenty pounds from the stress and wind up on anti-depressants for a few months due to the extreme stress.
Maybe someone at your church will be available to give you some support if you reach out to them soon.
I'm sure it's shocking to be looking for a job and dealing with all of this in a month's time.
dedicated: I know it's hard to be alone. I'm the same where I have been with a man pretty much since I was 15 too. However, now is the time for you to focus on yourself and not worry about dating. I had the feeling of dating right away and then I realized it's not what is best for me. I need to learn how to make myself happy first before I can succeed in any relationship.
Are you therapy? That has really helped me a lot.
Hang in there and I'm sending hugs your way.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
So what's up with the OW? Have you heard anything about that/her? Good for you for seeing that L.
Originally Posted By: dedicated
How in the world am I supposed to convince myself to find someone else.
Right now, don't even put "dating" on your radar. You are going through a lot of stuff right now and involving a 3rd party isn't going to help anything. So push it far away from your mind and just focus on you and the kids.
Being single is a scary thought when you've been with someone for a long time but it's not the end. I think when we're used to being in a couple we tend to think of being single as being alone, miserable and decrepit. I personally can relate to a lot of you women on here thinking the "alone" thing after being with H for awhile (really he is the only serious partner I've ever had) and it's funny because before him I absolutely loooved being single and thought people were so strange who felt like they "needed" to be in a relationship. Ha!
I'm sorry I didn't have the time to read every bit of your sitch- it's very long, so I skimmed. From your other thread where you asked me to hop over here:
Quote:
As for the question regarding where my dedication lies? You'll see via the thread in Newcomers that I'm switching where that dedication lies. I do not want any of what's going on in my life but as of today, I've accepted that this is happening and that all I can control is me. I'm dedicated to me and my kids. That's where my dedication lies now. If he should want to mend things in the future, he will definitely have lots of proving to do and will only being allowed to R with me after proving himself and meeting my stipulations. I'm done with being used as a doormat and treated like a dog. I deserve better and won't waste my time worrying over someone who no longer worries over me.
WOW! Bravo for you! There are a bunch of us out here applauding you for this attitude. It seems really scary right now to a lot of us- esp being alone when we've been with someone for so long. We need to keep reminding ourselves- as you obviously already are- that it's better for our kids to see us happy and alone (and for us too) than to put up with sh!t from H.
hang in there-
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
I personally can relate to a lot of you women on here thinking the "alone" thing after being with H for awhile (really he is the only serious partner I've ever had) and it's funny because before him I absolutely loooved being single and thought people were so strange who felt like they "needed" to be in a relationship. Ha!