If I were you I would want to know if there's an affair. It lets you know exactly what you're dealing with and let's you know how much you have to protect yourself right now. Will H find out about the company phone records? If his family did this, would they keep their mouths shut or would they implicate you?
If I agreed to anything at this point, it would be cancelling the life insurance as a non-necessity. Health insurance is too important. It depends if this is a real financial crisis or one he is making up.
I will try to send someone over to your thread who might have better advice about your legal situation.
Thx so much, rr22. I'm feeling like I must act immediately and file with L to protect myself and my kids. I could handle it when it was him making threats about money and just being downright hateful to me. Now that he's threatening to take house and kids and trying to claim that I'm not thinking clearly and therefore unable to take care of my kids, I'm really scared. I wouldn't put it past him to sneak into house while we're gone, change locks (he's done this before), and refuse to let me in. He'd say kids could come in and then he'd lock me out taking custody of home and kids.
I've trusted in his fam 100% as they've been on my side and given me info and spending money while swearing me to secrecy. H does not know his fam has been talking to me. I don't think that they would tell him of giving me phone records if they did. When he changed password and account info on our personal cell account, his mother was ticked and insisted I change everything back and passcode protect the account. I think I can trust his fam.
Feel like I should bring recording of phone call from yesterday, all debt/asset info, log of daily happenings since he left, etc. to L. I feel like I need to file to protect myself IMMEDIATELY however Sat is S11's bday and I don't want the anniv of his parents' divorce to be near his bday.
I'm so confused, scared, and don't know what to do. Again, his fam says it's just threats to try to provoke me and force me to hate him so that he won't feel guilty about assumed affair.
My brother has told me that he'll babysit my house if I've gotta leave to go to L. I'm so scared. My H is a delusional maniac right now. Even his mother said that she's even more scared to talk to him because she doesn't know if he'd do something stupid like try to hurt himself, me, or someone else.
If he's really dangerous, maybe YOU should change the locks for now or have someone come to stay with you. The fact that his mother said that is a little scary.
If he's going to get even more angry if you choose to file first, maybe you should have some male family come stay with you for a week or so if you decide to make that choice. Is there a counselor at your church for people having problems that you can see for free since money is tight? Sounds like a lot of stress to go through alone.
dedicated, I think you should be posting in Newcomers -- I believe this forum is for the WAS to post, not for the LBS (correct me if I'm wrong folks!). You'll get more response in Newcomers too.
I have to respectfully disagree with you about parents' role in this. I agree that family shouldn't enable bad behaviour, but your H is an adult and he is totally responsible for his own behaviour. I assume that my H's parents disagree with his choice to abandon me, but realistically H is not going to listen to them.
Originally Posted By: dedicated
I can honestly say that I've been EXTREMELY nice to him. During the last eight years (due to the guilt of my dating while we were seperated in 2002 per H's advice), I've done very well at letting his hateful words and gestures go. I've spent a lot of time thinking about every word I say to him prior to speaking and making sure it's in the right tone of voice so that I wouldn't set him off. That part of my LRT isn't new. It's normal for me to have extreme patience with H, bite my tongue, and play nice when he doesn't.
I don't think that my H's behaviour was as bad as yours, but the last couple of years I was doing the above as well. You really have to watch this pattern, because it sounds like walking on eggshells. Now that I don't have to do that anymore (due to the separation), I realize how draining it was to deal with it. The 180s you need work on are setting boundaries, and immediately walking away whenever your H is treating you badly. The 180s are always about making the right changes for YOU.
Do you feel very confident in your L? It sounds like you need a good one and I suggest that you follow their advice.
Concentrate always on doing what's right for you and your children.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Noticed that his mother talked to him for nearly an hour between 2 calls last night (one prior to S11's game and one after). Maybe she convinced him to deposit money. Have no clue what talk is about. Leary about calling her to ask. She knows that I'll see it on phone records though. Should I call and ask her? Should I ask about phone records on company phone?
I've been meaning to call priest and see if he'll meet with me. Just haven't had spare time between M drama, trying to find a job, kids, etc.
I'll put a post on my thread in Newcomer's for people to please view what I've posted here. I had posted there originally but had very few responses.
As for L, from what many people (friends, family, associates, other L's, and judges) have said, she's the best of the best. She's extremely understanding and delicate with her clients but a major "bulldog" in the courtroom. I think I've got a good one. I've only had one consultation with her and one follow up call to ask one question though. I've gotta call her and schedule atleast another follow up if not to actually file.
Don't put his mother in an awkward position. If she got the money for you and wants you to know she did, she'll tell you. That was very kind of her. You want to stay on her good side by not pressuring her. Maybe wait to see if she brings up phone records again on her own?
Talking to the priest might be a good idea at least just to have someone outside of the family to vent to.
Other than financial security for the children, maybe you want to think for awhile about whether you are capable of loving this man anymore if he keeps acting this way for so many years.
