It's really weird all the conflicting things that happen. After being so angry today, ugh.
I picked up the kids today. Just kept it businesslike. She made a point of telling me I'm a good dad.
And - just got off the phone with her, talking for over an hour. And it's that whole "I don't know what to do with you" thing. Yeah, that, this situation sucks but let's just talk to each other for a little while...
She wanted me to say she's a good mom. And I said, I tell everybody that's the case. We observed that we're both trying to do what's best for the boys with this settlement.
We talked about the early days... and something that really came into focus for me was, things changed when the boys were born. I asked her, is that when this whole thing started, and she said yeah. There's a lot of story here I'm not going to put down -
We had a great relationship. It was really good. It seems like such a waste that we couldn't keep it together. You know, I feel OK now, and I'm not saying this out of dispair or regret - but - what a WASTE. I do wish I could have been a better man - wiser, stronger, more supportive, more in touch, whatever it was, whatever my part was. Squandered.
People talk about the things you learn, that you take to the next relationship. That's a good thing I guess. I am a better man now.
It's funny, you think about what you want - if you could fix it - and would you do it - and I want that girl I married, not trying to fix the wreckage we have now. I've asked her before - ARE YOU STILL IN THERE? WHERE ARE YOU? I asked her tonight, what happened to that girl?
We had a joke early on that we were on the 9-month plan. Met, 9 months later engaged, 9 months later married, 9 months later pregnant with twins, 9 months later babies. I love my boys and wouldn't change anything about that. But I do wish we would have had longer before them. Because yeah, things changed. We had sick preemies to take care of; W fell into depression; yeah, I had a demanding job, etc.
I'm really rambling now. It's easy to be angry, all that. But right now I'm feeling like, this has been so unneccessary, so avoidable. I wish for my part I would have been better at it.
Crap, I need to go to bed.
I miss that girl, who used to be so happy. Somehow we let each other down, let that spark fizzle out, and it became something different. I'm so sorry for that.
