Number 8's Revelations, Mistakes, and New Methods

[Number 8]

I asked, "Did you purposely wait until I wasn't at home?"

He said, "It's just how it worked out but Mondays are my day off so I will probably come get stuff on some Mondays"

Respond, don't react. Text less right away. He DID give you a valid reason for being there at that time.

You are still married. He didn't abandon you, he separated. There's a big legal and emotional difference.

Technically this is true, but maybe I guess I have more of a feeling of abandonment. Things got too tough, and he split. He didn't want to have to deal with life's difficulties (especially the prospect of my father being sick), so he went away. It may not be the legal definition, but it feels like the real thing.

Don't let your opportunity pass you by. WHY are you angry? Look for the solvable reason, not the anger. The emotions are up to you to control. Maybe in that anger is a need that you and he have not tapped into, yet.

I'm angry for so many reasons. Some reasons are rational, and some are not. I'm angry that he took what I feel is the coward's way out and came when I wouldn't be here. This reminds me that he's an avoider and escaper, and that makes me angry. I'm angry that he wants to remove things from the house. I'm angry that he doesn't think I'm worth the effort. I'm angry that he won't even consider trying to work on things. I'm having trouble identifying any of these as solvable, unfortunately.

Wouldn't it be nice to have the IC's home number for immediate service!

I'm thinking of asking her to move in with me.

Consider:
Why does he have to call first? He saw you naked and you saw him the same way. This is a person you love. Let your love help you tonight, not your anger Number 8. If he wanted you to prove the marriage is no good - what a nice way that would be to have you spewing demands.

I don't know if it's reasonable, but I feel like calling first is appropriate--he forfeited the right to come and go as he pleases when he chose to leave. Again, it may not be reasonable. I do like what you said about spewing demands. This is a good reminder.

It sounds like fear, not a violation. How would you feel watching him take himself more from your life? Do you think he loves taking it from under your nose? Give him some credit - he did/does love you and you love him. There must be some good somewhere.

I feel like it's both, but it's probably more motivated by fear. I don't know how he feels about taking things from here, but it seems like he's eager to do it. Thanks for prompting me to give him some credit, though. I needed to hear this to get my thinking balanced again.

Emotions are not right or wrong. let him know with your good side how you felt. What you thought that meant. Remind him how much you think a better understanding of him and yourself could make your M a very happy place to be.

I don't know how to go about doing this at this moment. He is determined to go straight down the divorce path, and he's not looking back.

Changing locks maybe against the law. Even if it weren't, imagine what that tells your H. It says, "you're gone, I don't even trust you". Why would he work on that kind of R?

When I wrote that yesterday, I didn't trust him. I've had some time to calm down and think more about this.

DO NOT feel guilty about your feelings - you are feeling them. Just try your hardest to master them. I know from my experience that words said are so much harder to pull back when the R is in a bad state. Unless you really have decided you hate him, then do what Boxer did to your property instead of doing it to the man you married.

Ha! That's funny about Boxer dog. I'm glad you said this piece about words. I have tried so hard to make sure I didn't say something I would regret (H hasn't followed the same thinking), and so far I feel good about it. I will continue to work on ways to get control of my emotions. They were spinning out of control yesterday!

If you want him to turn back and look at the M again, you need to give him hope, too. One day, if things do work out, be sure that he will thank you deeply for your olive branch during the storm.

I hope that we get to this point. I try to remain hopeful, but as you know, it's easier some days than others. Thanks for your post.