help with a plan

[pigskin]

I know there are advantages to both separating and not. I'm trying to use W still being here with us to my advantage. I just get lost sometimes. What to do? I have to constantly watch what I say and do. When will she wake up?

Have you done anything with regard to in-house separation? I know you said your W refused to leave, but have you at least booted her from your bedroom? The longer she "hangs around" while engaging in her behavior, the more she will develop a feeling that it's not that big a deal. Once she gets to that point, be prepared to be completely disrespected, as she'll treat you as her lapdog that she can come back to any time if the OM dumps her.

You don't want the EA to become just another problem for the family, like body damage to the car. Because believe me, if your W is not dealing with consequences, she will make note of the fact that there are none. And therefore there is no reason to change what she is doing.

Saying that you have to constantly watch what you say and do shows that she is controlling you. Don't say or do anything DESIGNED to spite her, but don't let her walk over you either. You can't be concerned with her becoming upset if you are just enforcing your boundaries.

I know you are worried about everything that lies on the periphery of the marriage relationship. I was/am the same way. But that stuff will be dealt with when the time comes. You can't let it keep you from making the hard decisions NOW. Because if you lay around waiting for your W to wake up while you allow her to engage in consequence-free destructive behavior, believe me that stuff on the periphery is guaranteed to become your next problem, because you are as good as divorced.