Depressed H wants to walk

[Forrest Gump]

"I sure won't write down what I did say the night I heard ILYBNILWY! DB textbook of what NOT to do and I vomited all night long and the following day."

Why not? I am not sure at all that I care if it was "against the rules".

"Funny thing is that if he had said that to me then, I would've taken it! It would have been enough for him to just agree to stay. Now, 2 months later, I see that he and I (and our boys) deserve much more than a contrived coexistence. I really was reeling (even with my faking it smile)."

But the "hint's" of your underlying "Emotion" are what is keeping me posting here. Of course you would "settle" I expect that.

"There's some much more that I could say today if I were granted a do over."

This I believe.. a tiny bit. The issue I have with it is that you would just be restating what you heard works. Based on what I have read so far.. it is not a real change in you. I know without a doubt that you are in "Life Saving" mode.

"Here's where my fantasy "do over" breaks down. It keeps ending in my mind with me begging him to really, really TRY."

This is why I said that. Right now you are still trying to control the situation. In a passive way. Or.. you might say you just want to "win". What if.. in his mind.. he is begging you to really, REALLY try?

"People" don't wake up one morning with the thought that they are gonna walk away. It is a process.

The "People" that do "wake up" one morning and say "I am out".. have been thru the process and make it happen. We call them LBS (Left Behind Spouse).

I will give you some credit in that he is responding to some of your efforts. But.. you are smart.. and I expected that. The thing is that what you 2 are doing right now.. in my opinion.. won't last. I suspect.. you know that too.

I need something more from you. I suspect.. he does to.

[flowmom]

I honestly think he walks around trying to find things to validate his idea that we won't work out. I don't know why.

Typical male depression is very different than typical female depression. Male depression tends to be focused externally, which often is code for blaming the wife or close loved ones. Please read more about male depression.

Communication has always been our problem. H doesn't share much, I share just about every thought. For the first time in our R we are both working to improve ourselves to be more of what the other needs in this area, to meet in the middle.

Definitely read the book that I recommended to you then. It's about gender differences in communication in M. I think that my idea of how H should be able to communicate was not realistic even though I thought I was asking for "meeting in the middle". Even worse, I didn't realize how damaging some of my own communication was. I honestly believe that if I had read DR and that book before we separated, there might have been a hope of preventing the separation. It wouldn't have been a magic bullet, but I could have practiced a lot more harm reduction while bringing more positive stuff into our lives.

[Forrest Gump]

"Typical male depression is very different than typical female depression. Male depression tends to be focused externally, which often is code for blaming the wife or close loved ones. Please read more about male depression."

Sorry.. Flowmom... we seem to be running into each other. I don't wan't to be offensive in any way.. but..

He's coping with (what his Ic has helped him define) guilt (over putting me through all of this) and depression (lack of interest in much of anything). I am seeing the results in that he is coming home earlier/working from home more, before he would avoid coming home as long as possible. He is calling me more. He is less irritable in general. He is able to focus more on his work when he is working. He has also learned to look at his situations from a different angle. Thinking about what advice he would give someone in his shoes.

This does not seem to be a "external" (typical male) depression. To me.. and my crazy thoughts.. this guy just really does not have a "great" counselor. This C is a IC. He/She (IC) is focusing on his issues. The results as defined by ReelingW have me a bit concerned.

Your comments as far as communication are.. spot on!!

[flowmom]

Sorry.. Flowmom... we seem to be running into each other. I don't wan't to be offensive in any way.. but..

He's coping with (what his Ic has helped him define) guilt (over putting me through all of this) and depression (lack of interest in much of anything). I am seeing the results in that he is coming home earlier/working from home more, before he would avoid coming home as long as possible. He is calling me more. He is less irritable in general. He is able to focus more on his work when he is working. He has also learned to look at his situations from a different angle. Thinking about what advice he would give someone in his shoes.

This does not seem to be a "external" (typical male) depression. To me.. and my crazy thoughts.. this guy just really does not have a "great" counselor. This C is a IC. He/She (IC) is focusing on his issues. The results as defined by ReelingW have me a bit concerned.

I see your point FG...I don't think that I read carefully enough. Reeling -- FG is the vet here, you're lucky to have one posting to you

[Forrest Gump]

"I see your point FG...I don't think that I read carefully enough. Reeling -- FG is the vet here, you're lucky to have one posting to you"

See.. now I disagree with you some. I will always be a Newcomer. She is not lucky.. she should be concerned. I know "drama". There is lots of "that" here.

[ReelingW/aSmile]

I think that the shock has begun to wear off and I am trying to figure out what to think, say and do. Most of what spewed from me initially was around the fact that this major change was going on inside my H and he did not tell me anything. I felt helpless, betrayed and confused. I felt like a victim. Then I found DR and it has given me some tools to not feel so victimized. More than anything I felt, still feel, guilty that I did not pick up on anything being wrong.....Next, I get angry that "I" feel guilty when H is the one who is threatening to take out our family. So, there is no one emotion, I am all over the place.

I have been paying very close attention to what I have heard works. H has validated some of it, he told me from the beginning of this mess that when I told him ILY that all it did was make him feel horrible for not feeling the same way. If nothing else, DBing has helped me give him some emotional space while allowing me to be supportive of him.

I have ordered the "without saying a word" book. Hope it will come soon. I really don't know what he needs from me. I've tried to ask, he has no response. He says I am a great person, but we are all flawed. Why won't he tell me what he'd like to see different? Not sure about being smart, I feel completely inept!

[ReelingW/aSmile]

FG and FM,

"See.. now I disagree with you some. I will always be a Newcomer. She is not lucky.. she should be concerned. I know "drama". There is lots of "that" here."-FG

I am VERY concerned, that's why I am here.

The people that know us would not believe there is drama. We are constantly told how mild mannered/calm/even tempered we both are.

I feel very lucky to have both of you posting to me! I appreciate your time and effort. Thank you.

[tristan]

Hi Reeling,

Just skimming your thread. I to have a clinically depressed spouse too, so I found your title interesting. I find depression a difficult disease to understand. I think I am getting better at dealing with it, but seeing how others deal is always helpful.

Take care,
-T

[Forrest Gump]

"I think that the shock has begun to wear off and I am trying to figure out what to think, say and do."

See.. this is what gets me some. You talk about "shock" and how much this is killing you.. but it does not show up "here" (DB.com) Your posts are.. well.. just not the typical LBS posts. What concerns me about this is that you are not "venting". Most people start their life "here" with what I call a "crazy" post. So.. with that in mind the question becomes.. where are you "venting"? Or.. how are you "venting"?

"Most of what spewed from me initially was around the fact that this major change was going on inside my H and he did not tell me anything."

To make it simple.. this was the first time you lost control. I got it.

"I felt helpless, betrayed and confused. I felt like a victim."

Knew that. I "see" it to a point in your posts.

"Then I found DR and it has given me some tools to not feel so victimized."

Why do you assume you are the one that was victimized? <-- I have some red flags going off in my mind right now.

"More than anything I felt, still feel, guilty that I did not pick up on anything being wrong.....Next, I get angry that "I" feel guilty when H is the one who is threatening to take out our family. So, there is no one emotion, I am all over the place."

He is threatening to do it. He has not done it yet! Sometimes.. when people are at the end of their rope.. they test you. They watch every move, listen to every word, look for any "Emotion".

"I have been paying very close attention to what I have heard works."

Why? I don't want the caned answer. Are you doing this to regain control.. or do you want to make a change?

"The people that know us would not believe there is drama. We are constantly told how mild mannered/calm/even tempered we both are."

Most people are not good at "seeing" the whole picture. I would bet people say they wish they had a marriage like yours. But really it is just words. They have no idea what happens when you go home. Kinda like what I am "seeing" here. The fact that you are posting "here" but really don't have any problems yet. He said he was gonna leave.. but he has not. He tells you he does not love you.. but he still is with you. What happens when he wakes up tomorrow and does move out? How will you react?

Ok.. As far as the Depression issue.

Has your H been diagnosed by a doctor as being depressed?

Is he currently taking medication to overcome depression?

If you want to discuss his depression that is fine. But for the sake of DB'ing I will tell you that you can't help him with his depression. You cannot fix it. You cannot help him move out of it. You can talk about it "here" but you cannot talk about it at home. When he talks about IC you smile, nod, and be supportive. Do not offer suggestions. You listen to what he is saying.. smile,nod,etc. Then when you have time you report "here" what you heard. When he see's IC.. don't be at home waitin on the report. Find something to do. The idea here is that you want him to approach you about it. I don't want the focus of this thread to become why he is depressed. The main reason for that is that I think you will/have try/tried to fix it.

"I am VERY concerned, that's why I am here."

I hear ya.. just on the fence on whether I believe you or not.

Now.. while you are in thinking mode.. lets talk about OW.

If.. it turns out that there is.. something. Is that a deal breaker? Think about that question before you answer it. Give me an honest answer. Cause more than likely.. I will hold you to it.

I don't know what it is about you.. but you have my attention. I am never sure if that is a good or a bad thing. My gut just tells me.. Big things coming.

[flowmom]

If you want to discuss his depression that is fine. But for the sake of DB'ing I will tell you that you can't help him with his depression. You cannot fix it. You cannot help him move out of it. You can talk about it "here" but you cannot talk about it at home. When he talks about IC you smile, nod, and be supportive. Do not offer suggestions. You listen to what he is saying.. smile,nod,etc. Then when you have time you report "here" what you heard. When he see's IC.. don't be at home waitin on the report. Find something to do. The idea here is that you want him to approach you about it. I don't want the focus of this thread to become why he is depressed. The main reason for that is that I think you will/have try/tried to fix it.

I made so many mistakes in that area! I didn't know the damage that I was doing. It became a vicious circle where I felt H withdrawing more and more and I tried harder and harder to figure out what was wrong with him and "help" him fix it. I didn't realize how controlling I was being and I didn't realize how I was snuffing out the dying embers of our M.

Read the Divorce Remedy section on depression -- she has some good things to say about how to handle a person in that state. Write down the 180s that you want to make in dealing with the depression. If you've pounced on him after his IC appts in the past, arrange to be out of the house for an hour after he returns from his session. Deal with your own control issues in your IC if that's a problem for you.