Number 8's Revelations, Mistakes, and New Methods

[flowmom]

Thanks for sharing your insights 8! It sounds like another very productive session.

[Number 8]

Thanks for sharing your insights 8! It sounds like another very productive session.

As always, it's my pleasure! She's a keeper, in my opinion. I'm always excited about going to IC, and she's really encouraged me to think and examine things. I think that she and I have established a very good partnership.

[rr22]

All very interesting. I'm wondering who's trampling your "boundaries" though. Did you bring that up or did she assume you are a people pleaser and tell you you had a problem with that? I'm just curious because even things that sound insightful from ICs start to sound like scripts to me after awhile. Guess I'm skeptical. So I guess question is: did she lead the discussion in that direction by proclaiming you this and that? Because just because that freak at work tried something on you doesn't mean YOU have a boundary issue you need to now worry about. You were not the first and last person he will do that with. ANd it doesn't sound like your H trampled around on you. It sounds like he sulked and stuffed until he exploded and left.

Wonder if your tingling finger is stress clenching or new AD symptom. Just a thought.


And why WOULDN"T you want your H's approval? You also want his love. I don't find that to be a pathology on your part. IT's natural. You are bonded with him and thus miss him. That doesn't make you an approval seeking doormat.

I agree with all the communication stuff and wall of words to defend his actions stuff she said. Sounds totally like the interactions you have described with him. You are not being heard because he is presenting a defense of his leaving always and a speech about his moods.

[Onthemountaintop]

Can you ship your IC to Canada? I'll give you the UPS address~

[Onthemountaintop]

I'm just curious because even things that sound insightful from ICs start to sound like scripts to me after awhile.

Sorry - forgot to add that while the IC is really hitting some good nails, that doesn't mean you need to act on them.

Like rr22 added, the IC can highlight issues, perhaps by being led, that are real. That doesn't mean they are issues that need to change.

My anxiety keeps my ADHD at bay. Had I not been uptight, I'd get myself into real trouble. Understanding why (which I think the IC is doing well) is the part where I think you can move from acting one way to CHOOSING how to act.

For example, if you know WHY you feel one way when your H says/does something, you can better control it when you want to. It doesn't mean that reaction (bad or good) isn't actually good.

There's an Islamic phrase that's something like, "there may be a thing you hate, but through it God brings much good".

[Number 8]

I asked, "Did you purposely wait until I wasn't at home?"

He said, "It's just how it worked out but Mondays are my day off so I will probably come get stuff on some Mondays"

Respond, don't react. Text less right away. He DID give you a valid reason for being there at that time.

You are still married. He didn't abandon you, he separated. There's a big legal and emotional difference.

Technically this is true, but maybe I guess I have more of a feeling of abandonment. Things got too tough, and he split. He didn't want to have to deal with life's difficulties (especially the prospect of my father being sick), so he went away. It may not be the legal definition, but it feels like the real thing.

Don't let your opportunity pass you by. WHY are you angry? Look for the solvable reason, not the anger. The emotions are up to you to control. Maybe in that anger is a need that you and he have not tapped into, yet.

I'm angry for so many reasons. Some reasons are rational, and some are not. I'm angry that he took what I feel is the coward's way out and came when I wouldn't be here. This reminds me that he's an avoider and escaper, and that makes me angry. I'm angry that he wants to remove things from the house. I'm angry that he doesn't think I'm worth the effort. I'm angry that he won't even consider trying to work on things. I'm having trouble identifying any of these as solvable, unfortunately.

Wouldn't it be nice to have the IC's home number for immediate service!

I'm thinking of asking her to move in with me.

Consider:
Why does he have to call first? He saw you naked and you saw him the same way. This is a person you love. Let your love help you tonight, not your anger Number 8. If he wanted you to prove the marriage is no good - what a nice way that would be to have you spewing demands.

I don't know if it's reasonable, but I feel like calling first is appropriate--he forfeited the right to come and go as he pleases when he chose to leave. Again, it may not be reasonable. I do like what you said about spewing demands. This is a good reminder.

It sounds like fear, not a violation. How would you feel watching him take himself more from your life? Do you think he loves taking it from under your nose? Give him some credit - he did/does love you and you love him. There must be some good somewhere.

I feel like it's both, but it's probably more motivated by fear. I don't know how he feels about taking things from here, but it seems like he's eager to do it. Thanks for prompting me to give him some credit, though. I needed to hear this to get my thinking balanced again.

Emotions are not right or wrong. let him know with your good side how you felt. What you thought that meant. Remind him how much you think a better understanding of him and yourself could make your M a very happy place to be.

I don't know how to go about doing this at this moment. He is determined to go straight down the divorce path, and he's not looking back.

Changing locks maybe against the law. Even if it weren't, imagine what that tells your H. It says, "you're gone, I don't even trust you". Why would he work on that kind of R?

When I wrote that yesterday, I didn't trust him. I've had some time to calm down and think more about this.

DO NOT feel guilty about your feelings - you are feeling them. Just try your hardest to master them. I know from my experience that words said are so much harder to pull back when the R is in a bad state. Unless you really have decided you hate him, then do what Boxer did to your property instead of doing it to the man you married.

Ha! That's funny about Boxer dog. I'm glad you said this piece about words. I have tried so hard to make sure I didn't say something I would regret (H hasn't followed the same thinking), and so far I feel good about it. I will continue to work on ways to get control of my emotions. They were spinning out of control yesterday!

If you want him to turn back and look at the M again, you need to give him hope, too. One day, if things do work out, be sure that he will thank you deeply for your olive branch during the storm.

I hope that we get to this point. I try to remain hopeful, but as you know, it's easier some days than others. Thanks for your post.

[Number 8]

Stay dark on anger days or you will start a fight that could set you back weeks. You have to exercise, journal, vent it to a friend, or get it out in IC. It's not fair. But I bet your dad would be happy to listen to a big earful of it. LOL.

All good advice, wise one. And you're so right about my father--he would cackle with delight.

If you want to allow him to come and go, and I think there's a good argument for that, make a habit of hiding your laptop or putting on a password before you leave the house. Put your self help books or whatever away where he won't see them. Other than that, who cares if he sees your dirty laundry? He's living his dirty laundry.

I wish I'd had a little more notice than I did--I couldn't remember if I had any books or lists out or if my special spiral was open, and I was almost in a dead panic about what might be visible.

I DID have something out that might have looked very unusual. I had printed a picture of Vincent D'Onofrio for my (former step)sister to put inside a card for her (we're grieving his departure from Law & Order). I hope it didn't look like I was considering becoming a celebrity stalker.

Of course, it can't be worse than when a contractor came to the house several months ago. A Kama Sutra book and an item that belongs in the delicates' drawer were out in plain sight. I think contractor and I saw them at the same time and made an unspoken agreement to ignore them.

LOVE this: "He's living his dirty laundry." So great!!

How can you leave stuff out on the counter for him to see if you change locks? How can he kiss the turtle or boxer in private if you're there? For all you know, he's laying in your bed feeling awful for a few minutes. Let him.

What would I do without your perspective? These things didn't occur to me. I guess I imagined him giving our wedding pictures the finger or dancing around, singing about his upcoming freedom from my tyranny. Thanks for pointing out these things.

[Number 8]

For all you know, he's laying in your bed feeling awful for a few minutes. Let him.

I remember one day laying in bed and smelling my Ws smell on the blanket and that made me want her more...

The good news is I had just put clean sheets on the bed the night before. Boxer dog hadn't applied his fur and scent yet.

Thanks for sharing that, Onthemountaintop.

[Number 8]

All very interesting. I'm wondering who's trampling your "boundaries" though. Did you bring that up or did she assume you are a people pleaser and tell you you had a problem with that?

I had brought up my preference to avoid conflict and keep the peace, and the discussion evolved from there. It even moved into some interactions in my workplace. I'm in an unusual position because I work where my mother worked and with a number of her friends who have not yet retired. Because of this, I'm not an adult to some of these folks. Without realizing it, I sometimes do things/run errands/fetch for a few who tell (not ask) me to. I almost blindly follow these orders because I tell myself, "They're grown-ups." I was brought up to be obedient, follow directions, say "ma'am" and "sir," and do as I was told (typical southern upbringing). It's something that I can't shake around some of these colleagues.

I'm just curious because even things that sound insightful from ICs start to sound like scripts to me after awhile. Guess I'm skeptical.

Nothing wrong with being a skeptic!

Because just because that freak at work tried something on you doesn't mean YOU have a boundary issue you need to now worry about. You were not the first and last person he will do that with. ANd it doesn't sound like your H trampled around on you. It sounds like he sulked and stuffed until he exploded and left.

You're right about the idiot from work. And you're right about H. I believe that I held in my real feelings and didn't share them with H. There are two factors here, though. One, I didn't want to evoke any defensive behavior from him. Two, I didn't want to hear unsolicited advice, be interrupted, hear "what my problem was," or be told that I "shouldn't feel that way."

Wonder if your tingling finger is stress clenching or new AD symptom. Just a thought.

(Former step)sister is a nurse, so she's on the case. She was integral in the ulcer diagnosis and treatment, and she'll be all over this one, too.

And why WOULDN"T you want your H's approval? You also want his love. I don't find that to be a pathology on your part. IT's natural. You are bonded with him and thus miss him. That doesn't make you an approval seeking doormat.

Too true. I just wish having his approval and his love didn't matter so much to me right now.

I agree with all the communication stuff and wall of words to defend his actions stuff she said. Sounds totally like the interactions you have described with him. You are not being heard because he is presenting a defense of his leaving always and a speech about his moods.

Don't forget the blame!

[Number 8]

Can you ship your IC to Canada? I'll give you the UPS address~

I'll ask her if she likes travel. If not, how do you feel about coming down to the southern part of the US? It's just lovely here right now. Plus, IC might be more amenable to that.