tired of trying...

[beingreal]

Apparently when my mother starts yelling I am to just listen and not respond in kind. According to my father she was *in tears* last night because of me. Not because her only daughter is getting a divorce or raising three kids on her own, or even that I'm really heartbroken (even though I've known this was coming for awhile). No...I hurt her feelings by yelling back and not allowing her to dictate my life. Did I mention that she thinks that H should move back in, stay in the middle son's bedroom while he sleeps in my room & just live as roommates until the kids are older????? Swear to God...that was part of the email today.

I'm supposed to apologize to her. My father thinks I should *reach out* to her.

How's this...

"Dear Mom, I am truly sorry for not taking your feelings, your need to think only of yourself, and your total disregard for my well being into consideration before I started to meltdown as I begin my own personal journey through hell. Nearly 40 years of conditioning should have made me better prepared to put you first at all times regardless of the situation. How incredibly callous of me."


Now I really am just venting. Please forgive me. I stood up for myself to my father, and now he is not happy with me, either. I'm beginning to realize that all those years I felt totally alone in this life was not just my imagination. I was not just emotional or dramatic or depressed. I have honestly been alone. The people I have been counting on the most have bailed on me. I now see that they were never there for me to begin with.


I do have some amazing friends, though. One of them said this to me tonight as I was telling her about my mom and H...

'When the people who want to keep you grounded can no longer clip your wings, you have no choice but to fly. And you are going to soar.'

Big giant sobs. Too bad she lives in Texas. lol. Although it's becoming abundantly clear that there is really nothing holding me here in Ohio. I love my job. I love my boss. I love my friends who are here. But real roots? They are quickly disintegrating.

I might look at some of the listings on the professional sites to see if anyone is hiring in my field in Texas. it will never happen, but at least I can dream about it while this reality falls apart.

I do realize that I'm just feeling sorry for myself & that isn't really productive, I'll be better in the morning. I promise. Any bits of wisdom or insight are very welcome, though.