I had to realy think about that question if he wanted to be involved. if i went by what he said and not judged his actions i would have to say no he did not want to be involved in anything.
when i would bring up the birth-he is a put it off to last minute kind of person, he would just say he hasn't thought about it at all. this is all during seperation: i would ask again, so how do you see the birth going? He would answer, of course i should be there, y not? I would ask, how do you expect to be there for the birth when you turned your back and left us when i was 4 mnths pregnant? nothing but silence would ensue. he would express that it was his only son and he should be there of course.
even today he claims that he loves his children-i don't doubt that he has love for them, but not enough or the way a parent is supposed to put themself last and the kids are all priorities. In his actions there is no love shown.
i can only hope that he does. I even did the, i thought that after the baby was born, meaning our first child he would have grown up and relalized his priorities and what having children all is and the sacrifices, but i do not see it.
my eldest thread is here we go again, and latest, probably a ways back is part 2 here we go again.
This friend thing, some of the long timers say there is a 3 phase plan in reconciling. 1st being friends 2nd 3rd reconnecting I probably have them wrong but the point they make is to be friends with the WAS. I was not able to do this. Be all friendly like. There are other posters that don't agree with that either. I felt like "being friends" would just be like, yep it's over no reconciliation whatsoever, that the spouse who wanted to be friends would just use that to prove to themself they made the right choice to not be married.
i'm debating something at that moment, since our last text/convo i said i didn't think it a good idea to have any visitations until we get some rules and boundaries set up and asked him to let me know when he wanted to go over them. that's been since friday.
my debate is should i send a text prompting to discuss these things?(money, visitation, daycare, car seats etc.) Or wait a few more days?
For you i think that you can make soft plans of what your doing with naming, don't take any pressure from him about naming, you can ultimately decide with what you feel is best.
Oh i just had a thought: you could say something like this only if he brings it up and you are talking to him: I'm glad you are wanting to be an active role in your child's life with the naming and raising etc. I will support you all the way in making sure you and child have a bond. In order to protect myself and the health of the baby using a 3rd person would be best for further conversations and decisions.
it's kind of like he can participate to what extent you are comfortable and to distance yourself more from him excluding the friends issue.
Don't just take my advice i could be totally wrong. Just an idea.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
I do recall reading some posts and DR or DB and saying that being friends could work... but i can totally see where it can just give h everything he wants... bachelorhood, a caring xwife and a baby... like a family to walk in and out of at his convenience. I am afraid that H is a bit too selfish for me to handle the friend thing... I have to do some research.
I dont think there is anything wrong with you following up with your H to discuss important matters... send a friendly text just following up on the text you sent several days ago and if he had a chance to think about it etc.
i am making soft plans.. like that term... i guess I will just take things one day at a time, until I am comfortable with my decisions or am forced to make one... who knows...
Hi Gatsby, thanks for dropping by. H and I had the same discussion of friends vs no friends... when i say its hard and i cant just turn off my feelings, he says he understands and if i need time and space he gets it? I asked him if he ever misses us... he said sometimes. i didnt get excited over it at all... we all miss people sometimes, doesnt mean you want them back...
but he basically sounds like he gets annoyed if i dont agree to the friendship thing... i dont get it. I was poking around on a few threads and some say the friend thing can be a step towards reconciliation... just not sure if my H is just being selfish and wants a friend and nothing more. it is a huge risk... what if i agree to the friend thing (although i dont believe i am strong enough for it right now) and that is truly all he wants from us.
today i am really tired of DBing. i sometimes think i dont have the stregnth to go through this and am focusing too much on H and not enough on me and baby. that makes me really angry.
what if i am never strong enough to forgive him, or accept him in my life? what if i cant even get past the anger or hurt or feelings of betrayel?
glad to hear you are not so angry... great thing about this site, it does always help me and pick me up.
not sure if i mentioned this in an earlier post, H said "I care for you. I would do anything for you" "I do want you in my life"
blah blah blah...
i sometimes think maybe he wants to do the friend thing bc H was always the good guy. always was honest and nice and sincere... til he dumped me. but what if this is just a tactict? i am not strong enough to go through it...
I feel so bad for you and what you are going through.
It would seem that you have a lot of stress on you at the moment, but you are handling the sitch the best you can. You do not have to make a decision at this very moment. Take your time and let your mind, heart, and your instincts guide you to the best decision for you.
This could or could not be a tactic. You are unsure as you should be. If this is not a tactic then he will be understanding of you needing time to absorb what he has said.
All I can say is take your time and do what is best for you and the little one on the way. Time does help with making decisions.
One more thing, don't do the friend thing if you don't want to. My wife told me we could be good friends, and I told her that is not a enough for me ever. Maybe, I will be okay with that someday. Only time will tell.
Take care of the two of you.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
I am signing the D papers. I don't have any more energy to DB or any fight in me to keep believing.
nothing has changed, except fo rmaybe th eanger in me. Why be friends but not my husband? Why want to move in to help when baby is born but not when i was Pregnant and needed you? Why want to participate in baby naming, birthing classes, and furniture shopping, but not want to be a family? If you want to just be a dad... get a dog already! or go find someone else to have a baby with! Im tired of someone toying with my emotions. Im tired of the whole game. He left almost 4 months ago... didnt just leave me... but left me pregnant. I feel in my heart right now that there is NO getting back from that. Too much has past . Too much damage has been done.
If I sign, then maybe I will really understand that it is over and there is no turning back, no wishful thinking, no hoping he is going through MLC or something else. Just maybe this is what I need for closure... maybe its time I just end what he started and move on...
im getting off of this site... i do think it is a great support and you have all helped me so very much. your words of wisdom and encouragement have helped me get through some of the toughest moments. but its time i stop DBing and start becoming a parent.
Good Luck, i do believe true love conquers all... just dont believe what H had for me was true love.
BD, I am back. DBing is not about saving the marriage - it's about helping YOU. The best advice for our sitch's is about letting go...and I do think there are things on this site that can help with that.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
I'm not as angry anymore as I was; time really helps a lot. . .