I am really down today. I know I have some pretty good reasons to be, but it's distressing as I've been "up" for a couple of months now...
First the computer's sound isn't working--I have been through all the checkpoints in the help section of Window's Vista and can't figure it out. Not that I even care--H and S listen to music and I love silence.
But his LL being Acts of Service, I try to help out when I can and a lot of times I can fix things on the computer. So I am bummed that I am not able to figure this out. I just broken down and called a computer guy I found in the yellow pages. Ugh. H will be pissed about the $30+ to find out something really stupid probably.
And H's cell phone died, causing him to need a new one. Only thing is, he hates to text, likes flip phones, and has to clip it on himself at work. They don't seem to have clips like they used to--now they are leather "pouches" (he calls it fag luggage) that you have to unclip and then retrieve the phone from--so annoying!!
I found a flip phone online, and it has a case like he is used to, but it is a yellow phone--which he hates. Again, I spend all MY time doing this for him, and I'm not successful.
And our TV craps out. It's 25+ years old. H didn't want me to even get an estimate, but I had to give it a shot--he won't be getting a new one (we have one in the bedroom, which is where he "holes up" these days).
I have an older horse that has suffered terribly down here with heaves. Last year he stopped sweating. I just talked to the vet, and we're going to schedule him to be put down next week. I have known for 6 months that I was doing this, so I have been spoiling him with extra feed, grooming, special time grazing in the backyard, etc.
And of course my H is a stone--no touching, talks very little to me. And recently there's been loss of eye contact. Not sure what that means.
Why do I love this guy?? He sucked me back in during counseling--telling me it would "break his heart" if I left. Crying--real tears I think....several times.
So, anyway, I did have a positive the other day--after a hellish day with us looking all over town at phones and not finding anything, he told me "go ride your horse" after I got back from a long walk and remarked how beautiful it was. I always like when he "gives me permission" to ride my horse. I don't know why I need permission....My S has picked up on this as well and tells me to "go ride" when I'm having a stressful day.
I think I really thanked him for that--I have ZERO expectations so I think it came out genuinely surprised/pleased.
Other positives, which, I know from last time are pretty big deals--he is here in the evenings, still lets me make his favorite foods, finished hanging S's curtains, plays games in the evenings with us.
I keep wondering if I have to follow some of those old DB rules, since this isn't quite the same. Should I stop saying ILY? He has stopped. Should I give hugs? He runs from me so it's hard anyway. Counselor wanted me to flirt and be touching him as much as possible--but the touching isn't easy when he acts repulsed.
