Husband being hateful and cruel. Is this a stage?

[AJM]

As I read these posts.... I am amazed at what is so similar and yet different at the same time.
CK, you are still focusing on trying to understand. I know, because I find myself doing the same very often. I can tell you what has helped - the old saying, "an elephant is best eaten in pieces." What I mean by that is that you need to consciously change things about your focus. One small thing at a time. You have done some of that, but do more. Slowly, deliberately detach yourself. The venting is a good thing and you are doing that. But I think what you are seeing is that you are also driving yourself mad from time to time as you try to figure out the un-figurable (so to speak).
Your husband couldn't figure it out and you won't be able to either. Know that even as you vent and go crazily about your day. Know that it is NOT you or anything you did that caused him to be like this. I know you'll doubt me on that, and I'm not saying there wasn't some room for improvement on your part. What I'm saying is that this is his journey and you are along for the ride until it stops for you. It may not turn out like you think you want it to right now. You'll have to go the full ride to find out. But as somebody else once mentioned on this board - It's a crazy ride. Get your money's worth.
Try changing one habit at a time where it concerns him. Things you used to do, as they come up, change it.

The things you describe? Very normal. Even your reactions to them based on what I have seen in my own life and here. It's a wild wild wild ride. In my case it is ending in divorce as far as I know - not my choice, but I have to say I am relieved to not live so close to the monster any longer . I miss my wife, but not the monster.
I am sooooo tired because I didn't move far enough back from the situation and tried really hard to analyze and be perfect and do the right things. I did. I am glad I did. But being that close didn't help in hindsight. Stepping back further would have been a really good thing for my own sanity and well being. I literally have nothing left to give. No anger (not much anyway). No nothing.

I admire your efforts. I really do. You are very well organized and you have a great handle on things. Keep it up and slowly but certainly change your habits to give yourself some room on this ride. You don't know how it will turn out, but don't be so tired at the end that you cannot even breathe. You'll need that breath later.

Via con Dios, chica.