Also want to say that I downloaded a short and cheap audiobook from Byron Katie to listen to during a walk, and something really clicked in me as I listened to the words. Just wanted to recommend them when you want to put something positive in your brain when your brain is stuck on stressful thoughts
But I recommend anything by her. There are lots of clips of her doing The Work on YouTube and on her site. I found listening to her even more moving that reading her books.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I kind of disagree here. With the moving out thing. Especially when there are kids which means that you DO get the chance to interact and as a result "shine" anyway.
June's H as she shared had no affair. Men RARELY leave when there is no other woman. They are more into "replacement". In my case, I was replaced and he couldnt deceive me any longer cause I was going nuts and starting to make it hard for him. The guilt and double life (lies, arrangements,pressure from her), made him so angry all the time, so difficult to live with, there was NO way for me to calm down and get my self control back, if he had stayed. We would have ended up killing each other. Plus he missed US. The home, the family, me. For a year he had it all, playing the dad and screwing around with his GF, moving out made the price he had to pay obvious, a price he had not given much thought of. Each story, is different. K
Kalni, somehow I missed this post . Thanks for sharing your perspective on this. It's true that H separating from me has been a gift to me in some ways -- I haven't had to deal with his anger as much, I have much more time and space, and I do have the opportunity to babystep towards detachment. I struggle to believe that he misses anything about being married to me or living here, but since I can't mind-read and we have not had a R talk in over 3 months, I really don't know.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Flowmom: First,congrats on your success on the work front. Such things are very important.
You mention new AD have allowed you to relax a bit and feel a bit better. My W has been on one common AD for over a year, and I have been told that it might be time to try something new, as her depressive episodes are worse than ever. Do you have any thoughts on this notion?
Keep hanging in there.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
My W has been on one common AD for over a year, and I have been told that it might be time to try something new, as her depressive episodes are worse than ever. Do you have any thoughts on this notion?
The psychologist that I saw said that you really have to keep trying the different ones and adjust the doses until one finds the right one. I don't think the first one that I tried helped, and possibly made things worse (suicidal thought). Your W should be working with her doctor to keep changing it up until things improve.
I'm sorry to hear that you are both going through this. My H was depressed for the past 5 years of our M, and I was depressed a long time ago. It takes a huge toll on the R. Read the book Depression Fallout if you can.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Thanks, FM. I will try to pass on this information, if I ever get a chance to talk to my W again.
This dark period has got to end at some point, no?
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Flowmom: You mention new AD have allowed you to relax a bit and feel a bit better. My W has been on one common AD for over a year, and I have been told that it might be time to try something new, as her depressive episodes are worse than ever. Do you have any thoughts on this notion?
Any chance- see my post to FM, maybe last week? on ADs. A year is way too long to let it go without an AD working. They should start making a diff in 6-8 weeks if they're the right one at the right dosage. I am not a doc but have years of experience with this, being on ADs. Her Doc should've already talked to her about alternatives months and months ago. And suggested therapy and other alternatives if it seems meds aren't working (they do actually do ECT now and it's not the barbaric thing it used to be, and it can have an effect on major, non-responsive depression). Anyway, if you're able to communicate with her, it's past time she and her dr. thought of other options.
FM- glad to hear the meds might be kicking in. I think mine are helping too (upped my dosage when this crap all started). It can really help put you on a more level playing field in terms of thinking things through clearly, etc. I'm so proud of you for getting out in the field yesterday even though you had doubts, etc. Client probably didn't notice anything lacking and you likely did great in his eyes. (((FM)))
-Alice
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
So this morning sucked. I took the kids to a play, which I was looking forward to. Who ends up sitting 5 feet away from me? "V", the homeschooling mom who H seems to be secretly friendly with. More red flags. I smiled at her and said "hi". She seemed to be avoiding saying "hi" and talking to me. I haven't seen her since her separation (Nov 09) but we've had very friendly chats in the past and she also sent me a very friendly email after my separation. It really seemed like she was avoiding me. It didn't help that I feel really insecure around this particular group of moms, which is wierd because I totally click with other groups of homeschoolers.
So I went through this whole loop: this sucks if he has an OW who is part of my community. Thoughts of how I could confront him. Then getting stuck on: what would I do if I knew that he was sleeping with her or another OW? Not really sure. I'd really rather know without H knowing that I know.
I know that most people on this forum could consider it an A if a married person starts a R while separated. I'm not sure that it's so clearcut to me. In every way H is acting as if he is divorced already. He is not sending mixed messages to me. The only grey area is the whole "trial" separation thing. It would be an emotional punch in the gut to find out about an OW, but I don't find it surprising that H would want to date/sleep around given that he doesn't want to be married to me any more.
So I think I should do nothing and stop thinking about this. Wish me luck. sigh.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
. Thanks for sharing your perspective on this. It's true that H separating from me has been a gift to me in some ways -- I haven't had to deal with his anger as much, I have much more time and space, and I do have the opportunity to babystep towards detachment. I struggle to believe that he misses anything about being married to me or living here, but since I can't mind-read and we have not had a R talk in over 3 months, I really don't know.