The changes I have personally been going through feel really good. I have spent my entire 20s trying to not spend so much time thinking about whatever man was in my life at the time. I'd always put them on a pedestal, and I hated that I couldn't help but do it. It seemed like I could not go on about my life unless I felt secure in a relationship.
Now, without even trying, I feel my attention going to more important things. I kind of miss the old days when I lived alone, no one to compromise with, no one's mess to clean, no distractions.
It's not that I want H gone, I just wish he wasn't here so much.
He's got his own things he's dealing with. He's in this terrible rut of depression, he doesn't want to see his friends or do anything. I try to help him when I can, but we both know there's not much I can do. He has been looking up doctors to go to (which he hasn't done in 10 years) so I just try to be encouraging.
Yesterday I told him we need to talk. Our lease is up in a month and I'm itching to make a change. I wanted to tell him I'm thinking about leaving, I want to leave now, but willing to sign a six month lease if he's willing to work on things and not just be a passenger in this R.
But before I could tell him that, he beat me to it by telling me he knows how I feel (really?) and asking me to "hang in there" a little longer while he sorts out his depression issues.
He even brought up the no-contact shower and how, in hindsight, he can imagine that it was a pretty cold thing to do, even though he didn't mean to do it on purpose. Then proceeded to not touch me for the rest of the night.
That's like "I'm sorry for what I did, please forgive me, I will continue to do it anyway"
I know he's confused about things, and so am I, but again I keep going back to feeling like mommy, between "taking care" of him and him knowing exactly the things to say to make me not get mad or leave him (manipulation?)
