Wife in MLC, filed in early March

[christianhusband]

I am going to be retaining an attorney. Looking over the papers last night was depressing--seeing my marriage reduced down to a black and white contractual agreement ... our kids reduced to a distribution of assets.

I the papers she's asked for full custody of the children. She does not have an attorney. She likely downloaded the papers from Legal Zoom and followed the steps to avoid the cost. She asked that I not get attorneys involved ... all I need to to is just counter to her proposal ... attorneys will make this unnecessarily expensive.

I don't trust who this person has become. I hope some day I can again. But right now, I can't trust her.

It's hard to separate the legal from the emotional.

[courageous wife]

Do what is best for YOU and your children! Money well spent if it is in your best interest! You are right in not trusting her right now. I know exactly how you feel seeing spouse vs spouse on those papers...hang in there! I told my L I wanted this to take as long as possible and then after the papers are signed it is another 6mos before anyone can get remarried! A lot can happen in that time! Handle yourself with dignity!

[christianhusband]

I am going to be retaining an attorney. Looking over the papers last night was depressing--seeing my marriage reduced down to a black and white contractual agreement ... our kids reduced to a distribution of assets.

I the papers she's asked for full custody of the children. She does not have an attorney. She likely downloaded the papers from Legal Zoom and followed the steps to avoid the cost. She asked that I not get attorneys involved ... all I need to to is just counter to her proposal ... attorneys will make this unnecessarily expensive.

I don't trust who this person has become. I hope some day I can again. But right now, I can't trust her.

It's hard to separate the legal from the emotional.

[Mila]

CHH - that must have been really difficult to read through those D papers...really sad.

I hope that you'll stay on your path and let her see your changes. Let time be your friend. Nothing is written in stone...keep positive.

As for not trusting her? Who would right now... I too hope that one day you will be able to trust her again.

[christianhusband]

Tough to retain dignity when you're an emotional wreck. Consulted attorney and she said we could move a 60 day delay and a for a petition for reconciliation. Anything to keep time on my side and the opportunity to preserve the family.

[MrBond]

IMO, I don't think that's going to change anything. You avoided trying to get served, which made her pi$$ed and I think she's going to feel the same about this.

I know you don't want to get D and are trying to stall, but maybe in this case you should just get it over with and then try to reconcile after.

Maybe you need to do a 180 and tell her you now want the D because of the type of person she is now and then stop communication with her. Throw her for a loop.

[courageous wife]

I have wondered that myself Mr Bond about just going ahead and moving forward with the D...get it over and move on...everyone is different! She wants it to be easy, my H wants it to be easy...if you agree to what you wife has proposed, then it can be easy...

Sometimes this all feels like a crap shoot! Read all the advice you get...wait until you are not so emotional...again, what is best for you and your family!

You've got time...no decisions need to be made now!

[christianhusband]

That almost sounds like "going dark", which was recommended I not do in this thread. It sounds like playing games.

Of course I don't like the person she's become ... but I'm convinced it's something she's going through. Isn't that what "standing" in an MLC is about? Detaching and loving from a distance?

[HeartsBlessing]

CH,

All I seem to be reading is all about your wife; not much at all is said about YOU.

You're getting great advice from some very experienced people, but your fear is getting in the way.

God Himself teaches us to take care of ourselves against people who would hurt us, EVEN our MLC spouses....and His advice always seems to go against everything we've been taught in our lives.
And in many ways it DOES...bringing us back to the basic teachings in the Bible about being good stewards of ourselves.

The first lesson you'll need to learn is that you can control NOTHING but YOU, not your wife, not anyone else.

The second lesson you'll need to learn is that letting go is actually GOOD for you..and allows the person you let go to experience their own consequences.

Detachment is for your mental health, it is NOT to distance yourself so far from your wife that love is lost...you CAN love from a distance to retain your sanity.

Remember GOD is in control here and everything happens for a reason.

The journey to wholeness must be taken for ourselves, not others.
The growing we must do in the exploration of ourselves is for our maturity, and growing...we ALL have areas of our lives that need improvement, but the change you experience in that growing is for YOU, not her.

Let your wife go get what she thinks she so desperately wants..she will find after she gets it she might not want it...but that's a chance you'll have to take, as again, you cannot control anyone but YOU..your reactions, your actions.

Love is also a "letting go". God is not always pleased with what we do, but He will let us go to learn that what we think is good for us, is actually BAD for us.
If the relationship is meant to stay together, He will allow things to happens to make it so, if it is within His Will.
It is His Will that's done, not ours.

Unfortunately, the actions of people sometimes will force our hand, and cause us to have to stand up and fight for our rights.
It is akin to the innocent suffering because of the guilty, and we are made to fight for what is rightfully ours.

People sometimes have to be allowed to fall down and bump their heads hard before they realize they have made a serious mistake.

Because we love them, we will sometimes try and protect them from their mistakes..and that is NOT a good thing.

Really though, because we love, we need to let go, even though we KNOW they are headed in the wrong direction...and detachment is so that we don't go off the deep end ourselves while watching them literally destroy their lives.

She will find that getting a divorce is not the cakewalk she thought it would be, given time...and because a divorce is gotten, doesn't mean it's the end of your life.

When she entered her crisis, it ended your marriage and life as you knew it.

God hates divorce, true, but it's like the Bible says, if one is bound to leave, let them go, as He has called us to peace.

I had to let my husband go in word and action several times while he was going through his MLC...and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. If I'd fought him, he'd have left permanently. As it was, he didn't leave; it was because HE would have had room to blame ME and I refused to fight him about it...just let him go if that was what he wanted to do.
I didn't want him to go, but I couldn't allow him to see that, as it would have further fed his justification for what he was doing.

The point is, the cage door must be opened, and the spouse that wishes to leave must be freed to do whatever they want to do. It is not doormat behavior, it is recognizing that control over others is NOT allowed.

Neither of you were ever there within the marriage because you HAD to be..both of you wanted to be there, and if one chooses to leave, the other needs to let go..and that is really hard, but necessary to do.

By you running from the divorce papers until forced to take them, you angered her further and fed her justification for what she was doing; you were trying to control what she did...and ultimately, for now, it's made the situation worse.

You're going to have to do the opposite of what you'd normally do and hope that it will turn the situation around...but understand there are NO guarantees within this....only prayer, focusing on you, taking your journey, leaving this in the Hands of the Lord are the only things you can do now; besides making sure your rights are protected..and that involves your use of an attorney.

I feel for you....I didn't have to deal with divorce, but it sure came close to going there.

Get your focus off her and onto YOU...if you don't take care of yourself, no one else will. You are right not to trust her with anything right now. She is off on a path that you did not create, and in turn placed you upon a path that was not of your own making either, but you'll need to deal with the hand you've been dealt.

Take care.

[MrBond]

CH,

It's not about playing games. Have you read DB? First rule is to not bring up any R talks because it pushes the WAS further away. Well, look what you've been doing. You haven't gone dark or whatever and everytime you meet up with her, it becomes about the R. Now the last time I checked, she got so fed up with you ignoring her request that she blindsided you.

So obviously not giving her what she wants or at least partially, isn't working. If you want to save your M, you need to do something different.

Or better yet, put yourself in her shoes. If you didn't like someone and they kept bugging you or wouldn't give you what you wanted, how would you feel? Would you be all happy or would you get irritated? I'm guessing it's the latter.

You can tell her that you agree that what was in the old M didn't work and that's it. You don't need to go into details. What you were doing by avoiding being served, etc....that was playing games.

If you want to save your M, you need to come up with a strategy that will work.