This isn't solely about placing blame on any one. It's a matter of finding out what happened before and seeing if it may have been the cause for his current sitch. If the original problem isn't taken care of, even if his W stays, there's a posibility that the problem is going to resurface.
Let's face it. Some of the D who have been "busted" end up back here because the couples either didn't nurture their renewed R or didn't take care of the original problems that caused them to be here in the first place. You see it time and time again.
Having an A is one of the most selfish things that an individual could do and there's never a reason why someone should do that. He had one for a month and kept it hidden.
It may be one of the main reasons why she's leaving or maybe not. But he should look at all alternatives to see how best to communicate with her.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Business trips took both of us out of town for the past several days, so an update is in order.
W is in a serious tailspin. She feels she is losing everything, including friends, family, relationship. If D continues, this is somewhat correct, but there is no doubt she is being very, very hard on herself, and is imagining things (loss of friends) that are not there. But she thinks what she thinks. Her future is very dark and uncertain, and she has no idea where to go from here. It is very hard to watch this without trying to help.
All the cards on the table, as they should always have been (yes, I know hindsight is 20/20). Discussion of my previous A has been good, in a strange way. I have obviously been in denial about the whole thing, and stupidly thought it was buried forever, which it obviously never was. How I could have been such a moron is a good question. However, in the days following our D discussion, we have discussed aspects of our R that we have not had a chance to since the whole thing blew up last fall. Finally we touched on sensitive topics that NEED to get out in the open.
Maybe I am being stupid and riduculously hopeful. I am trying to work on GAL and trying to give her space. Do I try to intervene in this serious depressive tailspin? I want to suggest that we take a step back and re-evaluate, take some time, relax a bit. The other choice is to step aside and let her deal with her issues. Not sure which approach is the intelligent way to go. Having a difficult time abandoning the woman I love in a time of deep emotional crisis, but maybe I am simply a sap. What to do? Thoughts would be appreciated.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
W tailspin continues. It is almost as if I am D'ing her, not visa versa. I am trying to be there when she needs me, but not actively trying to help, which I think would be useless. I am quite freaked out about this depressive tailsping and do not know what to do.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Ok, what do I do here? W is in a tailspin. She looks catatonic ,and is barely holding it together. This has been going on for a week. She bemoans losing everything - friend, family, me - says she has nothing to look forward to. She is not communicating with me very much at all, and all her friends are most concerned about her welfare. And she is the one asking for a D! Do I contact her and let her know I am here if she needs me? Or do I let her ride it out, which is very difficult to do. Please give me some feedback
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
I really feel like I am talking to myself here. I am concerned about the health and well-being of my W, who is in a major depressive tailspin. Is this common? How should it be handled? She is isolating herself from the world. What to do? I reach out to those on this site who have experience and seek advice. Please provide some insight - I would really, really appreciate a response. Thank you.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
I felt my W was and is in depression. I offered my suggestions which she refused and got angry about. So I just let it go. No one can save them but themselves.
Maybe your W needs to hit rock-bottom before getting help. She has to be the one to recognize that there is a problem and go from there.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Same here, (x)W would be appreciative of my offers of support, "think about it", then become completely bitter and hostile.
It's a darned if you do, darned if you don't scinerio. Fact of the matter is, she is proclaiming she no longer needs or wants your support by way of D. Therefor, as it took me so long to do, I finally gave (x)W just what she "wanted" in that. And now she's back.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I am trying to stay back and let her work things out in her own mind. Taking the advise of Sandi2 and others, and will be there when she needs me, but will not pursue. Today she is not so catatonic, and seems to be holding it together a bit more. She get anxious and teary just looking at me. I don't know what it all means.....perhaps she is accepting the fact that she is getting the D she asked for, perhaps she is having second thoughts. No way to tell.
I feel myself turning a corner, and I am not sure how to deal with that. Don't want to lose her, but probably already did. I need to move on and take care of myself. I need to make my way out of this nightmare. But I want to be there for her. I am conflicted.
Getting really tired of feeling shitty all the time, 24/7. Does it ever stop?
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Same here, (x)W would be appreciative of my offers of support, "think about it", then become completely bitter and hostile.
It's a darned if you do, darned if you don't scinerio. Fact of the matter is, she is proclaiming she no longer needs or wants your support by way of D. Therefor, as it took me so long to do, I finally gave (x)W just what she "wanted" in that. And now she's back.
