The light at the end of the tunnel

[kjensen]

Last thread

I've been doing alot of work in the Rebuilding course I'm taking...getting through all the stages of the loss of this relationship.

H wanted to get together to go over what D12 will need for her trip this summer. He came over tonight and I was quite anxious beforehand(dreading a blow up, or more criticism..). I'd just gone through the grief exercise(saying goodbye) in the Rebuilding class on Sunday and alot of my grieving emotions are still on the surface, getting processed.

It went OK tonight. There was some awkwardness as I haven't seen or talked to H in person in quite some time. At one point we actually were talkng about the divorce process and H said he'd actually bought some books about it(the man who never reads books!). He apologized that it seemed to me that he filed for divorce so fast. I said it had taken me by surprise. I told him he looked good and he reurned the compliment.

We had a long hug goodbye and I started crying a bit. But he held on to the hug for awhile.

I think this divorce will go through. I just really in my heart don't understand what he sees in our relationship that was so awful or so unfixable. I respect that he feels what he feels but I really don't understand it or see it myself and that is what I struggle with the most.

If I could see that we had a totally awful, completely dysfunctional relationship that was just best to walk away from, then it would be easier to walk away...but that really isn't what we had in this marriage. There were so many positives...

The over-sensitivity and reactivity of H is still there somewhat, but not as much as before. H had coffee with both of his 'best' friends today so I don't think he's going through withdrawal..not sure where he is in MLC...but obviously it doesn't seem that he's coming back to or for me. I'm letting go of that dream..I think its the most stubborn to let go of.

I am imagining my life alone, without H. I can see friendships with people in my class. I'm trying to create dreams of my own, but right now, since I'm still grieving, the dreams seem a bit sad...but there is a little light at the end of (my) tunnel!