17 Years and No Explanation

[flowmom]

dedicated, I think you should be posting in Newcomers -- I believe this forum is for the WAS to post, not for the LBS (correct me if I'm wrong folks!). You'll get more response in Newcomers too.

I have to respectfully disagree with you about parents' role in this. I agree that family shouldn't enable bad behaviour, but your H is an adult and he is totally responsible for his own behaviour. I assume that my H's parents disagree with his choice to abandon me, but realistically H is not going to listen to them.

I can honestly say that I've been EXTREMELY nice to him. During the last eight years (due to the guilt of my dating while we were seperated in 2002 per H's advice), I've done very well at letting his hateful words and gestures go. I've spent a lot of time thinking about every word I say to him prior to speaking and making sure it's in the right tone of voice so that I wouldn't set him off. That part of my LRT isn't new. It's normal for me to have extreme patience with H, bite my tongue, and play nice when he doesn't.

I don't think that my H's behaviour was as bad as yours, but the last couple of years I was doing the above as well. You really have to watch this pattern, because it sounds like walking on eggshells. Now that I don't have to do that anymore (due to the separation), I realize how draining it was to deal with it. The 180s you need work on are setting boundaries, and immediately walking away whenever your H is treating you badly. The 180s are always about making the right changes for YOU.

You might get some insights about your M from this site, even if the formal diagnosis doesn't fit:
http://www.narcissismcured.com/Narcissism_Cured.html

Do you feel very confident in your L? It sounds like you need a good one and I suggest that you follow their advice.

Concentrate always on doing what's right for you and your children.