Into my arms... #70

[june72]

See, I don't know how you guys do it (Abby, Kalni, Addie),
There was no A for me. I don't know how you do the OW thoughts that must pop up into your head. I think it would be so much harder, ten million times harder.

I didn't add to my sitch in newcomers (well, I did in Onthemountaintop's thread), but for years my hubby for me very unattractive and disgustingly fat. During the seperation- the stress of seperation, plus trying to work from home with a really, sick kid, severe lack of sleep- I gained another 25 lbs, totaling 50 lbs overweight. I never felt bad about being 25 lbs over weight b/c I gained it d/t thyroid issues- so it wan't my fault. But this last 25 lbs.- well, totally my fault. My weight for years had upset him. I was in the 120's when I met him and he got extremely upset when I hit the 130's. I was fine with 130's, it wasn't overweight. He felt I had let myself go then. He really was prickish about it.

If all those years he found me so unattractive. Plus our sex life was very unfullfilling fro me. Very one sided for him. (B/c he found me disgusting he stated in MC)


Why now, why does he state he finds me attractive now. I can not believe him. I try and just put it out of my mind. He works hard now to say nice things about my appearance all the time. He works hard to make sex enjoyable always.

I keep asking him- how can you now find me attractive when I am so obviously overweight? How? He swears he has a different perspective. When I was DBing, I didn't worry so about my appearance and weight b/c I had a really confident attitude. It was easy for me to detach and doing so I didn't look at myself with his stands but mine. I was not happy about all the weight but content with me. F him! I was going to live my life honorably, quit the bi*chiness, and work for the marriage but if he choose not to I was going to be fine damnit (ok, I had a million backslides but...) But with Piecing you have to lose that detachment, which makes things more painful.


See my sitch is different from most on the board. I was almost a WAS b/c I felt my hubby was very verbally and emotionally abusive. I was planning a D someday when I could handle the kids and had enough money. I was very walk awayish. He was the LBS- losing weight, secretly crying, finally agreeing to MC when he found out I was really not sure if I could continue the marriage with him. So for me it was easy to detach. But after many months of MC and his changes I was committed to him. I had hope again. I thought my old hubby was back, the person who really cared for me. So he really stunned the heck out of me when HE decided he was done. He was just so sick of my continuing to have issues with him. He felt like I would never forgive him and the fights would never end. So his bomb really, really shocked the heck out of me.


I guess what I am saying is that I just am very, very worried that he will become his old pr*ckish self again one day. That he will consider me a "dumb@ss" and "retard" and other choice words he use to sprew at me for years. I mean, I know I will be fine. I'll just drop his butt and not look back this time and honestly be happy with life.


But you know they are capable of doing it, b/c they did it in the past. You know it's in them- to possibly justify it again.

You just look at them as "less than". And do you want less than...?

Again, does that make sense?

It's almost like you know you are accepting a screwed up person here. That maybe they will put forth the work, but in a way- they will never be good enough again for you. Sometimes you think that, other times you are really happy with things.

Almost like you think you are accepting less....
again is that making any sense at all.

ALmost like you are always "waiting for the other shoe to drop". It's peacefull now, almost blissfull, but your waiting and a bit on edge. When, when is dissapointment going to rear it's ugly head?

Is there going to be a time that I realize I have made a huge mistake working towards marriage recovery? Should I just accept my losses and pack up and leave? Really is he truly worth it? Don't I deserve a person I can really trust and lean on? Can they really, truly ever be that person?