tired of trying...

[beingreal]

Thank you all for your advice. I appreciate it so much.

He was so mean, the entire time he was here. I stepped into the garage once to get a soda & was met with "What do you want?".
"I'm just getting a soda."
"Well don't you get nasty with me! You're the one who threw me out so you can just can right back inside."

No response from me. Later he dragged me up to the attic to show me where stuff was. I still wouldn't engage so he says, "Oh, what, you're going to be nice now that you've thrown me out? Is that it? The time for being mean is over? I've got news for you, I don't care if you're nice to me."
"You think calling me a 'F^*(ing C^*%' was nice?"
"I never called you a ________________!"
"Okay. Whatever."
"I NEVER CALLED YOU A __________!!"

Don't know why I lost it. I'm still learning this. Down the ladder I go.

As he was leaving I said, "Call me later in the week so we can work out some weekends."

"What's there to work out? I get them a couple weekends a month. Big deal."
"Okay, well we'll talk later when you're calmer."
"I am calm. How hard is it to understand? Tell your mom to step up and watch them. I DON'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE!"
"Yes, H, I know you don't live here anymore. Everyone knows you don't live here anymore. But you are still their father and you still have a responsibility to them."
"Yeah, a couple times a month."
"Okay, listen--you don't hurt me when you say stuff like that. You aren't hurting me, H. You are hurting them. They are the only ones who are going to pay."
"Well you should have thought of that before you threw me out."
"Okay then. Thanks for coming. Goodbye."


The garage is a disaster. I can't even begin to clean it up. My father is going to bring some shelves in the next day or so. He still thinks I should reach out to my mother. It's never occurred to him that she is never the first to apologize. I finally told him that I wasn't going to call her, not because I wanted to continue yet another war--I just don't have the strength right now. I have a bigger crisis right now and I don't have the energy to waste on anyone else. It's self preservation.

I'm so tired.

Keep your suggestions coming. I promise I'm listening.