I know there is always hope. That's part of what has kept me hanging on. And the kids, of course. But hope that the woman I fell in love with and still love so much is somewhere inside this alien that I have been living with for several months. I miss my wife! I know when I was going through my depression, I wasn't always fun to be around. I wasn't my old, happy self. I have taken my part of the blame, but she doesn't see where she has done anything wrong. It doesn't matter right now. I have to be strong and fight for my marriage because she is still in fantasy land.
I will keep DBing and learning and trying to the very end. I have too much to lose. Hopefully, someday soon, she will come to the same realization. I strive to be the best person I can be.
I had been doing better with feeling like I am running out of time. It gets overwhelming sometimes just being the only one trying. She can go from hot to cold in an instant, but if I'm in a bad mood for any reason, I'm the biggest a$$ in the world. How much longer can it go on? I do get the feeling she would leave if she had anywhere to go. Where can she go with four kids and a part time job? Nowhere.
This is a great place to vent my frustrations and get set back on the right track by good people going through the same thing or those who have been there and had success. I know I'm doing this for myself, but I haven't got to the point that I KNOW I will be OK with or without my W. I want a better M than we had before. I know we can do it. I have to be patient enough to wait for her. Then whatever she decides, I will have to be OK with.
I can really relate to your thoughts on the financial realities of D when children are involved. The bottom line is that finances are a big part of why marriages and nuclear families exist. It's as much a financial/business arrangement as it is about love and commitment.
In our case, I'm the financially dependent one. H and I will take huge losses in the D. And so will our children because it will be more of a struggle to afford post-secondary education, etc.
Hang in there and keep working on you. Not separating has advantages and disadvantages. Make sure that the advantages are working in your favour.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I have the "better" job w/insurance and so forth, but with child care taken out IF we get a D, there wouldn't be enough to live on. I'm not really stretching the truth here. They would take about 42% of my net pay. That doesn't leave much left over for rent, food, etc. I'm not saying I don't want to take care of my kids. It scares me to death to not have enough for basic necessities. I know I'm not explaining it well. It's not the money, you know? It's the whole damn thing.
I know there are advantages to both separating and not. I'm trying to use W still being here with us to my advantage. I just get lost sometimes. What to do? I have to constantly watch what I say and do. When will she wake up?
I know there are advantages to both separating and not. I'm trying to use W still being here with us to my advantage. I just get lost sometimes. What to do? I have to constantly watch what I say and do. When will she wake up?
Have you done anything with regard to in-house separation? I know you said your W refused to leave, but have you at least booted her from your bedroom? The longer she "hangs around" while engaging in her behavior, the more she will develop a feeling that it's not that big a deal. Once she gets to that point, be prepared to be completely disrespected, as she'll treat you as her lapdog that she can come back to any time if the OM dumps her.
You don't want the EA to become just another problem for the family, like body damage to the car. Because believe me, if your W is not dealing with consequences, she will make note of the fact that there are none. And therefore there is no reason to change what she is doing.
Saying that you have to constantly watch what you say and do shows that she is controlling you. Don't say or do anything DESIGNED to spite her, but don't let her walk over you either. You can't be concerned with her becoming upset if you are just enforcing your boundaries.
I know you are worried about everything that lies on the periphery of the marriage relationship. I was/am the same way. But that stuff will be dealt with when the time comes. You can't let it keep you from making the hard decisions NOW. Because if you lay around waiting for your W to wake up while you allow her to engage in consequence-free destructive behavior, believe me that stuff on the periphery is guaranteed to become your next problem, because you are as good as divorced.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
You are, of course, right on. I struggle with it daily. I have set boundaries and I do call her on them. Monday night for example. She came home at 1:30am. I told her it was not acceptable. She didn't call, txt, anything. I didn't ask who she was with or anything like that. And, yeah, she flew off the handle! That is when I told her again that she needed to leave.
I am done being her door mat. Yes, I try to watch what I say or do and don't do anything to try to make her mad. If she wants to be pissy, she will find something to be pissy about.
It's all just so much B.S.!! I act "as if", I validate when she does talk, and I don't force her to talk if she doesn't want to. She changes from second to second and I am being even keeled and "happy" when she is in one of her moods.
Last night was decent. We talked and even laughed a little bit. We put the kids in bed and watched Lost. When it was over, I told her I was going in the shed to work on a trailer I am building and would be in in a little while. I got no response and just went on my way. NBD.
I know I have to have more dire consequences for her to face, but short of leaving, what would they be?
Just trying to clarify: I don't like living with someone who is so mean spirited all the time. Yes, I do watch what I say around her as in sarcasm, or things that she could take different ways. I do not talk about OM at all.
It doesn't matter, though. As I said, she will find something to be snotty about if she wants to. She will complain that I don't ask her about such and such, then, the next day or week, get pissed because I did ask. She makes things up as she goes and I do call her on it. I think everyone knows that I didn't before. It doesn't seem to matter right now. I think she knows I'm done getting crapped on and it makes her mad. Now I have to tell myself it's good that she's mad and it's good that I have finally started standing up for myself.
At the same time, it seems as if we're moving farther down the road to S if not D. I know that I will be OK if that is the case. I'm not ready to throw in the towell and I know to expect her to rain fire and brimstone on me because she isn't automatically getting her way anymore. I know all of this but it doesn't make it easier.
Pigskin, I know you are trying to steer me clear of the pitfalls that you went through. I do appreciate your concern and advice. Don't think I'm not listening. I am trying to make things fit my specific sitch. Fine tuning if you will.
I do get on here and vent and let my worries out. I am no longer the lapdog at home. It does still bother me and this is the outlet that I have so I don't have to keep it all inside. I am not the clingy man-child that I was when the bomb was first dropped. I am getting stronger every day. I know the full wieght of everything won't come off of my chest until I fully detach. I'm just not there yet. I think I am getting there and I think I am showing my W that I am farther along than I really am. Maybe she can see through it all, idk. Maybe nothing will save us. I have to be OK with that.
It's a tough road that you're walking. Glad to hear that you're feeling stronger. Keep detaching as your goal.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
When I got home from work, W was outside on phone. I went in and grabbed a bite to eat. The kids were watching TV. There was homework on the table. I called them in and asked if they were done with homework. They said mom still had to check it, but she had been on the phone for a long time. I could hear some of phone convo and it sounded like someone from work. NBD. I finished eating, cleaned my mess off of the table and grabbed the trash to walk it down the lane. S4 wanted to walk it down with me so I put his shoes on and walked out the door. W was finishing phone convo and hung up as we were walking by. I said "hi, what's going on." She said just crap at work and walked in the house.
When we got back to the house, she was going over homework with one of the boys and told the other one she would be with him as soon as she was done. Very snotty. I sat down with other son and checked his math, went over the ones he got wrong, and asked if there was anymore work to do. They had some social studies so we started on that.
While they were reading, I gave S4 a shower, and when he was done, D6 got in. When she got done, I went in to check on the boys. W was asleep in the chair at the table. I helped the boys finish and she woke up. I told her to go lay down or go to bed, I would take care of getting them finished and in bed. She snorted and got up and said they had more homework. She was very short with the kids. I again told her to go lay down, I would finish up. She acted as if she didn't hear me. I left the room.
Finally got the kids to bed, she laid on the couch and didn't tell any of them good-night. I watched TV for a while and went and took a shower. Left her on the couch. I think she came to bed @ 1:00am.
This morning, more of the same. She didn't work this morning, and was in the shower when I got up. The kids were stirring and I told them to come and eat. As we were eating, she walked in and said, "If you could have waited five more minutes, I was going to make eggs and biscuits." She stormed out of the room and back in the bathroom. A few minuted later, she came out and asked the kids if they wanted some eggs. She slammed pots and pans around and started making some eggs.
She then started yelling at the boys about homework and not getting it done and not bringing stuff home. Of course, she says nothing about having practice every night and not getting started on homework until 7:00 at night. She tells the boys that they are nine and she shouldn't have to remind them to bring their school work home. She's right, they are nine, but they are not nineteen. On and on she went. Then, all the kids were not wearing the right clothes and she had them all change. I went around and told all of the kids good-bye and left for work about 45 min early. She didn't say anything to me and I didn't to her. I wasn't pissy, just carried on all morning like normal.
Let her be pissy. I help with the kids and three out of five days I get them ready on my own. Those days are always peaceful. No arguing or bitching, we get ready and go. The days she is home are usually stressfull. Why? I guess she hates being there with me. She takes it out on the kids too and I really hate that.
It's not been fun here for a while. I guess she is making detaching easier. I really didn't care this morning. I made sure and helped with the kids and gave them attention. I only left early after I was sure they were all ready for school. She can be however she want to be, I don't have to get sucked in to the trap. I haven't seen my "real" wife in so long, I wonder if she is still in there somewhere. I would not miss the woman that was in my kitchen this morning at all. She can leave anytime she wants.
I want to save my marriage. I'm done being a victim. Done playing her games. Done getting walked on.
"I want to save my marriage. I'm done being a victim. Done playing her games. Done getting walked on."
Boy, can I identify with those sentiments (although I am wondering more and more about the first one). My heart goes out to you buddy. I tell myself almost everyday that I am lucky my marriage went South so early on and there are no kids involved.
I obviously have far less experience than you in these things, but I do know that detaching can feel very liberating sometimes.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
None of us here, yourself included, are lucky. You don't have kids so it's easier in that way, you're right.
When you got married, you probably never thought you would get D, let alone so quickly. It sucks for all involved. I'm sure to varying degrees, but still sucks. I hope you are taking care of yourself.
I am sorry that you are here. This is the place to be for advice and just getting things off of your chest.
